Delete. Next!

Two thousand fuckin nineteen.

What a joke! What a disgusting year this has been.

Yes it’s true, years are good and bad. It’s absolutely true. Some bear luck and prosperity and some are barren like an old witch.

I am angry at this year because it tricked me. It tricked me just like a man I loved. And only those who I love trick me.

It tricked me from the beginning, even though I started my new year in a foreign country, alone in a square full of strangers while it was snowing like a motherfucker.

And there I am, picture this, my face red from the biting cold, my eyes like 2 stars, looking at the sky and wishing the year will be good to me, and wishing that I’ll manage to be better, and get better, and do better.

Just picture a stupid face in a crowd, hoping for fairy tales. That’s how stupid I am because you know how I finished this fuckin year? Out of my damn fuckin mind.

I’m not even going to celebrate anything. I’m just gonna wait for this nightmare to be over and sleeping my way into 2020. I don’t even want to hear the fuckin countdown at midnight.

It was a deceiving year. You might think you had something good and yet it was showing you only a dark side. You have something that you care for and then boom! Makes you want to hate it.

Thank God for friends. This is all I have to say about 2019. Thank God for those who truly care about me and thank you for putting up with my instability. Thank you for continuous and unconditional support.

I lost some people too because they pushed too much. I have no tolerance for people who try to create something out of nothing. I’m done. Everybody is grown up and they should be able to deal with their own shit and not put the blame of fictional problems on others.

This year was the year I lost my mind for good. The year I decided to make major changes in my life and I panicked along the way to a point were I broke down.

The year I loved a ghost and a pretender.

The year I cried most of my tears. I cried. I cursed my life on and on. And my roots, and my fuckin destiny. And the sins I have to pay for generations. I read in the bible that the kids pay for their parents’ sins til the third generation. It makes fuckin sense.

It’s an existence of torment, of not enough or of too much, of imbalance and of bitter taste. It’s an existence where I can’t enjoy anything without paying the price.

It’s an existence where I rebel against myself sometimes just to end up punishing myself.

It’s an existence where I am good at everything and yet I’m totally useless. The confusion reached such a level that my brain sunk in an abyss that was so dark and deep that I couldn’t see shit anymore.

I needed a grasp of air, or light any fuckin thing that can get me out if it and you know what’s the saddest part?

To keep fuckin smiling like you have no worries in the world. When the soul inside you is turning to ashes and you feel like cursing the day you were born.

This year has been like fishing. And I am the fucking bait. This year has swiped the floor with me and reduced me to nothing.

And yet I keep on acting like nothing is wrong and I know that are some people who truly believe that I have no worries in my life. That I live and laugh and joke and that this is my life. Just because I don’t throw myself on the floor ripping my hair off, it doesn’t mean I’m fine. Fuck this shit! I still hear people saying “you’re a party girl”, or “you have no family so no responsibilities”, or that “everything is smooth and easy”.

I have nothing to say to you, than to open your damn narrow minds!

Or just come be in my head for one day. House of terrors is a fuckin joke.

If it was for me, I would’ve had a family and kids and a dog in the backyard. I would’ve cooked everyday and cleaned the house. I would’ve gone to work and then back to my kids and husband but that doesn’t happen to everybody and it doesn’t mean it always should.

I am just afraid of ruining somebody else’s life, that’s it. And obviously it’s a reason why it didn’t happen. Anyway this is not what bothers me the most. This is just the social pressure, so present after a certain age.

You know what else happened this year. I was afraid. Afraid of many things, I panicked. And people think I’m tough and I can handle things but I’m just broken glass. I often hear people say “I thought you were tough!” well guess what, I guess it’s all just an act. I guess we all have to do what we need to do to survive. Probably that’s why people hate me when I love them, because I’m not tough anymore, because I would do anything for them. Because I’m fucking weak for them.

This year I complained more and I’m usually the one who says things will work out. Apparently not to myself.

This year I’ve been ungrateful and selfish. And I don’t like myself like that and probably that’s why I started a war with myself.

