That damn wisdom well!

It’s been a while! Lots of things happened. An eventful year, but when is it not with me? Lots of ups and downs. I felt more downs than ups, but then it depends on what you want to see.

One thing that sucks in WordPress- really guys very bad move- is that they removed the Facebook connection. Is not automatically posted on Facebook, you just have to share your post manually. Not a biggie, but makes a difference!

Anyway, ups and downs. Just like everybody else. I just had to forgive a lot of people, and I had to forgive myself a lot for being, as usual, naive.

I tell myself so many times that not everybody feels, thinks or understands things the way I do. And it’s ok. Less expectations, everybody will say. But is it true? No, guys, is not!

Deep inside we still want people to understand our actions, our minds, our intentions. Is not always the case. Unfortunately.

And that breaks us.

But we have a choice. To forgive, to let the grudges on the side and just move on. There’s no place for hate and resentment. Regret… no way! Just find that power inside you and let it go. You have to! For your own happiness, for your own wellbeing.

After all there’s nobody out there who gets you more than you do. You and your own self. Find the time to de-clutter your feelings. Vacuum that negativity away. What is it good for, anyway?

Be happy for no reason. Enjoy what’s given. Cliche, I know but it actually works. Busy your mind with things that make you happy. It takes some effort but it has long term benefits.

Not everybody understands your ways. Not even your questions. People misinterpret everything. Human nature. We just love to complicate things. I’m talking about myself too. I’m no exception!

Most of the times we are well-intentioned but it doesn’t always look like that. We’re difficult sometimes, we’re cranky, we’re weird even. Yes, we’ll be misunderstood, but, then again, that’s life. Just don’t let it ruin your sleep.

My sleep is already screwed. I really don’t need more reasons to fak it!

If you have reasons to be happy, just be! Don’t think too much! There are too many people out there who wake up to their worst nightmare. Be grateful for what you have. It’s true. You can’t have everything, but what is everything?

Forgiveness is the key. Don’t give anybody the satisfaction to see you stress about them. Hate is as strong as love sometimes. And both are extreme emotions. They affect you and the people around you. Both make people feel important, so be careful what you send out.

I went from one extreme to another in a very short time. I had a breakdown and I gave people the satisfaction of seeing me broken. I shouldn’t have, but to be honest it was such a liberating moment. But, that’s all it was, a moment. Probably it saved me from the mental institution, but it was not entirely worth it.

Anyway, after the release, the reality kicked in. And I had to rethink my strategy. And the only way I see it is forgiving myself  and others. Just forgive and forget. It’s nice to leave guilt aside. And, by the way, I’m not giving half of my feelings or myself to people. So I’m not blaming myself for not giving. Maybe I give too much. That seems to be the problem.

Maybe when you give too much people feel burdened. Maybe it’s a lesson. But what I truly believe is that someday, somebody will just see you as you are and how simple your intentions are and you’ll not have to play games or stop yourself from being UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU!

Just don’t give up. There are great people out there and life has so much too give. Just have a look around. Dance for God’s sake! Sing! Do you! Leave second thoughts for afterlife. You’ll have an eternity to go through all of it. In case you don’t reincarnate in a worm or something.

Peace! It’s all love and late night shenanigans!

Writing out loud

I think there are less and less original ideas and it’s very hard to be under the spotlight without anything groundbreaking. You can’t be mediocre. If you want to start something you must have a vision and that brief moment of genius.

The more time you allow to pass without doing it the harder it becomes. Just like everything else in life. You grow older and more complex. Your basic needs turn into intricate ones, you are not satisfied with little things, you are not satisfied with even a tridimensional view of things.

Your own self-perception changes and you aspire to be this great being doing even greater deeds and when you fail it resonates deep inside you. It’s hard to stand out in a world that fabricate ideas on a conveyor belt.

And then there’s this battle inside us that makes so frail. This antithesis of feelings and actions that makes us so eternally unsatisfied and changing. We criticize ourselves so badly that we just wish to give up right after we started. We put these insecurities and weaknesses first and then we just get discouraged.

Or maybe it’s just me. I’m so easily discouraged and I can’t really understand how I could go trough some really hard situations in my life and I jus can’t give myself a high-five for a job well done.

I spend my time searching for that start, for that moment where I am confident enough to start. And then all I get is delay. And time is passing, and time is a wizard. And that thought that you’ll have to go through an existence with accomplishing your purpose is not really friendly.

