Chidi-ching-ching

I realized I’m not a very ambitious person. It didn’t take me long. I know this for a while because I feel the lack of it. Easy as it sounds.

I have no hunger for money even though I like nice things. Now that’s where the tricky part is. I do like comfort but I don’t like money in particular. I kinda hate it because it fuckin makes the world go round. I hate it because it causes poverty and war. I hate it because a bunch of hungry, selfish monsters rule the world. I hate it because it changes people. I hate it because it makes people discriminate other people. I hate it because it doesn’t buy things that are more important than material possessions.

My goal until now, was not to make money. My goal so far, was to enjoy my life. And you know what? I fuckin did mate. I have so many splendid memories and you know what? They’re fuckin free. Priceless. We should trade memories on the stock market because a lot of rich people don’t have them and they’ll pay good money for them.

And again, I just fell into the trap of selling. I just said we should trade memories which involves selling and buying and here I am in the money territory because they do fuckin make the world go round.

I don’t want to admit this. Buuuuut we can’t live without it after all. But we can choose what kind of life we want to live. Some things are meant to be done at a certain age. You all know what I’m talking about. Life is meant to be lived in some ways some times. Not always, but I’m just talking about the impact of some experiences. The intensity of them. You can’t do drugs at 70, makes no sense. OK bad example hahahaha it was just trying to make you get the point.

Moving on.

So, I was saying I am not an ambitious person. I love life and I love traveling and thank God I’ve been blessed and I’ve seen soooo many places. I left Romania when I was 21 and I never looked back. I didn’t make money anywhere else I lived and worked. Not in the UK, not in Greece and goddammit not in Dubai. I can file for bankruptcy anytime now. Ahahaha I’m watching too many Wall Street related documentaries recently.

I made money to live. I borrowed money and so on. I bought a car and I moved alone. These are my biggest accomplishments. Oh and of course visiting almost 20 countries. 1 more and I’m there. Oh God this the thing I like to do the most. Except packing and unpacking. Yuck! Sucks balls!

Oh I also don’t like branded stuff. Thank God, otherwise I would be very skinny. (I won’t eat in order to buy Louboutins. But I have a feeling I won’t give up on food for Louboutins). Ahahahah please this is a pamphlet, treat it accordingly

Anyway yeah I didn’t have grand financial accomplishments and my family thinks I’m a failiure mostly. You know, I can’t even keep a man and I’m not making good money on top of that. I also wasn’t able to catch a sheik in my net.

Again, family, take it easy! I was only talking about granpa. Gee I’m on a roll. A sushi roll.

Again going back. Damn you ADHD! Mixed with a bit of Tourette.

Going back Gabi, you can do it. Focus!

Do you guys read this with a funny voice inside your heads? This is how it’s supposed to be done. And role playing.

So yeah, I was just thinking that yeah I lived my life, I have great memories, bla bla, I am not such a bad person so maybe it’s time to, you know, swim a bit with the sharks, take a few risks.

And definitely I want to travel more so I need more money. And living along is expensive too, and having a car is expensive and breathing is expensive as well in Dubai. But worth it if you ask me.

Anyway, just wanted to share this. And I’m ending abruptly because I actually forgot my train of thoughts.

It’s all love and evening shenanigans. Peace!

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Victory in a trap

I get it man! I get it! I always get what I what with one condition. I can’t keep it! That’s the damn thing about this wicked life I call my own. It doesn’t make any sense, I know, but it does for me.

You see, I sometimes made it happen, I push for it or I get it just like that, out of thin air when I least expected it. But I always get what I want. When I don’t want it that badly, it always stays. When I want it the most, it never does. When I want it the most, it hurts me.

Then what’s there for me? I mean if I can’t have it because I want it, then what’s the solution. What can I have?

I don’t know about what I deserve, I’m not fooling myself that I deserve the best. I have my demons, made my mistakes. Made some terrible ones. I don’t even seek for forgiveness. This is how much I started to assume them. I just want things to be easy. Ok easiER. No that’s not the word, I don’t even believe in easy. Nothing in easy. Maybe you get lucky but it’s never easy. It’s always so goddamn nerve-wrecking. Anyway I don’t want it easier, I want it transparent.

It’s ridiculous how much we lack responsibility and honesty in our bones. I have a very short temper and I’m just like that, a bull in the middle of the arena or on the green fields. Doesn’t matter wich, I’m just a bull. Thick legs, always on the ground, freaking big horns, and ready for anything. I know there’s the sky above me and the ground beneath my feet. I know what I am and I do it my way. I can always become infatuated over a small thing but it’s ok. I think I somehow manged to control it over time. And I think the charm is lost.

I mean I love spontaneity because it’s so entertaining. It works for me. And it brought a lot of great things my way.

Leaving analogies behind, is not that I’m a very transparent person myself, but I’m true to myself at least. I don’t facbricate another person when I look in the mirror, I don’t fabricate it outside neither. I mean what’s the worst that can happen. You’ll never be able to please everybody. And who ever does that? No-freakin’-body.