This year even though it seems I was successful, I wasn’t.

Again, this year is a master of illusions.

I hated myself this year and I let myself go. And I hated life.

And to end up in glory my Godfather passed away on my niece’s birthday on December 20th. Isn’t life a bitch?

It’s just like you are not allowed to have problems or complain about anything anymore. It’s like your problems are not real problems and you become a stranger more and more and more. To yourself too.

It’s like I’ve been reduced to nothing. I didn’t even take myself seriously. I thought exactly what others think, that I have no real problems, that as long as you are not responsible for others you don’t count. Well I’m responsible of my own and if I can’t take care of others at least I can take care of myself. I failed to do that too. So much negative bullshit we are ready to feed ourselves in a blink of an eye.

I’m just a castaway, that’s how this year made me feel. More than ever.

I’m not wishing anything for next year. Just to keep this fuckin smile on my face. And if I’m too harsh and if I’m wrong about feeling this way I hope the new year will prove me different.

Happy new year!

Word omelet

Sometimes I think it will be nicer to write on paper. But when I do, I realize my brain is so much faster and my hand can’t keep up. But then we have keyboard prediction and text to speech and boom it’s easier.

But writing is about being in the mood.

OK so before I start, there’s a weird thing. When my domain was paid I didn’t have this much traffic. Now that my subscription is over I notice an increase in traffic. A notable one. I’m trying to write almost everyday to compare it with older posts and see the difference.

I go through drafts a lot. They’re silly some of them. It’s funny how infatuated you are about some things sometimes and then you go back just to laugh at yourself.

Some drafts are good. Some are jokes. They’re never gonna see daylight.

I love how my phone corrects my shit. I’m so sloppy and I hate to go back and check my grammar.

I’m thinking of monetizing this website, but obviously I’m too lazy to follow this through. Some adds won’t do no harm tho. But I’ll have to write a lot. Everyday. I don’t know if I can do that.

This is a post I’m writing right after I published yesterday’s post which was a draft from Feb maybe. Yeah, was feeling kinda victorious.

Anyway. I fell a bit into the well of memories and decided to reminisce some more.

*

He told me “Come help me fix my tie”. We both know what that means… Oh, but what a lovely little game! What a pleasant request!

And here I am, in front of you, pretending I’m so diligently fixing your tie. I’m not even looking into your eyes this is how much I’m into my play-pretend.

But I did see your lips. I do know your face. And I know you just keep it in for the sake of the game.

Not for too long, though.

“Kiss me” I hear all of a sudden.

And I’m not waiting for another moment…

Mhm, I take your face into my hands while you grab my waist and man do I kiss you!

*

See I would love to write fiction man but where the hell do I start? I’m no JK Rowling riding the train and then, boom! I write 7 books of Harry Potter.

I’m not even a Sandra Brown. At least not yet. From my tendencies I might be a pretty good one if I stick to it.

But I don’t want it cheesy and I don’t know if I can do it hardcore. There’s a niche of course, but you need to know a lot of words to describe the same feelings and actions on and on. I mean how would you describe multiple sex scenes throughout a book without repeating yourself? That’s a goddamn dictionary exercise.

Where does Stephen King gets all his stuff from? How much inspiration can be in a human being. Is it the alcohol? The tragedies in his life? Or is is just divine intervention in the sense of pouring talent in industrial quantities in some.

Anyway, dilemmas, dilemmas.

Hm, my laptop is not working these days and I live on my phone. I’m quite productive I’d say.

This is an absolute blab and I bored you all to death because you thought something will come out of it.

Nah, it’s just me talking to myself and sharing with you because, yeah, let’s admit it, I do like attention and I enjoy it!

It’s all love and evening writing shenanigans. Peace!

Victory in a trap

I get it man! I get it! I always get what I what with one condition. I can’t keep it! That’s the damn thing about this wicked life I call my own. It doesn’t make any sense, I know, but it does for me.