How do you know your purpose?

I ask myself quite often. What is there for me? And sometimes I let my imagination free. I follow my imagination like a spectator. And you know what I notice? Even my imagination has boundaries. Set by society, by myself, by my sins, by what they say it’s a sin. Am I religious? Not quite. I’m spiritual let’s say. I might have faith. Yet to discover.

I think I was born loud. Good lungs. Usually people who change the world have soft voices. Calm and calculated. Stern yet sunny and soothing. But there’s a lucky start-up on my skies. And that star saved me from so many troubles. That star guided me to me. That’s the star where my grandmother lives now.

Again, back to purpose. I always like these dreamy activities, loose and not too sharp. And in the same time I loved geometry and space and finding hidden diagonals. I always loved to write and I participated in numerous competitions. I just did one mistake, I didn’t let my imagination run free. That’s why now it’s distorted by all these factors.

I said to myself that I’m a realist because this is what life had showed me. That day dreaming is for those who can afford it and if you lose yourself too much in it you might as well lose everything around you. There’s only one good thing about it. When you’re down you have an escape. You have that vivid corner of your mind where everything seems possible and you actually start to believe that it can be a future projection.

But then you have to be original. And you look for inspiration. Obviously you don’t look for it inside you, at first. We are copy cats. We look around first. Small steps and we manage to what we think others are doing better than us. But we’ll always be copy cats and that’s not the scope.

where’s that spark though? Why everything seems so unworthy of seeing daylight? Why nothing is ever good enough?

Ok I’m very rhetorical in this post. But I’m just wondering, what am I actually good for. What’s that secret talent or gift or call it whatever you want. I mean I know a few things I can do but what’s my greatest one. Or maybe is nothing and I’m just meant to be mediocre.

Imagine if one day tables turn and I’ll read these words from the winners perspective and I’ll be a cocky little bastard looking back and saying “you know, I always had this feeling that I’ll make it…” And then, in my cockiness I’ll be content. But then you have to be cocky sometimes, too.

Humbleness just humbles you more. You need to have that dose of audacity that makes you jump when there’s nothing under your feet.

I mean what can be better than doing what you love, what you’re really good at?

Again, as I said it before I’m a person who believes in destiny. Let’s say I’ve been shown that there’s a certain way things happen and sometimes I have no control of it. Let’s just say that when I believed there’s no escape, there was and it made my mind expand. And my mind absorbed this idea of new solutions like a sponge. And if you ask me, everything is possible. Except chasing away that demon that pokes my head with crazy thoughts.

I said to myself, what’s the best way to write a book. Use your own life as a source of inspiration. I mean, there it is, you have the setting, the characters, the situations. Will it be interesting? Well usually people get pretty caught up in the course of events. Will it be a good idea? Hell no! You have to be ready to accept outside criticism wich is probably going to hurt your feelings even more than you thought. Then you’ll be so vulnerable and walk around like an open book. And I don’t mind that but let’s just say i learned from early ages that you can’t really get fully accepted. Another idea gone to waste I guess. I’ll just have to publish it post-mortem.

But then it’s so discouraging when you have to write pure fiction. I feel my mind doesn’t help me anymore. I am writing purely to practice now and I know it will end, I’ll stop for now and who knows when I’ll start again.

I need to persevere. My posts get longer and longer with time. I had an average of 600 words per post when I started writing and now I can easily go 1000 in 10 minutes. The more you try to find your kickstart the more discouraging it gets. I mean look at J K Rowling. How can you ever beat that. Ok, I’m not stopping there but any other writer sounds better than you’ll ever do.

Should I let somebody else read it?

Not yet.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

Thoughts of thoughts

I don’t know when you get your energy kicks, but mine is right now. I don’t sleep much. I can’t and when I can, it’s one of the best things I can get. I love sleeping and in the same time I’m not very succesful at it. Exactly like everything else in my life. What I really love, I can’t have. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? (Alanis Morisette loop).

Anyway, me and my energy kick are doing fine for now. I didn’t write on the blog for quite a while because I had too many things on my mind, and honestly I didn’t know where or when to start. So I waited to settle down a little bit.

What goes through my mind? Oh, tons of things an ideas. Tons of projects and dreams and I can’t seem to reach where I want to. It’s not that I’m stuck on the negative aspects in my life. It’s not my way. I can’t find hope in the darkest moments. Don’t worry about my hoping skills.