And I always get the opposite. Anyway, the irony.

I always end up in a rant, with my feelings, the world, the universe. Each and every single one of us it’s an universe by default. If you could only disect a person to see the ideas, the feelings, the emotions. The colours…

Drafts from when I finally conquered you B.

P. S. Did you notice how much ADHD is in this text?

It’s not all love today, but the usual evening writing shenanigans. Peace!

The doers, not the sharers

Sorry but I can’t take it anymore. All this thing of sharing tragic videos of whatever animals, whatever motivational speakers, one sadder than the other just makes me lose it. You can think whatever you want of me but I’ll be damned if I’ll share any video that says cows don’t give milk without giving birth, chickens are victims for laying egss, let’s be vegetarian because you have to cut your own pig and because we are cavemen. Honestly we were doing just fine as cavemen. And there’s a freakin cycle in this world, isn’t it. Yeah tell me about elephants being extinct because fuckers want to sell ivory, tell me about the white rhinoceros, the white tigers and lions and the whales but come on, pigs and chicken and cows. Is not that I’m fuckin insensitive but it’s becoming such a soap opera.

We just need reasons to cry and feel pity. OK the world is going to hell, we can all see that. We are brainwashed, lied to and abused every single damn day and yet we add more to it.

You know who wins at this and who does it right? Those people who are actually doing things and not posting things. The winners are those people who planted millions of trees and restored the habitat in South America. Or those people who took care of pandas and breeded them until they’re not extinct anymore. Or Leonardo di Caprio for trying to clean the planet. The winners are those who DO.

The fuck you’re doing behind a screen thinking of yourself to be so righteous and a savior of this planet. Go clean the streets with the laborers and then we talk. Oh that’s degrading work for you isn’t it? You prefer to post videos from your super expensive phone / tablet / laptop.

Call me whatever man but a lot of things will be solved if all of us will just participate to this massive campaign of saving the planet and not only talking about it.

Don’t you think it will be more efficient to go on a recycling campaign every weekend than to go on social media.

Oh so the video reached 2 million people? Oh how many crying reactions to this! Oh the turtles are covered in plastic. But you know that you can go save them, right? And out of these 2 million people who actually gives a crap? Tell me! How many stop buying plastic bottles or get all their groceries without plastic bags. How many of them stop throwing their chewing gum or cigarette butts on the street. How many?

Oh so you did your part to saving the world by sharing a tearful video just to go back and do your usual shit.

And you know what bothers me the most. It’s the tragedy. Oh God the scenarios they come with. The commercials. Christ it’s doomsday and we are all murderers!

We can be educated through positive facts also. We can be educated by not being blamed.

I eat meat and I fuckin love it man. I’m not going to be hypocritical about it not a single damn moment. I love it, I wanna eat it everyday. I will not turn vegetarian because somebody is forcing me. First it has to be your own choice. If it’s a matter of religion or any belief you are into then I respect that to the max. But if you tell that I should be a vegetarian because it’s a trend and because I don’t know who says that, then I’m out.

And you can judge me. I honestly don’t give a damn. The power of positivity is way bigger and can actually make a change. Let’s get out there and change. We are fuckin 7 billion people. We can clean this place like it was never dirty.

And no, I’m not an example, I don’t do it but I also don’t try to make people cry at the sight of some super sad video.

I would love to help but I’m also a part of this millennial laziness and shitty lifestyle.

It’s a bit harsh I know and probably sounds absolutely cruel but I strongly believe that sharing dramatic social media content (that’s what it is after all, and it makes good money for some people by going viral) won’t magicly solve world’s issues. Honestly. Awareness can be brought in so many different ways.

And let me ask you, all these fancy commercial for these campaigns cost shit loads of money. Won’t this money help a cause better that going to the actors pockets? Just saying.

I was reading somewhere that one of Michael Jackson’s charity concerts raised so much money that could take Africa out of misery and yet see Africa today. Who freakin took those money? And all the charities ever made for Africa could have made it the richest continent and yet, look at Africa!

Let’s not just cry about it online. Let’s not just point fingers at those who eat meat or whatever petty millennial crime. Let’s DO something about it. I’m instigating to cleaning revolutions and rescue missions and going to the extreme.

But it’s more comfortable at home, I know, and balls are bigger online. I totally agree. Just don’t be hypocritical about it. Yeah we all got the planet in this state. Some more than others. I didn’t litter the planet by eating meat tho. And also it didn’t change the climate. Other factors did.

I’m ranting again. I’m not aiming at anybody in particular and I’m not going to answer any comments. This is just how I feel about it and I’m not gonna change it because it doesn’t tickle everybody’s ears.

It’s all rants sometimes and evening shenanigans! Peace!

Guess who’s back

I don’t do much lately. I barely write, even though I put together a collection of 50 poems that I like to call “my first book”. I am waiting to find that desire to publish it. It’s mediocre but in the same time, not that bad.