You see, I sometimes made it happen, I push for it or I get it just like that, out of thin air when I least expected it. But I always get what I want. When I don’t want it that badly, it always stays. When I want it the most, it never does. When I want it the most, it hurts me.

Then what’s there for me? I mean if I can’t have it because I want it, then what’s the solution. What can I have?

I don’t know about what I deserve, I’m not fooling myself that I deserve the best. I have my demons, made my mistakes. Made some terrible ones. I don’t even seek for forgiveness. This is how much I started to assume them. I just want things to be easy. Ok easiER. No that’s not the word, I don’t even believe in easy. Nothing in easy. Maybe you get lucky but it’s never easy. It’s always so goddamn nerve-wrecking. Anyway I don’t want it easier, I want it transparent.

It’s ridiculous how much we lack responsibility and honesty in our bones. I have a very short temper and I’m just like that, a bull in the middle of the arena or on the green fields. Doesn’t matter wich, I’m just a bull. Thick legs, always on the ground, freaking big horns, and ready for anything. I know there’s the sky above me and the ground beneath my feet. I know what I am and I do it my way. I can always become infatuated over a small thing but it’s ok. I think I somehow manged to control it over time. And I think the charm is lost.

I mean I love spontaneity because it’s so entertaining. It works for me. And it brought a lot of great things my way.

Leaving analogies behind, is not that I’m a very transparent person myself, but I’m true to myself at least. I don’t facbricate another person when I look in the mirror, I don’t fabricate it outside neither. I mean what’s the worst that can happen. You’ll never be able to please everybody. And who ever does that? No-freakin’-body.

And I always get the opposite. Anyway, the irony.

I always end up in a rant, with my feelings, the world, the universe. Each and every single one of us it’s an universe by default. If you could only disect a person to see the ideas, the feelings, the emotions. The colours…

Drafts from when I finally conquered you B.

P. S. Did you notice how much ADHD is in this text?

It’s not all love today, but the usual evening writing shenanigans. Peace!

The doers, not the sharers

Sorry but I can’t take it anymore. All this thing of sharing tragic videos of whatever animals, whatever motivational speakers, one sadder than the other just makes me lose it. You can think whatever you want of me but I’ll be damned if I’ll share any video that says cows don’t give milk without giving birth, chickens are victims for laying egss, let’s be vegetarian because you have to cut your own pig and because we are cavemen. Honestly we were doing just fine as cavemen. And there’s a freakin cycle in this world, isn’t it. Yeah tell me about elephants being extinct because fuckers want to sell ivory, tell me about the white rhinoceros, the white tigers and lions and the whales but come on, pigs and chicken and cows. Is not that I’m fuckin insensitive but it’s becoming such a soap opera.

We just need reasons to cry and feel pity. OK the world is going to hell, we can all see that. We are brainwashed, lied to and abused every single damn day and yet we add more to it.

You know who wins at this and who does it right? Those people who are actually doing things and not posting things. The winners are those people who planted millions of trees and restored the habitat in South America. Or those people who took care of pandas and breeded them until they’re not extinct anymore. Or Leonardo di Caprio for trying to clean the planet. The winners are those who DO.

The fuck you’re doing behind a screen thinking of yourself to be so righteous and a savior of this planet. Go clean the streets with the laborers and then we talk. Oh that’s degrading work for you isn’t it? You prefer to post videos from your super expensive phone / tablet / laptop.

Call me whatever man but a lot of things will be solved if all of us will just participate to this massive campaign of saving the planet and not only talking about it.

Don’t you think it will be more efficient to go on a recycling campaign every weekend than to go on social media.

Oh so the video reached 2 million people? Oh how many crying reactions to this! Oh the turtles are covered in plastic. But you know that you can go save them, right? And out of these 2 million people who actually gives a crap? Tell me! How many stop buying plastic bottles or get all their groceries without plastic bags. How many of them stop throwing their chewing gum or cigarette butts on the street. How many?

