Writing out loud

I think there are less and less original ideas and it’s very hard to be under the spotlight without anything groundbreaking. You can’t be mediocre. If you want to start something you must have a vision and that brief moment of genius.

The more time you allow to pass without doing it the harder it becomes. Just like everything else in life. You grow older and more complex. Your basic needs turn into intricate ones, you are not satisfied with little things, you are not satisfied with even a tridimensional view of things.

Your own self-perception changes and you aspire to be this great being doing even greater deeds and when you fail it resonates deep inside you. It’s hard to stand out in a world that fabricate ideas on a conveyor belt.

And then there’s this battle inside us that makes so frail. This antithesis of feelings and actions that makes us so eternally unsatisfied and changing. We criticize ourselves so badly that we just wish to give up right after we started. We put these insecurities and weaknesses first and then we just get discouraged.

Or maybe it’s just me. I’m so easily discouraged and I can’t really understand how I could go trough some really hard situations in my life and I jus can’t give myself a high-five for a job well done.

I spend my time searching for that start, for that moment where I am confident enough to start. And then all I get is delay. And time is passing, and time is a wizard. And that thought that you’ll have to go through an existence with accomplishing your purpose is not really friendly.

How do you know your purpose?

I ask myself quite often. What is there for me? And sometimes I let my imagination free. I follow my imagination like a spectator. And you know what I notice? Even my imagination has boundaries. Set by society, by myself, by my sins, by what they say it’s a sin. Am I religious? Not quite. I’m spiritual let’s say. I might have faith. Yet to discover.

I think I was born loud. Good lungs. Usually people who change the world have soft voices. Calm and calculated. Stern yet sunny and soothing. But there’s a lucky start-up on my skies. And that star saved me from so many troubles. That star guided me to me. That’s the star where my grandmother lives now.

Again, back to purpose. I always like these dreamy activities, loose and not too sharp. And in the same time I loved geometry and space and finding hidden diagonals. I always loved to write and I participated in numerous competitions. I just did one mistake, I didn’t let my imagination run free. That’s why now it’s distorted by all these factors.

I said to myself that I’m a realist because this is what life had showed me. That day dreaming is for those who can afford it and if you lose yourself too much in it you might as well lose everything around you. There’s only one good thing about it. When you’re down you have an escape. You have that vivid corner of your mind where everything seems possible and you actually start to believe that it can be a future projection.

But then you have to be original. And you look for inspiration. Obviously you don’t look for it inside you, at first. We are copy cats. We look around first. Small steps and we manage to what we think others are doing better than us. But we’ll always be copy cats and that’s not the scope.

where’s that spark though? Why everything seems so unworthy of seeing daylight? Why nothing is ever good enough?

Ok I’m very rhetorical in this post. But I’m just wondering, what am I actually good for. What’s that secret talent or gift or call it whatever you want. I mean I know a few things I can do but what’s my greatest one. Or maybe is nothing and I’m just meant to be mediocre.

Imagine if one day tables turn and I’ll read these words from the winners perspective and I’ll be a cocky little bastard looking back and saying “you know, I always had this feeling that I’ll make it…” And then, in my cockiness I’ll be content. But then you have to be cocky sometimes, too.

Humbleness just humbles you more. You need to have that dose of audacity that makes you jump when there’s nothing under your feet.

I mean what can be better than doing what you love, what you’re really good at?

Again, as I said it before I’m a person who believes in destiny. Let’s say I’ve been shown that there’s a certain way things happen and sometimes I have no control of it. Let’s just say that when I believed there’s no escape, there was and it made my mind expand. And my mind absorbed this idea of new solutions like a sponge. And if you ask me, everything is possible. Except chasing away that demon that pokes my head with crazy thoughts.

I said to myself, what’s the best way to write a book. Use your own life as a source of inspiration. I mean, there it is, you have the setting, the characters, the situations. Will it be interesting? Well usually people get pretty caught up in the course of events. Will it be a good idea? Hell no! You have to be ready to accept outside criticism wich is probably going to hurt your feelings even more than you thought. Then you’ll be so vulnerable and walk around like an open book. And I don’t mind that but let’s just say i learned from early ages that you can’t really get fully accepted. Another idea gone to waste I guess. I’ll just have to publish it post-mortem.

