Petrol station time wasting post

The best people are those who make you feel damn comfortable when you’re around them. The people that make everything feel natural and easy. Not too many explanations, no hidden meanings, no pretending.

I mean this is the way it should be. We choose out of tons of people a few that we call our friends, and it should be natural to just be ourselves around them. I love these people that make me feel like “yeah, everything is cool and easy, and I can open my heart and my brain to you”.

A lot of people lost trust. In everything, man. They just built walls so high around them and it’s almost impossible to open up again. That’s the fuckery of this world. We lose ourselves inside ourselves. No window through these walls and no chance for a door.

Most pople are like “you need to stop opening up, you need to stop sharing everything, you need to be mean, to be tough, to not give a shit, to hide, to stop caring, etc”. And all I think is “WHY?”

Fuck it, you don’t live my life. Why would anybody care. Why? I am who I want to be. And hell no, I’m not stupid. And if I am, at the end of the day it’s my burden to deal with. I hate being somebody that I’m not. If i’m enjoying, damn sure you’ll see it, if I’m happy you’ll see my smile like the Ecuador. If I want something, let me have it. The way I want it, not the way you want it.

Coming back to people that make me feel myself. Man, you have to agree that it’s so easy when you meet somebody and you can talk about things with honesty. When you can admit to everything without feeling that you’re being punished. When you can admit that you’re wrong without feeling guilty. When you can admit that you’re weak, that you’re frustrated, that your fuckin life is nothig you ever imagine it will be. It’s ok. It’s just fine. As long as you are finding peace within yourself and you can sleep at night, then screw everything else. Who will remember all this bullshit in the freakin afterlife?

And even if they do, then you’re a legend my friend. You did some epic shit in your life and most important you did whatever the hell you felt like. That’s freedom, that’s power, that’s you conquering all you goddamn fears. That’s next level shit.

Go for whatever the hell you want. We don’t live forever except the memory of others and only some of us will ve remembered.

You think I hide behind excuses? If I want to hide then you’ll never find out. Do you think I can’t make something disappear? But I choose not to do it. Simple as that.

I want something, I go for it. And one day when I’ll look back, with white hair and a wrinkled face, I’ll still have that sparkle in my eyes of a life fully lived. With good and bad. With everything in it. And I will live a long life, because it’s not meant to be forgotten too fast. I’m meant to sit in a rocking chair on a porch and smile when I look back in time.

Please God don’t send me Alzheimer’s.

So this is my vision. Wrong or right who cares? If you care you shouldn’t.

And then there are those people who raise that fuckin eyebrow up their forehead when they see you having fun and enjoying your life (and I’m talking here about close friends too) like they know better, like they know everything in life. First of all if you’re a friend be a friend till the end. I never stopped anybody from enjoying, from being unappologetically happy. Let’s be more supportive to being happy than being judgemental.

Let me smile because there were so many nights when I cried my heart out and I cursed the life inside my veins. There were way too many moments when I was ready to give up on everything and no, I don’t to tell about my life and I don’t need to have a sad look on my face for you to believe me. I went through shit that most of the people can’t even imagine. I know sadness in some of the deepest forms. In the shape of people and demons. In the depth of my heart, ripping apart my soul, my existence.

But I replaced it with this will of being alive and happy. I locked everything traumatizing inside myself and I decided to forget about it. It’s not that easy and you can call it a defence mechanism, you can call it a freudian shit or whatever you want but as long as it works i’m fine with it.

Anyway, it’s late. Arming myself.

It’s all love and late night petrol station writing shenanigans. Peace!

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Be careful what you wish for

I wish not all the things that come through my mind will come true. Or I should not wish for certain things. Whenever I want something, sooner or later I’ll get it. There are exceptions of course, but then you can’t always have it all. In a way I can’t really explain what I mean but I’ll try.

It happened many times that an idea got stuck in the back of my head and then one day, out of nowhere it came true. I don’t know why it’s not happening with finding a bag of money or fame but yeah, I’ll take it as it is.

Even though I strongly believe that I have no will and I’m very deceiving when it comes to goals somehow something inside me works towards some things and my whole being doesn’t stop until the target is achieved. The worst part is that it works for bad things too. That’s a mess. Because I wish for things that are not really… right, nor decent, nor with any benefit to my life. But then again you have to live up to your mistakes.

I wish I could be more explicit but it’s not that easy. The most important thing is that it works 90% out of 100%. In the rare occasions when I don’t get what I want I become so spoiled and I just don’t understand that I can’t always get what I want, and that, maybe, I already got enough.

The other bad thing is that, in my head, I start to be manipulative, knowing that most of the times I get what I want. But to be honest sometimes I push it and even if I know that it’s something bad I still want it to happen, and it does just to teach me a lesson. What I thought will be a victory is bitter AF.

