Custom-made defence mechanism


We all create them, consciously or not. We need them because life is full of terrors. We need a self-defence mechanism… to protect us from ourselves. Otherwise our thoughts will drown us, will suffocate us, will eat us alive like a gangrene.

When in despair, some people find comfort in sleep, because they actually stop participating in real life while others push themselves with physical activities building more strenght, both mental and pshysical. Some people drink until they don’t know what happened to them and some just fall into the darkest depression, walking around comatose, just to come back to life with no memories.

I used to worry a lot. A lot more than now. I used to get so stressed about things and even spend my nights crying in vain, without knowing or realizing how bright next day will be. Because there is always a way out. This is what I didn’t realize back then. That the solution to all my troubles is not far and being negative doesn not help me or my situation. At all.

In time I developed my defence mechanism. You’ll laugh but I clean when I’m stressed. I start cleaning every single corner of the house and I will turn every single thing upside down. It’s an OCD cleaning. I’ll arrange every single thing in perfect order and I will not miss a single spot.

While I’m cleaning, my mind is debating. On and on and on. If I’ll just sit in one place, maybe my head will explode. Like this, at least my body is doing something else without being paralized by the power of my mind.

I keep on cleaning and I keep on thinking about things that happened, that will happen, that will never happen and so on. I will reach to every single detail and I will twist every single side of the story. My mind will work so hard that I’ll produce electricity. And while my hands are at work my mind works even harder but then, all of a suden, I have to stop and think “How do I arrange the jars back in the cupboard? Where did this nice cup came from, I almost forgot about it! That wall needs a painting or at least a poster. The clothes need a different arrangement on the rack.”

Slowly I will get lost in these deatils and the clouds of my grey matter will disolve. Peace will be restored by coming back to basics. The electrical storm is finally cooling down and I can relax. And I relax. Maybe by the time I  finish you’ll find me dancing or mumbling song fragments. I will anihilate my own mind for a while. This destructive fluffy beast. And my house will be clean, most of the times.

Sometimes I’m the opposite, I make a mess, I ruin what I build and I think that this is my mind’s way of saying “I’m still in control, don’t fool yourself”. Because at time we are supposed to break down, just to stand up and move on. Fierce. Brave. 100 times more.

I’m not cleaning that much nowadays, or maybe not with the same OCD drive. I don’t need it that much anymore, because now I discovered the meaning of “Everything has a solution” and I transformed it into religion. Yes, religion. Belief.

No matter what will happen today, the solution is just around the corner and it never failed me. Even if the solution is temporary, it’s still a… solution. I always see the bright side when everything turns dark and in time I became imune to tragedies. I just say to myself and to everybody “It will all be fine”. Even when it’s not. And when is not I move on. We all move on. We have no limits, this is what we don’t acknowledge.

This doesn’t mean I don’t feel or that I am im,passive to everything around me, I am just reducing the stress factor. It doesn’t mean I’m the happiest. By far. I still worry but in a controlled manner. I worry wisely if that makes any sense. I suffer but I do it in silence if I don’t get the chance to express myself. And if I do get the chance to take it all out, then it’s gone.

This is another thing I do. I speak whatever is on my mind and heart. Mosttly I speak my heart than my mind. My mind is not that fun, but my heart, oh! that’s a fun ride. But I don’t want to burden it, so I just take everything out. I clean inside my atrium and then I move to the ventricle. I make sure the air is breathable again, because these two chambers are filled with dust sometimes. Don’t let the dust settle, it will be hard to clean it after. I open the windows and I let the airflow dust away. I open my mouth and the draft does the job.

I keep it young, I keep it pure and I don’t let old demons inside. Ok, maybe I kept a few but I turned them into allies. I keep them as precious paintings on the walls. And you know why? Because one day these two rooms of my heart will be inhabited by somebody who will fill the space. And it will be space, because I don’t hoard. It will be a brand new five star hotel, on an old plot, but it will give the best services. This heart is as good as new because it never ceases to give love. It never measures what it gives, it just gives. It’s still wild and it’s still raw and there’s nobody on earth to command it, not even me.

I just make sure it has everything it needs.

Ok, enough with my speech. Time for the quote.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

It’s all love and late night (not that late today) writing shenanigans. Bye now!

 

 

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