But then it’s so discouraging when you have to write pure fiction. I feel my mind doesn’t help me anymore. I am writing purely to practice now and I know it will end, I’ll stop for now and who knows when I’ll start again.

I need to persevere. My posts get longer and longer with time. I had an average of 600 words per post when I started writing and now I can easily go 1000 in 10 minutes. The more you try to find your kickstart the more discouraging it gets. I mean look at J K Rowling. How can you ever beat that. Ok, I’m not stopping there but any other writer sounds better than you’ll ever do.

Should I let somebody else read it?

Not yet.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

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Thoughts of thoughts

I don’t know when you get your energy kicks, but mine is right now. I don’t sleep much. I can’t and when I can, it’s one of the best things I can get. I love sleeping and in the same time I’m not very succesful at it. Exactly like everything else in my life. What I really love, I can’t have. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? (Alanis Morisette loop).

Anyway, me and my energy kick are doing fine for now. I didn’t write on the blog for quite a while because I had too many things on my mind, and honestly I didn’t know where or when to start. So I waited to settle down a little bit.

What goes through my mind? Oh, tons of things an ideas. Tons of projects and dreams and I can’t seem to reach where I want to. It’s not that I’m stuck on the negative aspects in my life. It’s not my way. I can’t find hope in the darkest moments. Don’t worry about my hoping skills.

I always thought of myself a person of no ambition. By nature, I am a person that loves comfort and stability. I like to have my own habits and privacy and I’m visibly bothered when I’m distracted and invaded. I like to grow, but I also like to enjoy my habits. I like to be challenged, it gives me a push but I still don’t consider myself ambitious. Ambition, in my opinion, means to reach a self-set target, by any means. Even if they don’t match your capacities/requirements/personality. It’s very impressive, when you can pass anything that comes your way.

Me, I like to prove that I can do things. But these things have to excite me. Most of the times I do things because I don’t like to let people down. I am always afraid that I will disappoint people’s expectations. But this can’t last for long with me. Redundancy is something that I can’t take for long. I need to know more or to be honest I like to know everything regarding what I do. I don’t like limitations. I always want to be in control even though I don’t want to be in charge. If that makes any sense.

Many times I seek satisfaction in what I do, because I don’t have much satisfaction in other aspects of my life. And I don’t mean material satisfaction, even though that’s a key factor too. I seek personal satisfaction and I like a job well done. I like to look at what I’ve done, and say to myself “Well, Gabz, you outdid yourself!” Yeah, cocky.

Sometimes I’m good at what I do, sometimes I’m very good and sometimes I’m careless. When I’m careless it means I don’t know much about what I’m doing or it just doesn’t spark in me… what is supposed to spark. I try to learn everything and to manage everything and yet sometimes I fail. I hate to think I’m not good at something. I’m one of those people who take failure personally. Too bad. This didn’t help me much.

I believe ambition comes with motivation. It can be your self-implemented goal that can trigger that motivation or it can be an outside source. Usually when people motivate themselves is because they want to achieve a material target or a career/position goal. I desire none. That’s why personally, I prefer the outside motivation. When other people grow you. But I’m also aware that you can’t be praised when you don’t do much.

You will say that everybody has material targets and I’ll strongly agree with you. But I don’t think amounts or goods… almost never. If y ou ask what’s my goal, is to be able to cover all my expenses and in the same time to be able to enjoy life in a good way. If you think that’s not a goal, it’s ok. I would like, for example, to be able to travel whenever I want to, be it for a weekend only. Just to be able to book and flight and be gone without thinking too much.

If you think that building an empire it’s a real goal, then I’ll agree with you too. Only that building an empire consumes a different kind of currency. Time. And it’s your time. You’re the only one who pays. And it involves possible failure, something that I can’t take well. It involves responsibilities, and I hate to be responsible for others.

Many times I sit and think about these things and in the world we live, I seem naive. Maybe I am. I still believe that goals can mean a beautiful family, time for yourself and all that. To be honest if you look at the world nowadays these are rare. I think the goals game might change.

Anyway, these are things that bother me from time to time. I often find myself loyal to the bigger picture but bitter to my daily routine. And I don’t know how to describe this feeling exactly and I hate myself sometimes that I can’t be a mercenary.

And all these thoughts and feels make me think of what I really want and this is where my dilemma starts. I find myself in the position of a 7 years old who’s being asked what he wants to be when he grows up. I am still tempted to say “ballerina”.