My vanity grows bigger too. It’s this feeling of power, of control that makes you blind to the side effects but then AGAIN, my puffy brain doesn’t really acknowledge failure so it keeps on making new weird achievements. I need a professor Xavier to help me concentrat my energy towards other things.

Anyway, I’m half sarcastic and the real point is that sometimes we really don’t know what we wish for and what to do with the things we have. We are so lost or missguided at certain moments in our lives and we don’t really learn anything. But then again, lessons never stop. And everything is there for a reason, obvious or not.

I just wish I could channel my powers towards less selfish and superficial things. I wish I wouldn’t have that wolfish grin spread on my face whenever things go my way. I think I’m looking for the word humble, because my brain gets so infatuated with the deceiving and ephemeral climax of power and skips the reality check.

Somehow I planted in my brain the seed that I’m sort of untouchable and that luck is the best thing I have and even though it seems to be true, I should set some limits until things get… different. There no such thing as continuous blessings without any downhill.

Anyway I wish I could explain this better but I’ll just leave it here. It’s all good as long as things are under control. That’s the key. To know your limits.

Weird post, ha?

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

Everything random

I think I came a long way. I think I also lost a lot of things along the way.

I am a bit hot-headed. I rush into things, I don’t really calculate anything and I can’t say I really learn from my mistakes, but I managed to tame myself in time. Small progress is a progress too. I think I’m really bad at quotes also.

But that’s the beauty of any of us. The small things that define us, that give us personality. Th mix of all our traits. I’m also never happy with, mostly, everything I do. Rarely I’m satisfied 100% with something I do, and sometimes when I’m happy with what I do turns out is shit for others :))) but then again it’s a matter of perspective.

To be honest if it was for me I will never publish anything I write here. I rarely correct what I write and when I do, I change half of what I initially wrote. If it was for me nothing it’s good enough, but strangely, when I read what I’m writing I feel it’s not that bad. I think I need time to process my actions.

I also hate that people can never understand what’s really happening with you. People don’t cut you any slack. It’s like we are judging machines, we don’t know how to give anybody a slice of understanding. I try to put myself in somebody’s shoes, and rarely I’ll go full on criticizing somebody.

What I hate the most is jealousy. It’s the worst when it comes to anything. It’s a waste of time and energy. It’s pure negativity. It’s worse when it comes from close people. From mature people.

I also hate when people act ridiculous, when they mock and mimic like children in kindergarden. I mean you’re a grown up, you must’ve learned by now that you can’t be childishly mean. It doesn’t suit you anymore. You have a life now, you’re a grown up, you have family, you’re reaching a certain level and still you’re bothered with other people’s life. Not to mention that, mostly, the people who are pointing a finger are the ones with a lot of sins of their own.

I mean, why you’re bothered so much. Is life that boring at a certain stage? Highschool was fine, we were excited by the least important gossip, and even back then we would’t believe what was rumored, it was just fun. Now it’s just mean and silly. No, this can’t be a vision of the future.

What I also hate is that people will never understand what’s really going on between two people. They see a picture from the outside and they alter it as they like. Why? What’s your satisfaction in this. You feel less bored? You consider this a topic worth discussing? Sad, sad, sad. Mind your own business, simple as that.

I also don’t understand how people throw to the wolves the people who really give a shit about them. I mean, fuck it, you throw some shade on the people who really cared about your sorry ass. You turn the attention from your incapable self to your friends, putting them in a very bad light as an amusement. For what? To heal your self-esteem? To pretend that other people are bad when you are the one to blame for everything.

You see, karma is around the corner, and nobody escapes. It’s a step away. The weird thing is that people are into BDSM, and they always want more punishment. As you like.

I watched 6 movies in the last 24 hours. One must rightly assume that I’m bored. Haha I am. I am also drained sometimes. I am tired. I always try to give my best but sometimes I fail. Big time. Big time man!

I came a long way and I need to thank some people for making me stronger. For making me see the difference between a small thing and how much I should invest in it, and what’s really important. There are people who are telling you the truth and they also tell you to look in the mirror and see a lion. That’s damn right! Dont’t visualise a sheep, but a lion.

Strong people have their weaknesses but they try to make others feel that everything is under control. And it is, if you look at it without fear.

Anyway, I’m so random today. It’s like a small summary of brain and heart and a small corner of universe.

Am I happy? No matter what, I am. With my flaws, with the things I miss in my life, with the things i wish for and I don’t get, with everything. Am I mean? Rarely. I am more of a preacher. But then again, we have a saying “do what the priest says, not what he does”. I went bonkers with my quotes again :)))))

It’s all love and Friday evening writing shenanigans. Peace!

There’s a price

Maybe I was raised like this. Or maybe I developed this belief in time. I don’t know; but I believe that there’s a price for everything. For every single moment of happiness, for every smile, for every good thing in your life, you have to give something back.

