Growing up faulty


I was talking to a dear friend of mine and I asked him if he’s planning to have any kids anytime soon. “You’re old enough” I added. I believe I added that by now he should’ve had a child already.

His answer was not what I expected. He told me that he grew up poor and he couldn’t satisfy many of his wishes when he was young so he does it now, when he can, before he will take the crucial decision.

I know he works hard and he’s in a good place trough his hard work and determination. He still has 2 jobs and I admire him for that.

Then it hit me. He’s right. We grew up poor. We never had what we desired, we only had what we were given. I didn’t grow up in a poor family but I always had a limit to everything. I never had pocket money or lunch money or if I had it was really not enough. I never went on trips or excursions with the colleagues from school, I never had more than necessary. I don’t complain here but it made me want to leave everything behind and go for those things I never had.

My friend just became more ambitious and decided to get everything by himself. He travelled, he bought a flat, he got married, he did it! He tried and he paid for everything he could never afford. He outgrew his condition.

In my case it made me leave, it made me a stranger to what I used to call home. It didn’t make me ambitious money-wise, as I never had a real understanding of the value of money. It made me actually a spender. There is always that thing in my head that I should do it for myself, that I deserve it. It made me selfish. It made me a loner also and unable to settle.

And also I strongly believe that there is a time for everything. Or at least a period of time. Disneyland doesn’t feel or look the same when you’re 40. I’ve seen it at 28 and I think I felt the same joy I would feel as a kid. But there is a time for everything so if you can do it, don’t wait, keep the magic, don’t turn it into dull moments. Do it while and if you can. Don’t even hesitate!

We were also too poor to date. He couldn’t afford to buy a girl a drink and I was dressed as a small boy and lacked self-esteem. I should add here, also, that my teenage hood was dominated by some prominent scars on my face but then again, if I was rich my situation would be different or I wouldn’t have them at all. I should’t think like this or say this? Really? Because ever since those days most of the times I see that money brings you upfront and looks gets you out of trouble. Just sayin’ feel free to cash me ousside if you have strong arguments and you don’t talk exceptions. Yes, of course I wouldn’t be the person I am today if that is the main argument.

No I’m not bitter about my condition. I was bitter then. I was suicidal. I was full of pity for myself. I felt like the burden of the entire world was on my shoulders. I didn’t have much to count on. Maybe using the word poor is not the best choice here. I understand and I see poor and it’s not what I was. Let’s say limited. Limited – replace the above with limited.

Anyway, i grew up despising money. You want them and you can’t live without them. And then you just become a robot on an everyday quest to get your bread money. It’s so ridiculous how controlled we are by these papers. We can’t make a move without it.

Yes, I said it before, and I will say it again: the best moments I lived were not expensive at all. Were feelings and emotions, sunsets and rays of light. Were laughter or tears.

I grew up a dreamer even though everything I ever lived was too real. But I refuse to let myself dragged into what others think it’s best. I spent a lot of time thinking about what other think so I’m not willing to do it again.

My friend said he wanted to see places he always wanted to see, to do things he always wanted to do before he will decide to have a child. He doesn’t want to live with the regret that he didn’t follow at least few of his dreams. And it’s true, a child is not easy work. It’s definitely a blessing, I am deeply convinced of that, but you have to be ready to have a mini-you around. You have to be able and mature enough to raise and guide a newly born human being into life the right way. I believe the regrets and frustrations of the parents can affect the child. Happy parents, happy children. Simply, at least this is how I see it.

Now he’s good. He probably did most of the things he wanted to. Soon maybe he’ll share some good news.

Back to me. Ah man, now it becomes messy. Where I am now? Good question.

I am somewhere good because I made peace with myself. I don’t know when that happened but it did and I couldn’t be happier about it. For the first time in a very long time I don’t punish myself for my mistakes or other’s mistakes. I actually reached a point where I cover for myself like I would cover for a best friend.

Am I happy? Weirdly I am, even though is not the best period of my life, but I learned in time to see positivity in every situation. And I am surrounded by good people. I learned to be happy just by myself. Of course I have my moments but they don’t define me. Am I still a bad mouth? Yes. Is not that I am a new person and that I lost all my bad habits, it’s just that I am happier.

I have a few more things to tick on my bucket list and then I’m ready. The scary part is that I somehow feel ready to settle down but at the same time it scares the shit out of me. And a baby… man a baby is the scariest thing right now. I am afraid of myself. I don’t know if i can make it, to be honest, or I just don’t trust myself. All of a sudden you are responsible with the happiness of your husband and then with the well-being and highest level of care for your baby. You are responsible for a life. I feel that I can’t possibly reach that level of responsibility.

I think we are a generation of pussies when it comes to responsibilities. We have everything delivered, we barely make an effort to get what we want. We don’t work that hard anymore. And we take so many things for granted. We don’t work on us or on each other anymore. We give up or get scared so easily. It’s also me right now. Complaining like a kid who didn’t have enough candy…

This asks for another post… another time…

Disclaimer: my ADHD doesn’t allow me to have coherent thoughts anymore so I might’ve deviated… quite a lot.

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