If only everything will be that easy. If only we’d know what to do or what we want. If only we wouldn’t find ourselves lost from time to time, in thoughts and promises of better opportunities. If only…

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans! Peace!

Fail to reboot

You know what’s the worst? When somebody you used to love becomes somebody… regular… again. That’s cruel… when your heart doesn’t skip a beat when you look at them and they don’t warm you up like they used to.

We run out of love, or we force ourselves out of love, and then the object of our adoration has no significance anymore. Is not that we completely take them out of our system, but they don’t have the same effect on us. Like a medicine that doesn’t do the job anymore. Your body just doesn’t respond to it.

It’s hard to have loved somebody and then just look at them plain. Simple. With no excitement, with no desire. And how much you used to feel those before. When their simple presence tormented and twisted the thoughts in your head. When you thought of them so much that you’d start dreaming of them at night.

Now you just sleep peacefully.

All that love gone to waste. You still look at them with that warm feeling, that “yeah, this was my favourite human once” and… that’s it. They made you feel so fuzzy and giggly, and every single thing that they said or did left you in awe. And now all that is mockery.

You go to sleep at night and you don’t feel the need to have them next to you. You don’t want to text them, even though before you were desperate to get in touch. You don’t have them constantly present in your thoughts and prayers… they are just drifting away. Apart.

If once they consumed your whole being, now you are somehow grateful they don’t. It’s like that love was also a burden, and not more than once you felt its pressure.

You still wish them well, you’ll always feel that way and if you don’t it means you never loved them. This is how love works for me. If at any point I gave a part of my life, of my time, of my heart to somebody and it was true, then it will always remain as an echo of warm feelings when it comes to them. And yes you can love more than one person, the difference is when you find the one you’ll love the most. That’s when stars align and fireworks crack all night and lit the sky. And even then things will not be easy. Love, as anything else in life, has ups and downs and it doesn’t make it any less real and amazing.

Starting to lose the chain of thoughts…

But it’s sad when you don’t need somebody anymore, when you don’t feel the need to share with them simple things, and when you don’t really care how they’re doing, or if they’re ok. It’s sad that you don’t want them like you used to. That you don’t replay in your mind all the nice moments that you’ve been through. You don’t think the whole day about the night before…

It’s sad that you don’t want to make them happy anymore and to protect them from anything bad that could happen. It’s sad that everything nice turned into spite. And you spit venom when you say their name. That’s resentment. And that’s still better than moving on. Moving on means game over. Resentment means you still want to play.

The day something they do doesn’t affect you anymore it’s a sad they for them. The day you see them with someone else and tears don’t gargle down your throat it’s the day your calvary is over. If the idea of them with someone else doesn’t make you lose sleep and burn with jealousy, then you’re done. Your herculean labours are over.

And it’s sad. How come a person your heart made an isle for, can become so… ordinary. If once you saw perfection in them now you see all their flaws. And it bothers you. No we are not blind. We saw everything before, it just didn’t bother us. Perfectly imperfect.

It’s sad that you want to find someone new and you let the dust cover their memory. It’s sad that all your projections are not including them. If before you imagined them next to you all along, now you just do math. You become a cold-blooded mathematician, analyzing every possible theory. Because now you’re awake.

With every part of our heart that we give away, we become colder. The more we used to give, the emptier we are left. We regenerate, but with new feelings, with new focus. No place for old feelings. You can’t rekindle something that is consumed. Let the wounds heal and look at the scars from time to time.

And sometimes love is not even consumed. It didn’t even get the chance to fully blossom. You HAD to cut it because it was actually poison ivy. And all those “what if” all those “what could’ve been”… those hurt. You didn’t even get the chance to mature your love. You didn’t have the chance to love enough. You just have to repress it, to pull back all those feeling that will never reach their purpose.

I regret the love I couldn’t give. I regret when I don’t have the chance to show somebody how good I can make them feel, how dedicated I can be to them. I regret that they’ll never know how I can love them… because they just don’t want to.

But then what can we do? We’re not left for dead; we just stand up and move on. Until one day our efforts will be rewarded and not only we’ll get back what we give, but we’ll not ne afraid to give some more.

We try, we fail sometimes but I always say that whatever was done with love can’t be blamed.

*

Can it be resurrected? Read between the lines.