I’m not saying this with sadness or with superstition I’m saying this with something rather awful: resignation.

Sometimes the thought of paying for something good in my life is actually ruining that good thing, preventing me from enjoying it. I can’t stop thinking “This is too good to be true and it will never last”. But I also noticed that when something bad happens, soon enough good comes along. There’s some sort of a balance… if I can call it that.

I believe we get what we deserve. Then somebody said “Do we? Do you believe in Judgement Day? There are good people that don’t get anything their entire life and then they die.”

It made me think. I used to believe that you get what you deserve based on a simple fact: if you fight/ask/go for it. If we stick around and wait for things to be given to us than it will never happen. Go get it and if you deserve it, you will succeed. It’s about the nerve, the guts.

Waiting for your turn does not really apply in my opinion. People with initiative get things done. They cross their limits. My only throwback is that I believe in destiny, if it’s meant or not meant to be and I tried to fight it a few times (more than few actually) and I paid for my stubborness.

Now this is where I clash. There’s a contradiction right here, between “get it no matter what” and “it’s in the hands of destiny”. This is where my crossroad is and I am still in the middle of the intersection.

It’s busy in my head. I remember random things and I start analyzing them. A lot. I debate with myself on how it’s supposed to be and I create principles and ideas. I am flexible thoug, come with strong arguments and I’ll give it another thought. I believe in discussion and conversations, in words and meanings.

I can talk anytime. I can form an opinion even on something I don’t know much about, without being considered ignorant.

Back to the price… is not that we don’t deserve to be happy, but us, humans, in our nature, are self-distructive. We do things to ourselves and to others. We like pain and drama, we have this weird cravings for BDSM with life.

We lose our way sometimes, and some of us don’t find it back. I’m not sure yet if I got what I deserve. I look back though and for the bad times I got some pretty awesome ones in return. I know some great people who helped me along the way. And people are the key.

I did some bad things, not always intentionally and now it’s where I’m stuck again, because even though I felt like I got my karma dose, I am not really sure if the punishment matched the crime. I will defend myself, I will find excuses just like everybody else but I can’t stop asking myself from time to time if it was enough or if it’s yet to come. Here is where I shudder… if it’s yet to come. Because damn sure nobody’s ready.

But you just wait. This is how it works. And it will come.

No good deed left unpunished. Proverb

And this is for an antagonic end, as we all are.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Bye now!

Saturdays I bring my drafts to life

It will be a bit confusing.

I’m doing it not because I’m naive or unaware but because I don’t want to miss chances. I don’t want to look back and think “I should’ve said that” or “I should’ve done that”. No! I’m saying it if I feel like and I ask for it if I want it. If I don’t get what I asked for, at least I won’t regret I didn’t try. It’s easy. I speak for myself and it doesn’t matter if people think different. I am not supposed to live by their rules.

I don’t want to miss moments and I don’t want to miss opportunities. Maybe sometimes it’s not my best approach on things but it’s mine, it’s my way of doing things. Sometimes I thank myself for not keeping quiet and sometimes I go way too far. But again I am not supposed to sit and wait for something to come my way by doing nothing. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. It’s simple.

There are these boundaries set by society and by people themselves that are supposed to keep you on a leash but I’m not obliging. I speak, I laugh, I cry, I get angry and most important I take the damn burden off my chest whenever I can. Some might say I didn’t learn anything but again it depends on what I’m supposed to be learning.

“I would rather die of passion than boredom” – Van Gogh. Yeah, me too. I fear boredom and I always try to come up with new ways of keeping it away. My mind works on new tricks all the time on how to entertain my existence. I don’t need nobody to innovate for me, at this chapter I’m self-sufficient.

I am asking not because I don’t know the answer or I don’t have instincts, but because I know I might be surprised or I am hoping that I’ll be surprised, and one day that answer will change. Of course, I get disappointed sometimes but who the hell doesn’t. But I TRIED, this is my forever consolation and belief.

I try even when my instinct tells me not to because I am a non-believer, I am stubborn as hell and I need to see it with my own eyes. I chill after. I am satisfied as long as there is an answer, good or bad but there has to be an answer.

I don’t like simple things or categories, and even though sometimes I crave routine and normality, I easily get bored of it. I realized that I need to KNOW stuff, I want to SEE things, I want to experience the things I will never be able to experience later on.

On the other hand, I could’ve experienced everything (good or bad) next to somebody. I know that. But that somebody didn’t show up… until today. I guess I just had to experience it all alone so I could fully understand it. So I can get no comfort from anybody, especially for the bad ones. It would’ve been easier next to somebody, that’s why I had to be all alone, all the time.

Anyway, I tried. I’m the definition of optimism… somehow. The epiphany might change later on.

