It will be a bit confusing.
I’m doing it not because I’m naive or unaware but because I don’t want to miss chances. I don’t want to look back and think “I should’ve said that” or “I should’ve done that”. No! I’m saying it if I feel like and I ask for it if I want it. If I don’t get what I asked for, at least I won’t regret I didn’t try. It’s easy. I speak for myself and it doesn’t matter if people think different. I am not supposed to live by their rules.
I don’t want to miss moments and I don’t want to miss opportunities. Maybe sometimes it’s not my best approach on things but it’s mine, it’s my way of doing things. Sometimes I thank myself for not keeping quiet and sometimes I go way too far. But again I am not supposed to sit and wait for something to come my way by doing nothing. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. It’s simple.
There are these boundaries set by society and by people themselves that are supposed to keep you on a leash but I’m not obliging. I speak, I laugh, I cry, I get angry and most important I take the damn burden off my chest whenever I can. Some might say I didn’t learn anything but again it depends on what I’m supposed to be learning.
“I would rather die of passion than boredom” – Van Gogh. Yeah, me too. I fear boredom and I always try to come up with new ways of keeping it away. My mind works on new tricks all the time on how to entertain my existence. I don’t need nobody to innovate for me, at this chapter I’m self-sufficient.
I am asking not because I don’t know the answer or I don’t have instincts, but because I know I might be surprised or I am hoping that I’ll be surprised, and one day that answer will change. Of course, I get disappointed sometimes but who the hell doesn’t. But I TRIED, this is my forever consolation and belief.
I try even when my instinct tells me not to because I am a non-believer, I am stubborn as hell and I need to see it with my own eyes. I chill after. I am satisfied as long as there is an answer, good or bad but there has to be an answer.
I don’t like simple things or categories, and even though sometimes I crave routine and normality, I easily get bored of it. I realized that I need to KNOW stuff, I want to SEE things, I want to experience the things I will never be able to experience later on.
On the other hand, I could’ve experienced everything (good or bad) next to somebody. I know that. But that somebody didn’t show up… until today. I guess I just had to experience it all alone so I could fully understand it. So I can get no comfort from anybody, especially for the bad ones. It would’ve been easier next to somebody, that’s why I had to be all alone, all the time.
Anyway, I tried. I’m the definition of optimism… somehow. The epiphany might change later on.