One for the heartbreaks

3 years ago I landed in Dubai for the first time. 16 november 2011. And I fell in love… with the beauty of this place, with their ambition of building the future, with the diversity and lack of boredom. This is what it feels to be alive.

Why I left? It’s a long story. Many things determined me to leave everything behind. One of them is that I wanted to leave somebody behind. There was no future…

I used to love this somebody so hard that I ended up ruining everything. I was obsessed and dramatic and always fighting… with him and with myself. I strongly believed that I could never find somebody better. I did… but different. There’s no comparison. People can’t be compared, what you find in some can never be found in others.

We’ve been through so many “adventures”… I smile when I remember (sometimes I blush :P). We were both crazy about each other and the time spent together left some powerful memories.

Some people don’t agree with this, to remember or to praise long ended romances. They say you should focus on what you have presently. I disagree, beautiful memories always remain and I’m sure if you ask people of their first or strongest love they will still remember, they will still have that “tone” or that “look”.

Anyway, when I reached Dubai and I realized I am bound to a contract and I can’t go home anytime soon the first thought that smashed my mind was that I can’t come back to him anymore. That I can’t see him anymore and he will move on. I wasn’t ready to leave him behind. He was already moving on but the worst thought was that he will… forget me…

He will forget me and he will love somebody else, he will share his life with somebody else, he will hold somebody else in his arms, he will make love to somebody else, he will get married and have children with somebody else. I am supposed to be the one to give him all these things. I am the one who’s supposed to hold his hand until the end and now I’m here, miles away from him…

Isn’t this the most painful feeling that somebody can feel? When you are replaced with somebody else and you just watch from the outside, on top of a skyscraper, so close to the edge with the same feeling, empty stomach…

Only the thought is pure pain… the purest. You have the feeling that for him everything was erased all of a sudden. Nothing from him, no comfort, just silence and then you go back trying to fix what you did wrong. Merciless time, can’t be reversed. you wouldn’t have said those words and you wouldn’t have missed a chance to kiss him and live up every moment.

And then you blame yourself… Maybe you are not his type or you just didn’t notice what he likes, maybe he is with a better looking person… The looks… so important for women, always comparing themselves… so wrong. And yes he is with a better looking woman. Maybe a better woman… And this is how your thoughts assault your entire being, reducing you to nothing.

Every time is the same. Same old shit, blaming yourself for the failure. After all is normal, there’s no happiness in a break-up. Human beings are inclined to self destruction. The amount of negative thoughts is a lot bigger than the positive ones. Scientifically proven… unfortunately.

And then you move on. One day you raise your head and get up. The floor is not the most comfortable place to be. First steps… You learn to walk, to talk, to smile. Take a few friends and go out. Get drunk, laugh, dance… already easier. You had your portion of self destruction.

But you never show. Nobody knows the storm inside. You are ashamed of being so low and you hide. Nothing happened… various excuses. Nobody needs to know that you are weak or entirely devastated. No, we are afraid of people’s perception of us. Maybe if we would seek help it would be easier… Maybe people will share their own stories and comfort each other instead of judging.

Everything has an end and fear is normal but unnecessary.

And then you find somebody else in the crowd… A smile, a face, a name, a number… A new story…

Now let me show you my new hat 🙂

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