A beautiful mind…

Here I stand lazy on the couch, having my third glass of wine… Something bothers me… Lack of sleep (having a sleeping disorder since I know myself) or some hormonal devilish changes… I don’t know… I love dots… I am watching “A beautiful mind” and I ca barely write…

The same question “why this mood?”

Everybody knows me as a happy and positive girl and still I am lying here depressed on this living room couch, unwilling to do something to get me out of this mood. Where did I reached?

Is it age? Is it sorrow? Unfulfilled dreams? Everybody has them. Everybody has something they want to change. Thanks God to this editor, I can see my spelling mistakes…

I am lost these days. Lost as in “out of this planet” lost…

Another sip of wine and an invisible pressure bends my back. Mom… I often think about her… Don’t know why. Miss her…

My brother… at least he’s happy, accomplished…

What I’m missing though? I am strong as a bull and I never failed to get up. Never!

Thanks God I have a job, a car, a mind…

Maybe my mind works against me. I remember those days of school when my only problem was to get up in the morning.

I loved school, didn’t miss a day. Then slowly, slowly I made my way through life…

What a life and what I’ve seen… Won’t believe the things I’ve seen, far beyond your wildest dreams… A song or so…

Dots…

I often ask myself if I am a good person… What is the meaning of a good person?

I did all the mistakes I needed to do… Learned or not, is still to see…

Caught in a rational vs. irrational battle. Can’t find my peace…

My policy is to go with the flow… To forgive and to love unconditionally and then I turn against all of my principles…

My life… such a disorder and yet such a meaningful thing. The things I’ve seen, the people I’ve met, the things I learned…

Dots…

I want a pet, I want to dance, I want to sing…I want to trust… Myself…

So insecure despite all of my strengths, all of my… what?

We all need to go low to get high. To see the depths so we can be mesmerised by the heights… Flowing away…

The ink waters of the ocean, the blue sky, the yellow sand… Life is a beach, I leave next to it…

Lost in my own thoughts… wanting something that I can get up and do myself but still pinned on the sofa… Dog tired, Master… The Green Mile…

I am happy in my own way… with small little things, with ashes and with crumbs… a self-destructive force… we all bound to it…

Seeing a great future that ceases to come… far away… one has to follow his dreams and everything will be just fine…

Falling in love with the mind… with the brain… She believes in him so much… Still watching a beautiful mind… How she dedicates herself to him… Who will do this in our times… We reject what is different…

I need some time… alone… in a beautiful place… This city got me empty…

Tomorrow… I’ll be just fine… Night is a healer… just a good night sleep…

Good night…

When, where, how?

How did I get here? The question that bothers me lately… actually it turned into an obsession. How did I get here? How did I get here?

Here… Where???

At the point where I don’t know who I am any more. It’s just an identity crisis or my demons just decided to have a riot inside my head.

Is weird to start blogging in such a pessimist manner but hey it’s my blog.

I’m restless. I’m in a continuous race with everything and I don’t have time to enjoy anything. I was never careless; I used to be a good child with good grades and good behaviour, always trying to do the right thing. Always worried about doing the right thing. My mind works without interruption, my heart feels the smallest emotion and everything accumulates inside me like the lava inside a volcano.

It erupts when i least expect it, in so many different ways. And it’s so hard to explain it. It’s so hard to answer the question “What’s wrong?”…

I try to deepen myself into work, but sometimes I lose track. I try to give the best of me but I only feel like failing. I am afraid to dream because I know dreams are not real. Am I a realist? Am I stuck in a bitter reality?

I try to have fun but there’s always something missing. There’s a shadow to my every smile. I always look for perfect things when I know that nothing’s perfect. And I’m stubborn. So damn stubborn.

I’m random. I’m looking for the small pleasures of life. I’m attention deficit disordered. I am a million shades of grey.

Whenever I have something I try to change it. I’m not a realist. I’m a changeist (making up my own vocabulary).

I am loved but I feel the opposite. Why? Couldn’t explain that. Maybe because I always find new principles and ideas to guide myself. Maybe because I just can’t enjoy completely something. Maybe because there’s a demon whispering in my ear “Ask for more!!”.

I’m not a religious person but I have faith. My religion is destiny. Am I a fatalist? Don’t know… don’t know…

Probably I’m trying to include myself into a category, into a pattern. I’m trying to be something that I’m not, that I will never be. And I can’t understand that I have to be me… free…

I have to free my mind from myself, from everything that ever happened. I have to come at peace with myself. I have to let everything go.

Confusing? Scary? It is for me, and for anybody who gets to know me better.

I always have the feeling that nobody knows who I am or what I’m made of. But then I realise that I am the one who doesn’t. I am trying to tame myself, because I feel I’m not on the right track. But do I need to be what others need me to be? Do I really need a category or a pattern?

May seem crazy talk, but this is MY crazy talk. I talk to myself to find out more. To know more.

Knowing… This is another topic…

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