There’s a price

Maybe I was raised like this. Or maybe I developed this belief in time. I don’t know; but I believe that there’s a price for everything. For every single moment of happiness, for every smile, for every good thing in your life, you have to give something back.

I’m not saying this with sadness or with superstition I’m saying this with something rather awful: resignation.

Sometimes the thought of paying for something good in my life is actually ruining that good thing, preventing me from enjoying it. I can’t stop thinking “This is too good to be true and it will never last”. But I also noticed that when something bad happens, soon enough good comes along. There’s some sort of a balance… if I can call it that.

I believe we get what we deserve. Then somebody said “Do we? Do you believe in Judgement Day? There are good people that don’t get anything their entire life and then they die.”

It made me think. I used to believe that you get what you deserve based on a simple fact: if you fight/ask/go for it. If we stick around and wait for things to be given to us than it will never happen. Go get it and if you deserve it, you will succeed. It’s about the nerve, the guts.

Waiting for your turn does not really apply in my opinion. People with initiative get things done. They cross their limits. My only throwback is that I believe in destiny, if it’s meant or not meant to be and I tried to fight it a few times (more than few actually) and I paid for my stubborness.

Now this is where I clash. There’s a contradiction right here, between “get it no matter what” and “it’s in the hands of destiny”. This is where my crossroad is and I am still in the middle of the intersection.

It’s busy in my head. I remember random things and I start analyzing them. A lot. I debate with myself on how it’s supposed to be and I create principles and ideas. I am flexible thoug, come with strong arguments and I’ll give it another thought. I believe in discussion and conversations, in words and meanings.

I can talk anytime. I can form an opinion even on something I don’t know much about, without being considered ignorant.

Back to the price… is not that we don’t deserve to be happy, but us, humans, in our nature, are self-distructive. We do things to ourselves and to others. We like pain and drama, we have this weird cravings for BDSM with life.

We lose our way sometimes, and some of us don’t find it back. I’m not sure yet if I got what I deserve. I look back though and for the bad times I got some pretty awesome ones in return. I know some great people who helped me along the way. And people are the key.

I did some bad things, not always intentionally and now it’s where I’m stuck again, because even though I felt like I got my karma dose, I am not really sure if the punishment matched the crime. I will defend myself, I will find excuses just like everybody else but I can’t stop asking myself from time to time if it was enough or if it’s yet to come. Here is where I shudder… if it’s yet to come. Because damn sure nobody’s ready.

But you just wait. This is how it works. And it will come.

No good deed left unpunished. Proverb

And this is for an antagonic end, as we all are.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Bye now!


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