It’s all love and afternoon writing shenanigans (for a change). Peace!

Tabloid inspired post

I am tired. I am tired of not being able to do what I want to. I am tired of shattered dreams, of insufficiency, of window shopping and so on. The worst part is that you can get all that with money. Money makes this world go round. And I’m not a kid but I still consider it so unfair.

There’s so much potential in some people who just don’t have the means. And some people, plain flat and useless are drowning in money. I mean we see everyday, on TV, on social media, the “influencers” of today. I mean, man, take the Kardashians. What’s their talent? Leaked porn videos. Inherited money? Their fake asses? And why is one of them one of the most influential people today? Why do we promote nudity and pornography when it comes to her and when it comes to simple people we are hypocrits. We can all agree that sex sells but then we are against it also. Where’s the sense here?

Why do I hear people say “Good for her, she was smart!”. What did she do, first of all? Lay on her belly? Name something notable for the good of mankind that she accomplished in her life? And don’t start with charity and donations. If you ask me this should be, by default, something rich people should do. Share the damn wealth, you have enough, help those in need if you can. It’s called decency. It’s called caring for your keen, help chidren, help people with disabilities. Help those who can’t help themselves.

The worst part is that the richer they get, the more they want. More and more money and fame, until they what? Where is the limit to this?

And children today take that as influence. We grew up having role models our parents, our grandparents, or brothers and sisters. We had different dreams. We wanted to be decent when we grow up. TV presenters, ballerinas, doctors, astronauts, etc. Nowdays they want to be famous by any means even if this usually ends with sacrificing their innocence.

They want to be people with no values, and escalate the levels of society without any dignity. The first lady of United States has a naked pictorial and she married the man she probably hates from the depth of her heart, for money and fame. But everything has a price.

Some of the people that most contributed to the good of humanity were humble and private. Even though they had so much to show and to share, their wisdom and common sense kept them on the ground, kept them anchored to reality with no desire to be worshiped. And the best part is that they deserved.

That’s the pattern nowdays, attention seekeing, over the night achieved fame. And I don’t mind when somebody who really deserves it, gets it. It’s not about that. I support and I can be happy for people who make it. But they need to inspire the others with something positive. Not sex tapes and scandals.

Want a sex tape, keep it for you. Watch it from time to time if you like, but to make something so private a public topic it’s a bit too much. Do whatever you want with your private life, who am I to judge. We all have our own sins and guilty pleasures.

Shouldn’t we be ashamed to have as a base, as a starting point, a sex tape? Aren’t morals working this way? I am not a conservative person. At all. My mind can open up to anything, anything. But I can’t take these fake, sex fueled “celebrities” and the huge influence they have on society. You should have sex because you want it, because you feel like it, because you thought about it, etc and it should remain there in your bedroom, or whateve place you choose. Does that make me conservative? So be it, then.

From what I know, and I happen to know quite well, public sex is an offence but then again we have no problem in making some boring porn the start-up of fame. Hypocrites man, hypocrites.

Our childen and their future children are watching this! They want to become this! What in the name of God! I have no children but if I will one day have and they’ll thell me when they’ll grow up that they want to be like the people I mentioned before, I will feel that I failed as a parent.

I wouldn’t want them to be like me, even. Not that I’m bad but I have my mistakes and my vices. And I know myself enough to admit that I’m not a role model. But I can work on myself and what I’m feeding to my children’s minds. I’ll want them to be decent human beings with common sense and respect for themselves. And it’s normal. Everybody should want that.

But I see more and more parents saying “go for it, take the money”, “do whatever it takes to reach there”, “as long as if benefits you, do it”. Stop it, please! You are encouranging your children, that you so hardly raised, to be cheap people, to sell themselves. You teach them how to take shortcuts and you protect them, until they will be faced with a tragedy and they won’t have a clue on how to hande it. They will be used of having everything, spoiled little brats, who never worked a day in their lives for something that they want. They will be used to just take.

Yeah, provide for your children, I strongly agree, but it’s a very fine line for when it’s too much. Don’t make them believe world is easy and they can have everything they ever want, because when they don’t, they will be so hartbroken, and so lost because you created this bubble around them.

Life is not about paparazzi chasing you, or your face on media every single day. A lot of celebrities suffer of depressions, drug abuse and unhappy marriages because they just don’t know how to handle fame. They are lost in a vertigo of temptations and vices and rarely come out of it.