Oh so you did your part to saving the world by sharing a tearful video just to go back and do your usual shit.

And you know what bothers me the most. It’s the tragedy. Oh God the scenarios they come with. The commercials. Christ it’s doomsday and we are all murderers!

We can be educated through positive facts also. We can be educated by not being blamed.

I eat meat and I fuckin love it man. I’m not going to be hypocritical about it not a single damn moment. I love it, I wanna eat it everyday. I will not turn vegetarian because somebody is forcing me. First it has to be your own choice. If it’s a matter of religion or any belief you are into then I respect that to the max. But if you tell that I should be a vegetarian because it’s a trend and because I don’t know who says that, then I’m out.

And you can judge me. I honestly don’t give a damn. The power of positivity is way bigger and can actually make a change. Let’s get out there and change. We are fuckin 7 billion people. We can clean this place like it was never dirty.

And no, I’m not an example, I don’t do it but I also don’t try to make people cry at the sight of some super sad video.

I would love to help but I’m also a part of this millennial laziness and shitty lifestyle.

It’s a bit harsh I know and probably sounds absolutely cruel but I strongly believe that sharing dramatic social media content (that’s what it is after all, and it makes good money for some people by going viral) won’t magicly solve world’s issues. Honestly. Awareness can be brought in so many different ways.

And let me ask you, all these fancy commercial for these campaigns cost shit loads of money. Won’t this money help a cause better that going to the actors pockets? Just saying.

I was reading somewhere that one of Michael Jackson’s charity concerts raised so much money that could take Africa out of misery and yet see Africa today. Who freakin took those money? And all the charities ever made for Africa could have made it the richest continent and yet, look at Africa!

Let’s not just cry about it online. Let’s not just point fingers at those who eat meat or whatever petty millennial crime. Let’s DO something about it. I’m instigating to cleaning revolutions and rescue missions and going to the extreme.

But it’s more comfortable at home, I know, and balls are bigger online. I totally agree. Just don’t be hypocritical about it. Yeah we all got the planet in this state. Some more than others. I didn’t litter the planet by eating meat tho. And also it didn’t change the climate. Other factors did.

I’m ranting again. I’m not aiming at anybody in particular and I’m not going to answer any comments. This is just how I feel about it and I’m not gonna change it because it doesn’t tickle everybody’s ears.

It’s all rants sometimes and evening shenanigans! Peace!

That damn wisdom well!

It’s been a while! Lots of things happened. An eventful year, but when is it not with me? Lots of ups and downs. I felt more downs than ups, but then it depends on what you want to see.

One thing that sucks in WordPress- really guys very bad move- is that they removed the Facebook connection. Is not automatically posted on Facebook, you just have to share your post manually. Not a biggie, but makes a difference!

Anyway, ups and downs. Just like everybody else. I just had to forgive a lot of people, and I had to forgive myself a lot for being, as usual, naive.

I tell myself so many times that not everybody feels, thinks or understands things the way I do. And it’s ok. Less expectations, everybody will say. But is it true? No, guys, is not!

Deep inside we still want people to understand our actions, our minds, our intentions. Is not always the case. Unfortunately.

And that breaks us.

But we have a choice. To forgive, to let the grudges on the side and just move on. There’s no place for hate and resentment. Regret… no way! Just find that power inside you and let it go. You have to! For your own happiness, for your own wellbeing.

After all there’s nobody out there who gets you more than you do. You and your own self. Find the time to de-clutter your feelings. Vacuum that negativity away. What is it good for, anyway?

Be happy for no reason. Enjoy what’s given. Cliche, I know but it actually works. Busy your mind with things that make you happy. It takes some effort but it has long term benefits.

Not everybody understands your ways. Not even your questions. People misinterpret everything. Human nature. We just love to complicate things. I’m talking about myself too. I’m no exception!

Most of the times we are well-intentioned but it doesn’t always look like that. We’re difficult sometimes, we’re cranky, we’re weird even. Yes, we’ll be misunderstood, but, then again, that’s life. Just don’t let it ruin your sleep.

