Nowadays people think you like them for a reason. That you hide something. We are after all perverted and doubt comes natural. Because we lie everyday about who we are and who we want to be.
But there’s a different kind of feeling, there’s a different kind of approach… the original one, the one we lost.
The pure one, without intention, without purpose.
It’s about people, man. We interact so much during a simple day and it’s the people we have around who can change our spirit. If we are surrounded by the right ones then we are lifted. And I want to talk about these people. And how I see them.
If I know something about me, is that I am a people’s person. If you ask me what I have most valuable I will give you a list of people. Not one name, a list. I love people and rarely it’s me chasing them out of my life. My heart is not perverted yet, and it’s still naive. I admit. You may think that I get hurt, I will say that I learn.
But I always win. Whatever comes from the heart is always above. If other people take advantage, I let them. It’s ok if they think they can trick people and then brag about it. One day they realize and they will realize what they lost. Story of my life. This is how I know I’m not losing. And I never take revenge. Somebody else is in charge of punishing.
I’m not saying I’m an angel. Not at all. But I preserved my heart. This is what matters for me. And it never failed me. And everybody knows that I don’t play games, and I don’t like to hurt people. It hurts me if I hurt them. Maybe sometimes it seems that it does not affect me, but it does. A lot. I am not the best at explaining myself but I am doing my best to avoid hurting, of any kind. I fail sometimes, maybe because of my short temper, maybe because of my sharp tongue, but it’s not coming from my heart. I’ll put all my time and effort in somebody close to my heart.
And there are proofs anywhere. Especially with the people I loved, the people I dreamed of a life with. I usually give it all, until there’s nothing left. Then I take a break, get my battery charged and start all over again. It’s normal. I’m not the only one.
Somebody who just met me a few times (not a boyfriend, just a friend) told me that he doesn’t know much about me but he can tell that I give 100% in everything and probably that’s where my drama is… nobody can give it back… His words haunt me.
The thing is that I don’t want it back. I just want people to understand that I feel happy when they are happy. And when I’m happy, everybody can feel it. These small things make me happy. Just accept it. Don’t think about what you need to give me in return, just cherish what I share. I get a lot in return. I am blessed with good people around me. I even had strangers helping me when I most needed it. And that made my heart full. If a stranger who has no clue who I am, helped me or told me a good word, then there’s no reason for me not to share love with the ones I know.
Is not the words we speak everyday, is not the moments when we react or feel scared of ourselves, is our hearts that will be always in the light and will make everything else insignificant. Some people are insecure, they hide behind bullying, behind spite, jealousy or a poor opinion of themselves. Before I felt the same, but when I realized that I can do better than this, I left it all behind. Of course there are still exceptions, I can’t control it. I am trying my best. And I realized that I’m more peaceful, happier, my bad days are less, my sadness is less bitter.
I don’t like to play games. Those days are gone. It makes me hurt and I don’t want this for myself. I’m hunting for honesty lately, but I am bit disappointed. Not discouraged, just, I’ll admit it, very disappointed.
You’ll tell me that I’m really naive. But now you tell me: what should I do? Should I learn how to play games and become a piece of shit with other people, hurting them without any remorse or just try and try until I will find what I want, or until people realize that it’s a lot better on my camp. Call me whatever you want, but I will keep on trying.
It feels lonely but it’s ok. It feels lonelier next to people who are pretending. A lot lonelier. I can’t pretend. You’ll see it on my face when something is wrong. Same when I’m happy. It feels infinite times lonelier next to somebody who’s not honest, first of all, with themselves. They will destroy you searching for their power to be honest.
Anyway, one day somebody will fully benefit of this heart of mine. And if it’s not a human being I’ll get a dog. I’ll go take care of orphans. There are ways. I don’t regret anything. At the end of the day at least I don’t go to sleep thinking that I hurt somebody.
I try my best to fix my mistakes. I know precisely where my words and my actions come from and if I feel I did wrong, I’ll do my best to make it right. I go to bed with a friendly conscience. My demons haunt me for other deeds, not for this.
It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!