Let’s be role models for our generations. Let’s make them want to be less like these superficial people and more like themselves. Let’s encourage their talents and abilities, rather than pushing them to a life of lies.

I don’t know why I am preaching so much tonight, my initial idea for this post was so different.

Anyway, it’s all love, and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

Petrol station time wasting post

The best people are those who make you feel damn comfortable when you’re around them. The people that make everything feel natural and easy. Not too many explanations, no hidden meanings, no pretending.

I mean this is the way it should be. We choose out of tons of people a few that we call our friends, and it should be natural to just be ourselves around them. I love these people that make me feel like “yeah, everything is cool and easy, and I can open my heart and my brain to you”.

A lot of people lost trust. In everything, man. They just built walls so high around them and it’s almost impossible to open up again. That’s the fuckery of this world. We lose ourselves inside ourselves. No window through these walls and no chance for a door.

Most pople are like “you need to stop opening up, you need to stop sharing everything, you need to be mean, to be tough, to not give a shit, to hide, to stop caring, etc”. And all I think is “WHY?”

Fuck it, you don’t live my life. Why would anybody care. Why? I am who I want to be. And hell no, I’m not stupid. And if I am, at the end of the day it’s my burden to deal with. I hate being somebody that I’m not. If i’m enjoying, damn sure you’ll see it, if I’m happy you’ll see my smile like the Ecuador. If I want something, let me have it. The way I want it, not the way you want it.

Coming back to people that make me feel myself. Man, you have to agree that it’s so easy when you meet somebody and you can talk about things with honesty. When you can admit to everything without feeling that you’re being punished. When you can admit that you’re wrong without feeling guilty. When you can admit that you’re weak, that you’re frustrated, that your fuckin life is nothig you ever imagine it will be. It’s ok. It’s just fine. As long as you are finding peace within yourself and you can sleep at night, then screw everything else. Who will remember all this bullshit in the freakin afterlife?

And even if they do, then you’re a legend my friend. You did some epic shit in your life and most important you did whatever the hell you felt like. That’s freedom, that’s power, that’s you conquering all you goddamn fears. That’s next level shit.

Go for whatever the hell you want. We don’t live forever except the memory of others and only some of us will ve remembered.

You think I hide behind excuses? If I want to hide then you’ll never find out. Do you think I can’t make something disappear? But I choose not to do it. Simple as that.

I want something, I go for it. And one day when I’ll look back, with white hair and a wrinkled face, I’ll still have that sparkle in my eyes of a life fully lived. With good and bad. With everything in it. And I will live a long life, because it’s not meant to be forgotten too fast. I’m meant to sit in a rocking chair on a porch and smile when I look back in time.

Please God don’t send me Alzheimer’s.

So this is my vision. Wrong or right who cares? If you care you shouldn’t.

And then there are those people who raise that fuckin eyebrow up their forehead when they see you having fun and enjoying your life (and I’m talking here about close friends too) like they know better, like they know everything in life. First of all if you’re a friend be a friend till the end. I never stopped anybody from enjoying, from being unappologetically happy. Let’s be more supportive to being happy than being judgemental.

Let me smile because there were so many nights when I cried my heart out and I cursed the life inside my veins. There were way too many moments when I was ready to give up on everything and no, I don’t to tell about my life and I don’t need to have a sad look on my face for you to believe me. I went through shit that most of the people can’t even imagine. I know sadness in some of the deepest forms. In the shape of people and demons. In the depth of my heart, ripping apart my soul, my existence.

But I replaced it with this will of being alive and happy. I locked everything traumatizing inside myself and I decided to forget about it. It’s not that easy and you can call it a defence mechanism, you can call it a freudian shit or whatever you want but as long as it works i’m fine with it.

Anyway, it’s late. Arming myself.

It’s all love and late night petrol station writing shenanigans. Peace!

Be careful what you wish for

I wish not all the things that come through my mind will come true. Or I should not wish for certain things. Whenever I want something, sooner or later I’ll get it. There are exceptions of course, but then you can’t always have it all. In a way I can’t really explain what I mean but I’ll try.

It happened many times that an idea got stuck in the back of my head and then one day, out of nowhere it came true. I don’t know why it’s not happening with finding a bag of money or fame but yeah, I’ll take it as it is.