I always thought of myself a person of no ambition. By nature, I am a person that loves comfort and stability. I like to have my own habits and privacy and I’m visibly bothered when I’m distracted and invaded. I like to grow, but I also like to enjoy my habits. I like to be challenged, it gives me a push but I still don’t consider myself ambitious. Ambition, in my opinion, means to reach a self-set target, by any means. Even if they don’t match your capacities/requirements/personality. It’s very impressive, when you can pass anything that comes your way.

Me, I like to prove that I can do things. But these things have to excite me. Most of the times I do things because I don’t like to let people down. I am always afraid that I will disappoint people’s expectations. But this can’t last for long with me. Redundancy is something that I can’t take for long. I need to know more or to be honest I like to know everything regarding what I do. I don’t like limitations. I always want to be in control even though I don’t want to be in charge. If that makes any sense.

Many times I seek satisfaction in what I do, because I don’t have much satisfaction in other aspects of my life. And I don’t mean material satisfaction, even though that’s a key factor too. I seek personal satisfaction and I like a job well done. I like to look at what I’ve done, and say to myself “Well, Gabz, you outdid yourself!” Yeah, cocky.

Sometimes I’m good at what I do, sometimes I’m very good and sometimes I’m careless. When I’m careless it means I don’t know much about what I’m doing or it just doesn’t spark in me… what is supposed to spark. I try to learn everything and to manage everything and yet sometimes I fail. I hate to think I’m not good at something. I’m one of those people who take failure personally. Too bad. This didn’t help me much.

I believe ambition comes with motivation. It can be your self-implemented goal that can trigger that motivation or it can be an outside source. Usually when people motivate themselves is because they want to achieve a material target or a career/position goal. I desire none. That’s why personally, I prefer the outside motivation. When other people grow you. But I’m also aware that you can’t be praised when you don’t do much.

You will say that everybody has material targets and I’ll strongly agree with you. But I don’t think amounts or goods… almost never. If y ou ask what’s my goal, is to be able to cover all my expenses and in the same time to be able to enjoy life in a good way. If you think that’s not a goal, it’s ok. I would like, for example, to be able to travel whenever I want to, be it for a weekend only. Just to be able to book and flight and be gone without thinking too much.

If you think that building an empire it’s a real goal, then I’ll agree with you too. Only that building an empire consumes a different kind of currency. Time. And it’s your time. You’re the only one who pays. And it involves possible failure, something that I can’t take well. It involves responsibilities, and I hate to be responsible for others.

Many times I sit and think about these things and in the world we live, I seem naive. Maybe I am. I still believe that goals can mean a beautiful family, time for yourself and all that. To be honest if you look at the world nowadays these are rare. I think the goals game might change.

Anyway, these are things that bother me from time to time. I often find myself loyal to the bigger picture but bitter to my daily routine. And I don’t know how to describe this feeling exactly and I hate myself sometimes that I can’t be a mercenary.

And all these thoughts and feels make me think of what I really want and this is where my dilemma starts. I find myself in the position of a 7 years old who’s being asked what he wants to be when he grows up. I am still tempted to say “ballerina”.

If only everything will be that easy. If only we’d know what to do or what we want. If only we wouldn’t find ourselves lost from time to time, in thoughts and promises of better opportunities. If only…

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans! Peace!

Memento doar

Suntem găunoşi pe dinăuntru si nu de răutate. De durere. Că sapă. Sapă.

Si pe urma vin ăia cărora nu prea le e cunoscut sentimentul si zic “păi bine bă, ce înseamnă asta?” Păi ce să însemne? Dacă tu habar nu ai, vezi-ți de fericirea ta. Dacă nu poți să ințelegi că sunt lucruri care totuşi se intamplă altora fără vina lor, atunci stai in bula ta de fericire si lasa-i p-ăştia cu trauma să se vaite. Ca na, aşa se vede de din afară, că se vaită.

Sunt lucruri care se întâmplă, uneori înainte chiar să fi apucat să ne pierdem inocența. Aşa, abia iesiți din carapace, pac! Ne loveşte ceva atât de tare că ne schimbă viața iar lumea din jur nu stie decât sa zica “lasa bă că nu e dracu’ atât de negru!”

Da io te-ntreb “bă, da’ daca e?”

Cateodată parcă te loveşte păcatul original. Păcatul strămoşilor. Ai acolo 11 ani si na, trebuie să fii tu iedul ispăşitor.