My sleep is already screwed. I really don’t need more reasons to fak it!

If you have reasons to be happy, just be! Don’t think too much! There are too many people out there who wake up to their worst nightmare. Be grateful for what you have. It’s true. You can’t have everything, but what is everything?

Forgiveness is the key. Don’t give anybody the satisfaction to see you stress about them. Hate is as strong as love sometimes. And both are extreme emotions. They affect you and the people around you. Both make people feel important, so be careful what you send out.

I went from one extreme to another in a very short time. I had a breakdown and I gave people the satisfaction of seeing me broken. I shouldn’t have, but to be honest it was such a liberating moment. But, that’s all it was, a moment. Probably it saved me from the mental institution, but it was not entirely worth it.

Anyway, after the release, the reality kicked in. And I had to rethink my strategy. And the only way I see it is forgiving myself  and others. Just forgive and forget. It’s nice to leave guilt aside. And, by the way, I’m not giving half of my feelings or myself to people. So I’m not blaming myself for not giving. Maybe I give too much. That seems to be the problem.

Maybe when you give too much people feel burdened. Maybe it’s a lesson. But what I truly believe is that someday, somebody will just see you as you are and how simple your intentions are and you’ll not have to play games or stop yourself from being UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU!

Just don’t give up. There are great people out there and life has so much too give. Just have a look around. Dance for God’s sake! Sing! Do you! Leave second thoughts for afterlife. You’ll have an eternity to go through all of it. In case you don’t reincarnate in a worm or something.

Peace! It’s all love and late night shenanigans!

Mom, I’m fine

Now that I have your attention:

First of all, I want to share with you some good news – I bought my own domain recently so now I’m inthenightair.com. I don’t know if you care, but I do! Getting serious about all this writing thing… I think. You’ll never know with me. When I start to like something I immediately start to have an aversion to it. Yeah makes no sense. Let’s move on.

Second of all, something funny happened today. My mom asked me if I’m fine because she saw a post on the blog and she thought I sound disappointed and sad.

No mom, I’m not disappointed nor sad, I just write, and even though I have a tendency to write a lot about feelings it’s not always something i’m feeling at that moment. Sometimes I keep a subject in my head for weeks. Sometimes I even write it down so I won’t forget it.

Of course those subjects are also inspired by reality because most of the time I’m subjective in my posts, but it doesn’t mean that what I write is happening at that exact time.
Most of the times I’m euphoric and sometimes, just sometimes, angry, when I write. Ok I’m also disappointed and sad sometimes. But JUST sometimes.

I can’t always write about funny stuff, even though I like to do that too. My mom said she’ll love to read funny posts all the time. Haha relax mom I’m not that upset and I promise I’ll write about fun stuff soon. I actually have something on the pipeline.

What can I do, my mom has access to the internet… Together with other members of my family who are probably thinking I’m a wreck.

Nah. I’m good. I just like romantic shit and I like to disect feelings. The real deal is never published. Some people know I keep the realest posts hidden.

Too much subjectivity might hurt sometimes. I also mix some fiction in my posts strictly for embelishment purposes, but not too much. Sometimes it’s my imagination or my hidden desires. Man, i’m experimenting. Whatever you read it’s a test until I find my way and I polish my talent. I think you’ll all know the difference then.

From time to time I write about feelings or memories long gone, just because they pop somewhere in the back of my head like popcorn. I’m very disorganized I know, and no, I’m not putting real effort to change it. Simple. Let it flow as it is. Might be messy in the beginning but then it becomes a lot better.

I also noticed that all these touching posts bring a lot of reaction. People start reacting on the blog from the first minutes. I can see I’m touching the sensitive chords of my audience.

If you ask me, I love to write about feelings. I find it beautiful. I find it rich in everything. Aesthetically you have so much space to develop the writing, the language, the effects. It’s truly creative.