Even though I strongly believe that I have no will and I’m very deceiving when it comes to goals somehow something inside me works towards some things and my whole being doesn’t stop until the target is achieved. The worst part is that it works for bad things too. That’s a mess. Because I wish for things that are not really… right, nor decent, nor with any benefit to my life. But then again you have to live up to your mistakes.

I wish I could be more explicit but it’s not that easy. The most important thing is that it works 90% out of 100%. In the rare occasions when I don’t get what I want I become so spoiled and I just don’t understand that I can’t always get what I want, and that, maybe, I already got enough.

The other bad thing is that, in my head, I start to be manipulative, knowing that most of the times I get what I want. But to be honest sometimes I push it and even if I know that it’s something bad I still want it to happen, and it does just to teach me a lesson. What I thought will be a victory is bitter AF.

My vanity grows bigger too. It’s this feeling of power, of control that makes you blind to the side effects but then AGAIN, my puffy brain doesn’t really acknowledge failure so it keeps on making new weird achievements. I need a professor Xavier to help me concentrat my energy towards other things.

Anyway, I’m half sarcastic and the real point is that sometimes we really don’t know what we wish for and what to do with the things we have. We are so lost or missguided at certain moments in our lives and we don’t really learn anything. But then again, lessons never stop. And everything is there for a reason, obvious or not.

I just wish I could channel my powers towards less selfish and superficial things. I wish I wouldn’t have that wolfish grin spread on my face whenever things go my way. I think I’m looking for the word humble, because my brain gets so infatuated with the deceiving and ephemeral climax of power and skips the reality check.

Somehow I planted in my brain the seed that I’m sort of untouchable and that luck is the best thing I have and even though it seems to be true, I should set some limits until things get… different. There no such thing as continuous blessings without any downhill.

Anyway I wish I could explain this better but I’ll just leave it here. It’s all good as long as things are under control. That’s the key. To know your limits.

Weird post, ha?

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

Everything random

I think I came a long way. I think I also lost a lot of things along the way.

I am a bit hot-headed. I rush into things, I don’t really calculate anything and I can’t say I really learn from my mistakes, but I managed to tame myself in time. Small progress is a progress too. I think I’m really bad at quotes also.

But that’s the beauty of any of us. The small things that define us, that give us personality. Th mix of all our traits. I’m also never happy with, mostly, everything I do. Rarely I’m satisfied 100% with something I do, and sometimes when I’m happy with what I do turns out is shit for others :))) but then again it’s a matter of perspective.

To be honest if it was for me I will never publish anything I write here. I rarely correct what I write and when I do, I change half of what I initially wrote. If it was for me nothing it’s good enough, but strangely, when I read what I’m writing I feel it’s not that bad. I think I need time to process my actions.

I also hate that people can never understand what’s really happening with you. People don’t cut you any slack. It’s like we are judging machines, we don’t know how to give anybody a slice of understanding. I try to put myself in somebody’s shoes, and rarely I’ll go full on criticizing somebody.

What I hate the most is jealousy. It’s the worst when it comes to anything. It’s a waste of time and energy. It’s pure negativity. It’s worse when it comes from close people. From mature people.

I also hate when people act ridiculous, when they mock and mimic like children in kindergarden. I mean you’re a grown up, you must’ve learned by now that you can’t be childishly mean. It doesn’t suit you anymore. You have a life now, you’re a grown up, you have family, you’re reaching a certain level and still you’re bothered with other people’s life. Not to mention that, mostly, the people who are pointing a finger are the ones with a lot of sins of their own.

I mean, why you’re bothered so much. Is life that boring at a certain stage? Highschool was fine, we were excited by the least important gossip, and even back then we would’t believe what was rumored, it was just fun. Now it’s just mean and silly. No, this can’t be a vision of the future.

What I also hate is that people will never understand what’s really going on between two people. They see a picture from the outside and they alter it as they like. Why? What’s your satisfaction in this. You feel less bored? You consider this a topic worth discussing? Sad, sad, sad. Mind your own business, simple as that.

I also don’t understand how people throw to the wolves the people who really give a shit about them. I mean, fuck it, you throw some shade on the people who really cared about your sorry ass. You turn the attention from your incapable self to your friends, putting them in a very bad light as an amusement. For what? To heal your self-esteem? To pretend that other people are bad when you are the one to blame for everything.