Scriu chestia asta pentru că vad oameni care chiar nu au capacitatea de a se vizualiza câtuşi de puțin situația cuiva. Câtuşi de puțin. Chiar atât de stramtă si rigidă sa fie mintea unor oameni? Să se uite la cineva si să vadă prin el? Chiar nu există simțul ăsta de a ințelege. De a simpatiza. De a-ți tine gura măcar?

Mă uit la unii care zic “dar cum poate cutărescu sa fie asa? Eu nu sunt asta! N-am mai vazut aşa ceva!” Atunci baga capul inapoi in nisip dacă acest “cutărescu” nu e criminal, pedofil sau Firea. Lăsând zeflemeaua, încearcă să strici nițel acolo in matrix si să ințelegi că se poate, că nu toată lumea e la fel, ca nu toți reacționăm/gândim/suntem la fel. Mi se pare aşa, o involuție, ca in ziua de astăzi, să te comporți ca un neştiutor sau un atotştiutor, după caz. Să ştii tu ce simt sau nu pot simți alții, ce gândesc, ce nu gândesc sau cum acționează.

Porcării, mon cher. Dacă nu putem să vedem un pic mai in profunzime, atunci ce putem? Superficiali putem fi toți, că e usor, de actualitate şi degeaba. Hai să investim puțin, hai să vedem şi dincolo de zâmbetele astea blegi de pe fața noastră. Hai să mai intrebăm şi noi din când in când “Bă, eşti şi tu fericit? Ai şi tu câteva motive bune să te trezeşti dimineața? Unul măcar?”. Ceva de genul. Hai să nu ne mai lăudăm că suntem de fier si nu discutăm sentimentalisme d-astea “dă femei”. Mama lor de femei, că mereu strică.

Ne inecăm, ne sinucidem (cum de curând Kate Spade şi Anthony Bourdain) şi nimeni nu ştie ce e cu noi şi ce ne-a împins la o asemenea faptă. Iți trebuie curaj sa iți iei tu viața. Să stai acolo in momentul ăla si să mergi mai departe. Atât de tare sa iți doreşti să scapi de chin. Atât de tare te doare, te bântuie, atât de mult iți doreşti să scapi. Numai gandeşte-te că tu in sinea ta nu vezi o altă soluție. Că ai ajuns la capătul tuturor puterilor si deşi ai luptat o viață întreagă, ajungi acolo, in momentul ăla, în care laşi tot hăul din tine să se caşte.

Şi ai de toate. Sau aşa pare din afară. Că uite aşa pare din afară. Dar tu în tine, în fortareața ta esti părăsit, eşti rupt şi putrezit. Viu dar fără viață. Imaginează-ți că deşi ți se rupe sufletul când te gandeşti la familie şi prieteni, când te gandeşti la copii şi la o viață întreagă construită din puțin, ai totuşi tăria să opreşti firul vieții. Unii zic că e laşitate. Că nu stai să înduri mai departe ce ți-e dat. Eu nu zic nimic. Eu nu mă gândesc decât la cât de puternic trebuie să fie veninul ăla ce ți-a intrat în sistem. Pe zi ce trece să te intunece mai tare.

Si voi aştia care nu intelegeți depresia si ce efecte are ea, macar nu comentați. Scuipați in sân şi valea mai departe.

Ştiu că e cam macabru subiectul, dar cred că sunt gânduri care la un moment dat trec prin mintea noastră. Sau nu. Poate mă preocup eu aşa.

Oricum, scriu asta intr-un avion cu 20 de pasageri, am ceva timp la dispoziție, scaunele de langa mine libere şi cumva subiectul ăsta mi-a trecut prin cap… ca un glonț.

Everything random

I think I came a long way. I think I also lost a lot of things along the way.

I am a bit hot-headed. I rush into things, I don’t really calculate anything and I can’t say I really learn from my mistakes, but I managed to tame myself in time. Small progress is a progress too. I think I’m really bad at quotes also.

But that’s the beauty of any of us. The small things that define us, that give us personality. Th mix of all our traits. I’m also never happy with, mostly, everything I do. Rarely I’m satisfied 100% with something I do, and sometimes when I’m happy with what I do turns out is shit for others :))) but then again it’s a matter of perspective.

To be honest if it was for me I will never publish anything I write here. I rarely correct what I write and when I do, I change half of what I initially wrote. If it was for me nothing it’s good enough, but strangely, when I read what I’m writing I feel it’s not that bad. I think I need time to process my actions.

