The urge of finding out

God sometimes I’m so awkward. I just say the most weird things when it’s really not the case. God! And the problem is I really don’t mean them. I don’t meant to make them sound as they do. They just come out of my mouth. Is anybody else having the same problem?

Really, it’s frustrating. I’m not a person who loves double meaning and stuff. I like things straight. And they always come out twisted. Christ! I’m the master of disaster!

I really don’t mean it, and here I am being all awkward. With the wrong people. I want to give myself an award for being such a weirdo. I’m just a real calamity.

I should shut up. I don’t even know why I start some conversations. I should just be quiet. But it’s just that part of me that wants to see where I stand. I guess I get my answers sometimes. It’s not always what I want or when I want. I should get used to this. I can’t always get what I want.

Most of the times I do. That’s where the confusion is. I always get what I want and it becomes a habit. No Gaby, things are not always the way you picture them. And sometimes you’re just bored. This is what kills me. Boredom. But it’s natural. It happens to everyone. Is not always thrilling and adventurous as we picture it to be. Sometimes we just have to be happy with what we have.

But I always want what I can’t have. Speak about the drama. I am such a spoiled brat. I am used to have all these exciting things happening and I forget that sometimes are not even right. Or moral… Call it as you want. I just love the unusual. I just love the fear and the adventure. It has to give me that adrenaline dose that I love so much. It has to be forbidden. That’s why I’m not settled, because I love the unknown too much. Or the most familiar. It will take a good shrink to decipher all this.

And it’s fun you know. But it’s such a contradiction because I never know where I stand. Do I want to know where I stand. I’m bored. I want some fun. It’s been a while since I felt the thrill of it. I’m such a stubborn person. So easily offended when I don’t get what I want. What do I want though?

I’m not easy to please because I don’t want to. I have layers and layers that I shed at all times. And I love it like this. You’ll never know what pleases me now and what pleases me after a moment. But there’s one thing I know. I want it only my way. And my way is not boring at all. You should just let me have it. Give me that space that makes me comfortable. And then magic will happen. If you shut me down I’ll never react. I just need to feel secure. And then there’s magic.

And to be clear my intentions are never bad. You can rest assured that I don’t want, I never wanted and I will never want to cause harm. I’m just perverted and my aims are not to destroy. I aim to please. It’s all carnal. It’s all about the sense. All the senses. But I know there have to be limits because what I can unleash is not easy to handle.

And people are always afraid. Especially when they act like they don’t.

And in the same time I love stability. Now you tell me how everything I just said before can match this statement. Where’s the middle way here?

I have no clue. It’s like I want to have that Bonnie and Clyde kind of thing but… legal. Too much Freud inside my head. How can I ever find peace? Because in 31 years I never found it. I’m a vampire searching for the elixir that gives the power of walking in daylight. I’m searching for a myth.

But I guess I’ll make do with the first part until I find the latter. I’m just fine with trying. I just wish I wasn’t misunderstood. Damn I wish I could be clearer and things will just fall into place. But then that’s the beauty of it… not getting what you want… when you want.

This being told, I guess I’m just going to be my awkward self until that day comes and somebody will see it as a treasure. Because I am one.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

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Mom, I’m fine

Now that I have your attention:

First of all, I want to share with you some good news – I bought my own domain recently so now I’m inthenightair.com. I don’t know if you care, but I do! Getting serious about all this writing thing… I think. You’ll never know with me. When I start to like something I immediately start to have an aversion to it. Yeah makes no sense. Let’s move on.

Second of all, something funny happened today. My mom asked me if I’m fine because she saw a post on the blog and she thought I sound disappointed and sad.

No mom, I’m not disappointed nor sad, I just write, and even though I have a tendency to write a lot about feelings it’s not always something i’m feeling at that moment. Sometimes I keep a subject in my head for weeks. Sometimes I even write it down so I won’t forget it.

Of course those subjects are also inspired by reality because most of the time I’m subjective in my posts, but it doesn’t mean that what I write is happening at that exact time.
Most of the times I’m euphoric and sometimes, just sometimes, angry, when I write. Ok I’m also disappointed and sad sometimes. But JUST sometimes.

I can’t always write about funny stuff, even though I like to do that too. My mom said she’ll love to read funny posts all the time. Haha relax mom I’m not that upset and I promise I’ll write about fun stuff soon. I actually have something on the pipeline.

What can I do, my mom has access to the internet… Together with other members of my family who are probably thinking I’m a wreck.

Nah. I’m good. I just like romantic shit and I like to disect feelings. The real deal is never published. Some people know I keep the realest posts hidden.

