A short-circuit of some sort


I’m an impatient person. Useless to say that I strongly hate to wait. But, in time I educated myself not really to wait, but to believe that whatever I’m waiting is going to happen… in some sort of slow motion. Sometimes I even take it out of my system and then find myself all set. If i’m lucky. Other times I just make myself busy. There are ways to trick yourself into waiting.

But what I noticed is that things happen at their own pace. ALWAYS. No matter what we do, no matter the tricks we know, no matter how smart we are. Destiny sometimes allows us to believe we won, just to prove us later on that we were always under its power. Sometimes we end up in situations we feel we were tricked into, but the only thing we need to understand is that IT WAS MEANT TO BE. No matter the path we took or we were taken to.

I believe in destiny. This is one thing I strongly believe into. My life is a series of events that got me where I am today and when I look back it’s a chain reaction. One thing led to another and then another -just to finally take me where I was supposed to be. When you look back and realize all this, even the bad times have a logic. We learn on the way, we are schooled and we just need to accept that not everything is in our hands. I’m not saying we are puppets, we still have choices. Not the crucial ones though :)))

Anyway, this is one of my views on how life happens. I also believe in karma but that’s another post.

Getting back to how destiny works, I developed this “i don’t give a damn attitude” that really helps me a lot sometimes. I still stress about  things and I still try to cheat the system but not on a worrying level. I learned to let it go. If it will happen, will happen, if not, let’s see what’s next.

With sadness I can say that I noticed one pattern: most of the time I get what I want, easy or difficult but when it comes to something that I really really want (I mean I’m dying to have it, my soul hurts when I picture it in my mind, that’s how bad I want it) it turns out to be a bad choice for me, and it’s taken away.

Ok, example, the people I loved the most (I’m talking about relationships) turned out to be so toxic for me, and even though at some point it seems possible to have them forever, they’re gone now. I can’t take heartaches man, they’re too painful. More than anything in the world. It’s like this deaf pain, deaf hammer strikes at the bottom of your soul that will echo all through your body. The brain stops, the heart stops, the chain of thoughts turns into chaos… “what could’ve been” and then all those lost memories and intimacy, all those new scenarios in our mind that will never become reality. All that pain…

Since the beginning of this year, I feel lost. And when this happens, it’s just a transition period. It can be short or long,  but it will lead somewhere. Somewhere big I feel. When I say I’m lost I mean I have no stability. And my stability is feelings… Something to build, something to look forward to, going to sleep with my heart full and tamed. I’m just hollow now. Don’t know what to think, don’t know what to feel, I can’t focus, I’m not in the mood for anything most of the times even though nobody will believe what I just said.

I’m always the fun one right, the full of life one. That will never change. What I’m presenting here is the status behind closed doors. I’m saying that, at the moment, I’m not living with a purpose. And we all need something to keep us going. I don’t even know my mind anymore. I find myself lost during the day, losing focus, losing motivation. I just feel that somebody has a remote that can control me and I do everything just like a robot. This year even though a lot of things happened I lost stability. I’m on thin air. And this is not me. I need a base. This is my strength.

I don’t know how to float, I really don’t. And even if you could say that I can go through everything and I have a solution to everything, I hate all this twisted ways of life. I like straightforward things, I like black and white, I like to do and say whatever I want. I don’t like cages. It hurts me, it damages me. On such a deep level…

This doesn’t mean I lost the value of  things. No. I still value people, I still enjoy moments, my heart still burns. This will never change. But I hate transition periods. Everything is upside down. But as I said in the beginning, I wait. In my own way. Not with patience but also not with nervous anticipation. I’m just hanging in here, until my feet will touch the floor.

I won’t go deeper in this, I don’t want to make it sound deep. Things are as important as we want them to be. There’s no point in making a temporary state of things that big of a deal. This too shall pass…

What I know is that I still have that hunger to achieve, to fight, to love but I am a bit tamed now. Maybe this is life’s way to save my energy for greater things. But it’s also roasting my brain. A short-circuit happened, I’m not coherent anymore. I hibernate inside.  To be continued…

It’s all love and late night shenanigans. Peace!

 

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