I also hate that people can never understand what’s really happening with you. People don’t cut you any slack. It’s like we are judging machines, we don’t know how to give anybody a slice of understanding. I try to put myself in somebody’s shoes, and rarely I’ll go full on criticizing somebody.

What I hate the most is jealousy. It’s the worst when it comes to anything. It’s a waste of time and energy. It’s pure negativity. It’s worse when it comes from close people. From mature people.

I also hate when people act ridiculous, when they mock and mimic like children in kindergarden. I mean you’re a grown up, you must’ve learned by now that you can’t be childishly mean. It doesn’t suit you anymore. You have a life now, you’re a grown up, you have family, you’re reaching a certain level and still you’re bothered with other people’s life. Not to mention that, mostly, the people who are pointing a finger are the ones with a lot of sins of their own.

I mean, why you’re bothered so much. Is life that boring at a certain stage? Highschool was fine, we were excited by the least important gossip, and even back then we would’t believe what was rumored, it was just fun. Now it’s just mean and silly. No, this can’t be a vision of the future.

What I also hate is that people will never understand what’s really going on between two people. They see a picture from the outside and they alter it as they like. Why? What’s your satisfaction in this. You feel less bored? You consider this a topic worth discussing? Sad, sad, sad. Mind your own business, simple as that.

I also don’t understand how people throw to the wolves the people who really give a shit about them. I mean, fuck it, you throw some shade on the people who really cared about your sorry ass. You turn the attention from your incapable self to your friends, putting them in a very bad light as an amusement. For what? To heal your self-esteem? To pretend that other people are bad when you are the one to blame for everything.

You see, karma is around the corner, and nobody escapes. It’s a step away. The weird thing is that people are into BDSM, and they always want more punishment. As you like.

I watched 6 movies in the last 24 hours. One must rightly assume that I’m bored. Haha I am. I am also drained sometimes. I am tired. I always try to give my best but sometimes I fail. Big time. Big time man!

I came a long way and I need to thank some people for making me stronger. For making me see the difference between a small thing and how much I should invest in it, and what’s really important. There are people who are telling you the truth and they also tell you to look in the mirror and see a lion. That’s damn right! Dont’t visualise a sheep, but a lion.

Strong people have their weaknesses but they try to make others feel that everything is under control. And it is, if you look at it without fear.

Anyway, I’m so random today. It’s like a small summary of brain and heart and a small corner of universe.

Am I happy? No matter what, I am. With my flaws, with the things I miss in my life, with the things i wish for and I don’t get, with everything. Am I mean? Rarely. I am more of a preacher. But then again, we have a saying “do what the priest says, not what he does”. I went bonkers with my quotes again :)))))

It’s all love and Friday evening writing shenanigans. Peace!

You heard what from who?

Don’t chicken out on anything. If you want to do it, because you want to do it, then do it. God I wish I could explain people that this is my only religion. Freedom of speech, of self, of soul.

I hate it so much when I find myself analyzing what I’m doing just because it doesn’t follow the norm. The hell with your norms, with your life rules and regulations. You live by them, if you think they’re so great! Don’t shove it down people’s throaths. Live by them and let others live by theirs.

Your freedom ends when you interfere with other people’s freedom. Simple as that. But how many nauseating judgemental looks you see nowdays? This is the most disgusting thing to me. Snakes looking. Venom spitting. And you continue doing what you do best, being your own damn glorious self and then they start hissing.

God, it’s Dante’s Inferno. And even family, friends or close people, you know, they’ll start some wierd behaviour when they feel you are too… yourself, or you are doing something they never had the courage to do. It’s like they want to bring you back to an invisible (or too obvious) sheep herd.

I have a very simple solution. Why don’t you guys worry about what’s in your backyards and let me worry about what’s in mine. I don’t know how exactly the saying goes, but i’ll adapt. I can do whatever I like.

And I hear close friends saying “oh you don’t know what people say about you” and my only thought is “Why do they feel comfortable to say it around you” or “why don’t you shut them up if you love me so much” or “why don’t you all go to hell if you want me to put it this way”. Anyway, just a few examples of what’s going through my mind. Why you splash me with words of glorious friendship if you let other people swipe the floor with me.

