Stand up Material

Life is weird, man. First of all we get born… out of a weird place. I mean ok you can’t vomit a baby but there are other ways. Like the delivery bird we are told about when we’re still too young to understand anatomy properly. Oh, you don’t know about it? Is it just us? Oh…

And we’re born so helpless. We need 6 months to start eating food and almost a year to start walking. We’re actually helpless until we reach 16 or 17 years of age. I know older people who are still helpless but anyway.

And then we have no power of choice until we’re major or legal (as if our existence til then is illegal or forbidden), eighteen years old or in some countries twenty one. I mean, the hell with that, you need to chill. In my country they put babies to sleep with vodka, what’s so wrong if they drink at 18. Hahaha I hope you’re laughing. I didn’t mean that. It’s not true. They use drugs. Oh shit, joking again. Too much? Ok, I’ll knock it off.

It’s been a while since I let the clown out.

Then we’re majors and then the real shit begins. Here we are making poor life decisions, not drinking enough water, stressing about making money, not making money, spending money, saving money, anything money.

Then we fall in love, another tragedy. Ok, we fall in love earlier but I don’t consider that true love, that’s just teenage fever. So, we fall in love and there’s more shit to deal with. And then we’re all about he/she loves me, am I attractive enough, should I be an asshole, should I shave my chest, should I skip shaving my legs tonight, am I sagging, is he sagging???, am I fat? please tell me truth! no, don’t tell me the truth, you animal!, I didn’t cum, it was too fast, is he thinking about somebody else, are we making enough money to have a future, money, anything money, love, break-ups, etc.

Break ups yes. We stress about break ups so much, that we become introverts, damaged, assholes, again assholes, more assholes, etc.

Then we struggle with depression, low self esteem, adult acne, ingrown hair… oh shit, is that just me? Anyway, from the small helpless lambs we were, we just left our families to see the world and become some walking trainwrecks.

You live and you become a bag of issues, a walking case study. We evolve. (mocking tone, like when you change your voice to be pompous and with a low bass).

Ok we have nice moments, yey! we enjoy picnics, parties, friends, pets, family reunions, marriage, sex, new family, kids, spending time without kids, travelling, pancakes (mmm I just gave myself a late night craving), new house, new car, getting alive form an accident, you know things like this, closing a credit card, buying a fancy dishwasher. We enjoy them, only to go back to being wrecked, to worry about making money and how many calories are in those damn pancakes!! SO UNFAIR (the pancakes part).

The we, let’s say, settle. We have our family, our kids, our dog that ruins the landscaped garden, we make let’s say enough money but freaking schools are so expensive, we afford to spend quality time and travel from time to time and so on. Let’s say life it’s good and everybody will reach there sooner or later.

But your health is already damaged, you worked like a dog to make money and you neglected a lot of aspects in your life and then Boom one day, Alzheimer’s! Tourrette’s! Or just menopause. You’re old and sometimes so unlucky that you won’t even remember the life you lived.

Ironic. Don’t you think? (Alanis Morisette in the background. I just made you sing that for the next couple of hours).

And then you get older, give all the money you saved for yourself, to your kids and to their kids, and then they put you in an asylum, because you’re a burden and life nowdays is too busy to allow them to take care of you.

You take your sagging self to the asylum and then bye-bye life. Thanks god we don’t get out from the same way we came from. Phew!

But even this is a bit weird. I mean we get burried, burned, embalmed, etc. I mean, why can’t we just evaporate. Less headache for all the people around us, for the environment, etc. Why we have to exit so dramatically from this world that cosnumed us. People crying their eyes off, the coffin is lowered in the ground (or your burned remains are scattered in the wind, depending on how brave you were in your will) and everything is black, together with the priest seeing your way out. I mean it’s a whole plot, a stage, costumes, a theme, etc. We get out of this world in the most dramatic way.

Why can’t we just evaporate. “Ah, you know, we didn’t even see him gone. When we reached it was just a dew on the furniture”. Boom! Simple! Effective! Eco!

I hope somebody makes this a stand-up. Enough with the shenanigans.

It’s all love and clowning around tonight! Peace up! A town!



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