Too much subjectivity might hurt sometimes. I also mix some fiction in my posts strictly for embelishment purposes, but not too much. Sometimes it’s my imagination or my hidden desires. Man, i’m experimenting. Whatever you read it’s a test until I find my way and I polish my talent. I think you’ll all know the difference then.

From time to time I write about feelings or memories long gone, just because they pop somewhere in the back of my head like popcorn. I’m very disorganized I know, and no, I’m not putting real effort to change it. Simple. Let it flow as it is. Might be messy in the beginning but then it becomes a lot better.

I also noticed that all these touching posts bring a lot of reaction. People start reacting on the blog from the first minutes. I can see I’m touching the sensitive chords of my audience.

If you ask me, I love to write about feelings. I find it beautiful. I find it rich in everything. Aesthetically you have so much space to develop the writing, the language, the effects. It’s truly creative.

And I do think that we all have a sensitive side and deep inside we like to read emotional texts. I have to admit I used a few texts to manipulate and mislead but only I know where and when and who. Ok and a few other people. Hahah, yeah I get caught sometimes.

So, see. Mystery solved. I’m not at the end of my despair. I’m just feeding my blog. Got it mom?

How cool is she! Love you mom!

On a serious note yeah I find various subjects in day to day life. And that’s about it. My true writings are on a different blog. Hahaha no. I barely maintain this one. I could never keep two. Seriously. No. Seriously.

It’s all love and petrol station (again) writing shenanigans. Peace!

The right ventricle

I tangled my fingers into his god-like beard

I followed the traces of his jaw bone, down his neck

That led me all the way to those two chambers of his heart

One for me and one for what was left of the other one.

I fortified my walls inside his beating hub

But at night I hear her knocking lonely from the other side

“I don’t want to die” she whispers…

“I’m not here to kill you” I add in the pulsing darkness.

*

*

Draft that I never convinced myself to publish. Some drafts just get all dusty in here. Some of them might never see the light.

It’s all love and late night (very late) shenanigans. Peace!

ADD, ADHD, OCD

I don’t believe in much, but I believe in people. And I fear destiny. My biggest fault. Because you should take everything as it is. Don’t let yourself influenced by anything. What is good and what is bad is already inside yourself. You know already how to distinguish them.

Today is Today and Yesterday is so damn far away, that you can only wave a nice farewell. What happened Yesterday is in fact the biggest enemy people have, because too many live there still. Yesterday likes popularity, just like a stripper who is long aged but still wears short disgusting dresses and creepy make up. And there are many to stop by, believing in fast free pleasures. There’s only bitterness in this useless intercourse with Yesterday.

Live Today and worship Tomorrow. Leave those yellow teethed Yesterdays behind. If you love do it Today because Today is bright daylight and if Yesterday means the starless night, light a candle. Live Today more than Tomorrow because plans are just games. Don’t hope for Tomorrow to be a miracle, live it as another Today.

If you love say it Today don’t wait until Tomorrow as tomorrow might just be a promising mistress with no intentions of a happy ending. Don’t fear Today for what will happen Tomorrow. If Today you feel like laughing, laugh until you reach the floor bacause you’ll earn few more years, you’ll prevent few more wrinkles, you’ll outnumber few more tears. There are tears to come as well…

If your mind can’t calm down give her some hay to chew, lie that bitch until you know what to do next. Don’t burn that gas just like that, don’t accelerate in a moment of anger. If your mind screams let your heart scream too. At some point they will either scream or stop together. Keep a balance, find the balance. Don’t ignore neither of them. Every action has a reaction. Your mind and your heart know that.

Give it some time but don’t waste the time. Leave what bothers you to rest for a while and focus on anything else. If in this time you get over what bothered you, move on, if it’s still there go and face it. It’s like that.

If you want to change, change. It’s all in your power. And you are so powerful. If something is worth having, have it, and never listen to other opinions. Others can never understand your reasons, fears, hopes or feelings. Not because they can’t but because they don’t want. Simple as that, they have their own shit to deal with. Don’t expect too much. The more you do, the less you get.

You have a soul, take care of it, it may be immortal but it also deteriorates. Feed it the beauty and the hope of the world, not the rotten dungeons of human behavior. Give chances, love hard, forgive as much as you can, as your faults are also forgiven.

I am dreaming of beautiful moments and beautiful places and beautiful souls. I am dreaming of peace and understanding and love. Don’t be too busy to dream. Dream even if it’s hard. Even if it’s impossible. Love the people around you, love them all as they are teaching and looking over you.

Give chances and hopes and help making them happen. We are never alone and we can’t be alone. Make it worth, every single moment. Fight for it if it’s necessary. Fight for what you believe in even if…

Ok, I should stop drinking. Good night!