And then there are those people: “oh, she likes that guy” / “oh she’s loyal to the wrong people” / “oh she’s clubbing too much” / “oh she spends too much” / “oh the dress too short” / “oh she has too much fun” / “oh oh oh”. First of all stop ventilating, fans. Second, why don’t you mind your petty lives. Just for one second stop looking at other people’s lives and focus on your boring ones. I’m living the way I want to, I love who and the way I want to and I am loyal to the people I want to. None of your goddamn business.

Am I writing this because it bothers me? Not because it bothers me, it disgusts me, it’s like when you drink too much and it’s better to vomit. I vomit here whatever you blabbed and turned my stomach upside down.

I hate living with the thought that I am not following I don’t know what human code I’m not aware of. Just avoid me when it comes to life guidelines. I have my own. As long as I am happy I’ll not change them. And stop being accountants or supervisors in people’s lives. We are all different, with different needs and expectations. And mines are just mine.

Anyway, I’ll stop before I become petty. I leave this to others.

I am writing this because it happened recently to have some second thoughts on some things, and it made me realize that some of this bullshit actually reached to me and it made my heart and my mind wonder. It made me feel that I have to consider if what I do will cause gossip or not. And that is sad because it didn’t bother me that much before.

But again, my choices are my choices and even though I like my stuff private, some people made it a very open subject and now there’s an elephant in the room. Motherefffffer!

Anyway now that I feel better, thank you all looking for some excitement here, for being so curious about my whereabouts and roundabouts and mind your own damn business, please. But by any means, pass by, and bring some traffic to my page.

I don’t bother with these hoes, don’t let these hoes bother me!

P.S. articolul asta vizeaza strictnisteoamenicucarelucrez, dar ei nu stiu asta si sper sa nu se apuce sa traduca.

It’s always love and late night writing shenanigans!

Some Christmas melancholy

I wake up and the snow reaches the window sill. All is white around the house… everywhere. I look outside and all I want is to go and play in the snow. The house is so warm. There is some food cooking in the stove. Smells so good. I must have breakfast before I go out and play.

See, there’s a tradition in our house. We all eat together. Nobody starts until we are all seated. I know, sounds uncanny. But it’s actually beautiful, it’s so personal. We are too busy nowdays. Everybody on its own.

I have my breakfast and I put on my jacket, my scarf, my woolen hat, my stockings and a pair of woolen pants. Ah and boots. Waterproof boots. I can barely move now and you can only see my eyes and nose. I can see myself so clearly now and it’s so funny. These memories are so precious.

And… I’m out in this snow paradise. You can’t see anything but snow. It covered everything over night. You can see here and there cat traces and their paws leaving prints in the snow. I bet it wasn’t something they want. Chicken are also inside, they didn’t go out yet. It’s not cold. Yet… Some nights will be so cold that everything will freeze and you’ll wake up to mirror like ice everywhere.

I room around, playing, imagining adventures and quests. It’s beautiful, it’s what every child is waiting for in the winter.

After a few days Christmas will be here. Oh, the Christmas tree, mom is coming, my uncle is coming, presents, cookies, that divine smell of Christmas specialities. I can’t wait. We usually buy a green tree and I decorate it. We add the lights and cotton at the end and boom! Christmas is here! Right here on the hallway of our house. Santa can come now. It’s freezing but I can’t take my eyes of the Christmas tree.

My mom is here. She and grandma are starting to prepare the food. My uncle will join later on and we’ll fight in the snow. More likely he’ll throw me in the snow. It’s always so good to have them all at home. My happiness has no limits. I remember waiting for them and listening to them so attentive when we are all at the table. Mmm… I smell something sweet. See, my grandma rarely bakes sweets, except pies and now it’s the time to have these awesome Christmas cookies.

Maybe that’s why Christmas was so special. We were keeping its traditions untouched and its charm, its uniqueness. We have dishes that we only eat on christmas. Of course, more than that, the entire family comes together.

I’ll spend Christmas Eve with my brother and we’ll go from house to house singing and people will give us sweets, nuts or fruits. Traditions that may seem ridiculous now but were so joyfull back then. The best part was that we get to watch movies till late and spend time together until 4 or 5 am when our grandparents will get us ready to go out and sing. We will snow fight of course, we will meet other children and we’ll come home with our bags full of goodies. Oh man the joy of those moments.

I used to be so naughty and search for the presents before Christmas. Most of the times I was lucky and found them and I had to act surprised on Christmas morning. Until they learned my ways and mom and grandma started to step up their game of hiding the presents.