You see, karma is around the corner, and nobody escapes. It’s a step away. The weird thing is that people are into BDSM, and they always want more punishment. As you like.

I watched 6 movies in the last 24 hours. One must rightly assume that I’m bored. Haha I am. I am also drained sometimes. I am tired. I always try to give my best but sometimes I fail. Big time. Big time man!

I came a long way and I need to thank some people for making me stronger. For making me see the difference between a small thing and how much I should invest in it, and what’s really important. There are people who are telling you the truth and they also tell you to look in the mirror and see a lion. That’s damn right! Dont’t visualise a sheep, but a lion.

Strong people have their weaknesses but they try to make others feel that everything is under control. And it is, if you look at it without fear.

Anyway, I’m so random today. It’s like a small summary of brain and heart and a small corner of universe.

Am I happy? No matter what, I am. With my flaws, with the things I miss in my life, with the things i wish for and I don’t get, with everything. Am I mean? Rarely. I am more of a preacher. But then again, we have a saying “do what the priest says, not what he does”. I went bonkers with my quotes again :)))))

It’s all love and Friday evening writing shenanigans. Peace!

There’s a price

Maybe I was raised like this. Or maybe I developed this belief in time. I don’t know; but I believe that there’s a price for everything. For every single moment of happiness, for every smile, for every good thing in your life, you have to give something back.

I’m not saying this with sadness or with superstition I’m saying this with something rather awful: resignation.

Sometimes the thought of paying for something good in my life is actually ruining that good thing, preventing me from enjoying it. I can’t stop thinking “This is too good to be true and it will never last”. But I also noticed that when something bad happens, soon enough good comes along. There’s some sort of a balance… if I can call it that.

I believe we get what we deserve. Then somebody said “Do we? Do you believe in Judgement Day? There are good people that don’t get anything their entire life and then they die.”

It made me think. I used to believe that you get what you deserve based on a simple fact: if you fight/ask/go for it. If we stick around and wait for things to be given to us than it will never happen. Go get it and if you deserve it, you will succeed. It’s about the nerve, the guts.

Waiting for your turn does not really apply in my opinion. People with initiative get things done. They cross their limits. My only throwback is that I believe in destiny, if it’s meant or not meant to be and I tried to fight it a few times (more than few actually) and I paid for my stubborness.

Now this is where I clash. There’s a contradiction right here, between “get it no matter what” and “it’s in the hands of destiny”. This is where my crossroad is and I am still in the middle of the intersection.

It’s busy in my head. I remember random things and I start analyzing them. A lot. I debate with myself on how it’s supposed to be and I create principles and ideas. I am flexible thoug, come with strong arguments and I’ll give it another thought. I believe in discussion and conversations, in words and meanings.

I can talk anytime. I can form an opinion even on something I don’t know much about, without being considered ignorant.

Back to the price… is not that we don’t deserve to be happy, but us, humans, in our nature, are self-distructive. We do things to ourselves and to others. We like pain and drama, we have this weird cravings for BDSM with life.

We lose our way sometimes, and some of us don’t find it back. I’m not sure yet if I got what I deserve. I look back though and for the bad times I got some pretty awesome ones in return. I know some great people who helped me along the way. And people are the key.

I did some bad things, not always intentionally and now it’s where I’m stuck again, because even though I felt like I got my karma dose, I am not really sure if the punishment matched the crime. I will defend myself, I will find excuses just like everybody else but I can’t stop asking myself from time to time if it was enough or if it’s yet to come. Here is where I shudder… if it’s yet to come. Because damn sure nobody’s ready.

But you just wait. This is how it works. And it will come.

No good deed left unpunished. Proverb

And this is for an antagonic end, as we all are.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Bye now!

Saturdays I bring my drafts to life

It will be a bit confusing.

I’m doing it not because I’m naive or unaware but because I don’t want to miss chances. I don’t want to look back and think “I should’ve said that” or “I should’ve done that”. No! I’m saying it if I feel like and I ask for it if I want it. If I don’t get what I asked for, at least I won’t regret I didn’t try. It’s easy. I speak for myself and it doesn’t matter if people think different. I am not supposed to live by their rules.

I don’t want to miss moments and I don’t want to miss opportunities. Maybe sometimes it’s not my best approach on things but it’s mine, it’s my way of doing things. Sometimes I thank myself for not keeping quiet and sometimes I go way too far. But again I am not supposed to sit and wait for something to come my way by doing nothing. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. It’s simple.