But it’s latent lately (see what I did here). I just don’t find that joy in the things I once liked. I just go home, eat, scroll through my phone or watch movies and then fall asleep. Earlier, day by day.

I got too comfortable living alone. So comfortable that I don’t really care anymore. And I can’t stop thinking, more and more, that I will never be able to accept somebody in my space. I see it as such a big intrusion.

I tried, you know. I tried to understand also. Some people are probably not meant to be with somebody, and it’s nothing wrong with that, despite what society or family thinks. I’ll not be with somebody just to be with somebody and be utterly unhappy. But it’s painful to see how every person you ever loved didn’t reciprocate and you can’t help but sit and wonder “then who?”.

And it’s not even about loneliness anymore, you actually start wondering if there’s a curse of some sorts hovering over you head.

It’s like all the bad luck of all the previous generations and the sins that they carried, ghosting on you.

Of course you have hope, aren’t we all hoping for something in this life?

When I was 18 I was saying loud and clear that I’ll be married by 26 and have 2 kids, because I want to be a young mother so I can play with my children. Because my mom is young and it’s easy to talk to her.

Here I am 6 years past my deadline. Times have changed, they say.

But sometimes I wish they didn’t. Because we kind of lost the sense of family nowadays. We are so busy being independent that we are so terminally lonely. We just use each other like disposable gloves.

And God forbids we admit we have feelings. That’s out of question. You have feelings, get ready to be taken advantage of.

I am jealous of those who actually managed to find a partner a decade back. They have different kind of memories and hell of a better music. They were still not devoured by social media and technology and they still went for a walk in the park.

Fuck me sideways, I wish it was different.

I’m not saying I wasn’t happy. Oh man, I’ve been so so happy in some of the days of my life. And I’ve had it all at some point. I was loved, I loved back and it was enough, bla bla. Of course shit happens. You look back and, of course, you’ll say that “yeah, that’s how it was meant to be”, because this is what we all say after all. We all suddenly believe in a greater power that has all of us hanging like puppets. Yeah it’s convenient to say that.

What if we fucked up? What if we should’ve, could’ve tried more and better? But no, out of pride, in one instant we are willing to lose it all. Because pride usually feeds us and makes us sleep better at night, isn’t it? Bullshit, man. We are just flawed. There’s a fuckin glitch in the fuckin matrix and I’m sorry for saying fuckin so fuckin much, but I just love it.

I’m not trying to blame ourselves for everything, but I’m just saying that we also changed. And it’s not just that, we let other factors change us because we don’t take change too well. Usually progress should touch us in a positive way, and yet we ruin everything we are given. Just think about it.

And then there’s THAT hope.

You hope that your turn didn’t come and you still have a chance at happiness. At some point you even start saying “But X was in her/ his mid thirties when she / he met the love of her / his life” and so we let ourselves drift in this lazy river of hopes thinking we’ll bump into the love of our life at the right time. I don’t even get out of the house man, I keep on hoping somebody will notice me while I go to the supermarket looking like a bum. I don’t even ride the metro. I’m not even able to carry a conversation without being super awkward. I’m not even myself anymore.

And I’m not even exaggerating, this is the state I’m in right now because I don’t believe in anything anymore and I don’t believe in that special someone who will make me want to move in with them. I mean, good luck with that. I find moving in with somebody, to be one of the hardest things ever.

Probably my brother will roll his eyes to the back of his neck and say between his teeth “you’re just like mom” but so be it bro. Come at me bro!

I know he’s reading my crap. Love you bro!

And now imagine I find the love of my life tomorrow and we spend the rest of our lives together and I need to go back and embarrassingly delete this post.

Eh, fingers crossed!

*

I enjoyed writing this, it’s been such a long time. Sometimes you just need a little push.

And please always keep in mind that the present situation is always a variable and it can change any minute, any second, so if I write some tings, sometimes, it doesn’t mean that I’m going crazy or anything. I just have my moments and I always share them as they are. I can’t write fiction, sorry.

It’s all love and evening shenanigans. Peace!

Happiness

Cookie: Why does she look so beautiful today? She makes me stare at her.

Fritz: Because today she’s happy. And when she’s happy, everybody can see it.

Cookie: Why can’t she be happy all the time, then?

Fritz (whispering almost to himself): Because she is human…


I’m going through my drafts again and this is the pilot episode of a short series I wanted to write about my cats. My two boys, Cookie and Fritz in their own world, talking about me obviously… Seems fun… cat wisdom.

Cookie got his name after the great Cookie Lyon in Empire and we also thought he was a girl when me and my flatmates first got him. I said he’s a boy but I gave up when my flatmates said he’s not. Not long after he grew the cojones.

Fritz is named afte Fitz in Scandal, the president of the US. I just felt he’s a bit german and I added an “r”. Makes a stronger impact.

One of them is a blessing in the shape of a cat, the other one is the Antichrist. I love them both to death for being so different. Call me cat lady as much as you want but they fill in my days with joy and mostly anger.

Maybe more episodes will pop soon.

It’s all love and cat shenanigans. Peace!