We used to be so stuffed on Christmas day. Delicious food. And then we’ll just sit around the TV and watch Christmas movies. Real Christmas. Entire house smelled like Christmas, that smell that will never leave you.

I don’t know how many kids nowdays get to feel this Christmas spirit. Maybe back then I didn’t realize how much it meant, but I definitely do now, when my Christmas is so much different.

But I believe one thing. It’s about the spirit, it’s about being together. That’s the most important. Maybe I don’t bother that much but one day my family will see how I like to celebrate Christmas.

I just wrote this so fast with so many vivid memories passing through my mind.

Merry Christmas Everyone! Let it be love and peace!

It’s all love and Christmas shenanigans. Peace!

Read the footnotes

“The things she’s seen. The places she’s been. The people she’s met. She’s filthy rich. There’s nothing material you can give that will satisfy her more than moments. Give her joy and give her your time and she’ll never want anything else. She’s what you see, she’s just like that. Existing without any tricks. Ah there’s one trick. She has too much to give.

She likes long rides and black coffee. She likes unplanned things and late nights. She likes to talk and dance. She is warm and brave. She’s a brave girl and she learns fast. She learns from everything and everybody. She loves her time alone but she never refuses good company. If she makes mistakes she’s sorry. If she goes too far she’ll drag you with her.

She has a vicious side, it’s true but she turns it into something natural. She’ll tell you to go for it if you want it. That’s her answer to everything.

What does she want? Haha, many things but she settles for whatever you like.

She can piss you of with her presence sometimes, or with exuberant good mood. But her heart is in the right place. She can be a pain in the ass but you’ll get used to it.

She likes to lay and do nothing for a long time and sometimes she finds no peace in anything. She’s moody but everything turns into a good vibe most of the times. Some people try to make her strong and even though she is grateful to those people, she’s not afraid of her soft side. She’ll show you, even if you don’t ask for it. Stubborn as fuck sometimes and she’ll go under your skin to get things done. Sneaky sometimes, but always with good humor.

She’s loyal to people and if you’ve ever been good to her she’ll never turn against you. Even if you hurt her. She’ll defend what she cares about. She’ll always find good in everything. She looks up to some people. Especially people who showed her a different dimension of things. Mentors, stronger personalities or just different characters. She’ll always be fond of these people.

She’s silly sometimes and makes stupid mistakes and even though she’s ashamed to admit them, give her some time. She’ll come back and she’ll joke about them because she doesn’t want to take mistakes seriously.

Always give her time to come to her senses. She can understand everything. She has an excuse for everybody, not only for herself. She walks straight and laughs loud, she exaggerates and she burns but this is who she is. And if you don’t want to change don’t try to change her either.

She’s an asset when she’s motivated and she hates routine. She want to get involved and to have a word to say, but she’ll obey if required. She can be disciplined. She needs to be disciplined sometimes (ambiguous).

She is the life of the party and in the middle of things. It might be tiring sometimes. But sometimes she’s lazy as fuck. She can easily fall into a comfort zone. You need to be somebody very special to get her out of her bed after a long day when all she wants is to rest.

She gets excited easily but she’ll forget about it fast if it’s not something that she really wants. She can put a lot of effort for the greater good but she needs recognition. She has after all an ego and a fetish for herself. Just like everybody else. (Yes she can twist it up just like that).

Everything depends on either she wants it or not. You’ll see the difference in the results. You’ll know when she’s motivated and when she did it because she had to. If she did you wrong she’ll fix it, she’ll try at least. Give her the chance, she never meant it in the first place.

She’ll forgive everything and you’ll hear the weirdest excuses for people who don’t even deserve a glass of water. But she’ll not defend somebody who’s mean on purpose, or at least without a reason.

She’ll fill people’s heads with romance and bullshit and she’s this silly believer that the world is not on the verge of destruction. At least, not while she’s alive.

She came a long way and she has a long way to go. You’re not the only one who thinks there’s a greater purpose for their existence. When she wishes and when she hopes for others she does it with all her heart. If only she could do this for herself.

She’ll give you a fair battle because she knows there are no shortcuts or cheats. Even though patience is not her strongest asset. But at least you can shake hands with her at the end. It was a good game, no doubt about it. It will be remembered. She will be remembered.

Give her the benefit of doubt as she gives it to others. She deserves it.