There are these boundaries set by society and by people themselves that are supposed to keep you on a leash but I’m not obliging. I speak, I laugh, I cry, I get angry and most important I take the damn burden off my chest whenever I can. Some might say I didn’t learn anything but again it depends on what I’m supposed to be learning.

“I would rather die of passion than boredom” – Van Gogh. Yeah, me too. I fear boredom and I always try to come up with new ways of keeping it away. My mind works on new tricks all the time on how to entertain my existence. I don’t need nobody to innovate for me, at this chapter I’m self-sufficient.

I am asking not because I don’t know the answer or I don’t have instincts, but because I know I might be surprised or I am hoping that I’ll be surprised, and one day that answer will change. Of course, I get disappointed sometimes but who the hell doesn’t. But I TRIED, this is my forever consolation and belief.

I try even when my instinct tells me not to because I am a non-believer, I am stubborn as hell and I need to see it with my own eyes. I chill after. I am satisfied as long as there is an answer, good or bad but there has to be an answer.

I don’t like simple things or categories, and even though sometimes I crave routine and normality, I easily get bored of it. I realized that I need to KNOW stuff, I want to SEE things, I want to experience the things I will never be able to experience later on.

On the other hand, I could’ve experienced everything (good or bad) next to somebody. I know that. But that somebody didn’t show up… until today. I guess I just had to experience it all alone so I could fully understand it. So I can get no comfort from anybody, especially for the bad ones. It would’ve been easier next to somebody, that’s why I had to be all alone, all the time.

Anyway, I tried. I’m the definition of optimism… somehow. The epiphany might change later on.

A beautiful mind…

Here I stand lazy on the couch, having my third glass of wine… Something bothers me… Lack of sleep (having a sleeping disorder since I know myself) or some hormonal devilish changes… I don’t know… I love dots… I am watching “A beautiful mind” and I ca barely write…

The same question “why this mood?”

Everybody knows me as a happy and positive girl and still I am lying here depressed on this living room couch, unwilling to do something to get me out of this mood. Where did I reached?

Is it age? Is it sorrow? Unfulfilled dreams? Everybody has them. Everybody has something they want to change. Thanks God to this editor, I can see my spelling mistakes…

I am lost these days. Lost as in “out of this planet” lost…

Another sip of wine and an invisible pressure bends my back. Mom… I often think about her… Don’t know why. Miss her…

My brother… at least he’s happy, accomplished…

What I’m missing though? I am strong as a bull and I never failed to get up. Never!

Thanks God I have a job, a car, a mind…

Maybe my mind works against me. I remember those days of school when my only problem was to get up in the morning.

I loved school, didn’t miss a day. Then slowly, slowly I made my way through life…

What a life and what I’ve seen… Won’t believe the things I’ve seen, far beyond your wildest dreams… A song or so…

Dots…

I often ask myself if I am a good person… What is the meaning of a good person?

I did all the mistakes I needed to do… Learned or not, is still to see…

Caught in a rational vs. irrational battle. Can’t find my peace…

My policy is to go with the flow… To forgive and to love unconditionally and then I turn against all of my principles…

My life… such a disorder and yet such a meaningful thing. The things I’ve seen, the people I’ve met, the things I learned…

Dots…

I want a pet, I want to dance, I want to sing…I want to trust… Myself…

So insecure despite all of my strengths, all of my… what?

We all need to go low to get high. To see the depths so we can be mesmerised by the heights… Flowing away…

The ink waters of the ocean, the blue sky, the yellow sand… Life is a beach, I leave next to it…

Lost in my own thoughts… wanting something that I can get up and do myself but still pinned on the sofa… Dog tired, Master… The Green Mile…

I am happy in my own way… with small little things, with ashes and with crumbs… a self-destructive force… we all bound to it…

Seeing a great future that ceases to come… far away… one has to follow his dreams and everything will be just fine…

Falling in love with the mind… with the brain… She believes in him so much… Still watching a beautiful mind… How she dedicates herself to him… Who will do this in our times… We reject what is different…

I need some time… alone… in a beautiful place… This city got me empty…

Tomorrow… I’ll be just fine… Night is a healer… just a good night sleep…

Good night…