She will never really give up, so don’t push her to do it. Some people know she’ll never be herself again around them if they pull the wrong string. Not that she’ll not forgive. She will. But it will never be the same again because she can’t pretend.

Give her herself and that’s all you need. Ah! and food.”

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

Custom-made defence mechanism

We all create them, consciously or not. We need them because life is full of terrors. We need a self-defence mechanism… to protect us from ourselves. Otherwise our thoughts will drown us, will suffocate us, will eat us alive like a gangrene.

When in despair, some people find comfort in sleep, because they actually stop participating in real life while others push themselves with physical activities building more strenght, both mental and pshysical. Some people drink until they don’t know what happened to them and some just fall into the darkest depression, walking around comatose, just to come back to life with no memories.

I used to worry a lot. A lot more than now. I used to get so stressed about things and even spend my nights crying in vain, without knowing or realizing how bright next day will be. Because there is always a way out. This is what I didn’t realize back then. That the solution to all my troubles is not far and being negative doesn not help me or my situation. At all.

In time I developed my defence mechanism. You’ll laugh but I clean when I’m stressed. I start cleaning every single corner of the house and I will turn every single thing upside down. It’s an OCD cleaning. I’ll arrange every single thing in perfect order and I will not miss a single spot.

While I’m cleaning, my mind is debating. On and on and on. If I’ll just sit in one place, maybe my head will explode. Like this, at least my body is doing something else without being paralized by the power of my mind.

I keep on cleaning and I keep on thinking about things that happened, that will happen, that will never happen and so on. I will reach to every single detail and I will twist every single side of the story. My mind will work so hard that I’ll produce electricity. And while my hands are at work my mind works even harder but then, all of a suden, I have to stop and think “How do I arrange the jars back in the cupboard? Where did this nice cup came from, I almost forgot about it! That wall needs a painting or at least a poster. The clothes need a different arrangement on the rack.”

Slowly I will get lost in these deatils and the clouds of my grey matter will disolve. Peace will be restored by coming back to basics. The electrical storm is finally cooling down and I can relax. And I relax. Maybe by the time I  finish you’ll find me dancing or mumbling song fragments. I will anihilate my own mind for a while. This destructive fluffy beast. And my house will be clean, most of the times.

Sometimes I’m the opposite, I make a mess, I ruin what I build and I think that this is my mind’s way of saying “I’m still in control, don’t fool yourself”. Because at time we are supposed to break down, just to stand up and move on. Fierce. Brave. 100 times more.

I’m not cleaning that much nowadays, or maybe not with the same OCD drive. I don’t need it that much anymore, because now I discovered the meaning of “Everything has a solution” and I transformed it into religion. Yes, religion. Belief.

No matter what will happen today, the solution is just around the corner and it never failed me. Even if the solution is temporary, it’s still a… solution. I always see the bright side when everything turns dark and in time I became imune to tragedies. I just say to myself and to everybody “It will all be fine”. Even when it’s not. And when is not I move on. We all move on. We have no limits, this is what we don’t acknowledge.

This doesn’t mean I don’t feel or that I am im,passive to everything around me, I am just reducing the stress factor. It doesn’t mean I’m the happiest. By far. I still worry but in a controlled manner. I worry wisely if that makes any sense. I suffer but I do it in silence if I don’t get the chance to express myself. And if I do get the chance to take it all out, then it’s gone.

This is another thing I do. I speak whatever is on my mind and heart. Mosttly I speak my heart than my mind. My mind is not that fun, but my heart, oh! that’s a fun ride. But I don’t want to burden it, so I just take everything out. I clean inside my atrium and then I move to the ventricle. I make sure the air is breathable again, because these two chambers are filled with dust sometimes. Don’t let the dust settle, it will be hard to clean it after. I open the windows and I let the airflow dust away. I open my mouth and the draft does the job.

I keep it young, I keep it pure and I don’t let old demons inside. Ok, maybe I kept a few but I turned them into allies. I keep them as precious paintings on the walls. And you know why? Because one day these two rooms of my heart will be inhabited by somebody who will fill the space. And it will be space, because I don’t hoard. It will be a brand new five star hotel, on an old plot, but it will give the best services. This heart is as good as new because it never ceases to give love. It never measures what it gives, it just gives. It’s still wild and it’s still raw and there’s nobody on earth to command it, not even me.

I just make sure it has everything it needs.

Ok, enough with my speech. Time for the quote.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

It’s all love and late night (not that late today) writing shenanigans. Bye now!