And I do think that we all have a sensitive side and deep inside we like to read emotional texts. I have to admit I used a few texts to manipulate and mislead but only I know where and when and who. Ok and a few other people. Hahah, yeah I get caught sometimes.

So, see. Mystery solved. I’m not at the end of my despair. I’m just feeding my blog. Got it mom?

How cool is she! Love you mom!

On a serious note yeah I find various subjects in day to day life. And that’s about it. My true writings are on a different blog. Hahaha no. I barely maintain this one. I could never keep two. Seriously. No. Seriously.

It’s all love and petrol station (again) writing shenanigans. Peace!

Her chamber is locked

She looks at him with warmth

He’s so lost in what has been, in all those “what ifs”

He doesn’t seem to be very awake even though is clear daylight

His mind wonders but the touch of her hand awakens him

“Can this be true” he whispers to himself terrified

“Where is she?” He asks her in disbelief

“She’s there” she says, calmly pointing to his chest

And then her being covers his eyes

His mouth is full of her faith

His hands are digging her flesh

“Go away you sorcerer of grief” he nearly screams…


Wrote this in 5 minutes. It’s what may seem a sequel of “The right ventricle”. Somebody told me it should continue… I tried. This is what came up in a very brief and undisciplined attempt…

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

I’m on a (spring) roll

I would really like to write a book one day. Anyway I romanticize everything. I just want it to be magic and raw just like my favourite, Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Maybe later when this mind of mine will have some coherence. When I’ll come home and put my kids to sleep and have a glass of wine with my husband, write an hour or two and then go to bed.

Maybe later, when I will be mature and my heart will be tamed. Now there are too many impressions, too many flames burning. It’s not wise now. A book needs maturity and patience. I have neither.

I decided to write everyday if I can, just to practice, just to maintain it. Write about everything that comes to mind no matter what it is. Until my writing will become something else. Not just about me, but a smart plot and a logical series of events. Now it’s all chaos. I’m like a kid inside the toy store.

I was always attracted to literature, to writing, to the smell of books. I like classics and that type of classic romance, out of ordinary. I like the chase, the separation and then the glorious final. The fight and the tumult. Emotions and whirlpools. No soap operas for me even though real life tends to be more that way.

And the characters. Classic characters have always such a strong will and determination. They know what they want and they’ll go to hell and back for that. I got this from books, I know what I want and I know how to fight but nowadays nobody gives a damn about these things anymore. Nowadays is about leaving people “on read” and prove who is more superficial. Oh please1

I should have lived in Ana Karenina’s days or the french revolution. Those days of passions and no technology. I am grateful for technology but sometimes it just leaves us empty. Honestly now, we build relationships through Whatsapp when we should be out there face to face doing things that will keep us from being so fucked up. We should be out there being happy walking bare feet on the beach.

I’m talking non-sense right.

Technology is progress, I agree, but we are still humans last time I checked. All we want now is to be freakin cyborgs. Less feelings, more brainwashed. You just can’t find people to be free with. Nowadays everybody talks money and not much else. And shit.

Let’s go eat a burger and laugh at each other. Don’t mention how many calories my burger has or I’ll get up and leave. Can’t stand that in a man.

We are so focused on totally different values nowadays. We care about really silly things and we let principles and values go to hell. We miss big things just to regret it later. Our reasoning nowadays is faulty. We just don’t know how to human properly.

And all this “let’s see who answers slower”, “let’s act like assholes because people like assholes” is boring as fuck. We miss things doing this, we miss the beauty of life, when people could be together and could be doing things together. Oh, people are afraid that people won’t like them is they give in too easily. Well, newsflash, assholes out there, maybe it’s true for a while but in the end they’ll hate your arrogant asses.

See, I start like this, with an idea, I start calmly and then I’m triggered when entering this debate area and I pour letters in here. This just took me 10 min. I started typing so fast. I need to go out also :)))

Anyway, today’s rant ends here.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

The right ventricle

I tangled my fingers into his god-like beard

I followed the traces of his jaw bone, down his neck

That led me all the way to those two chambers of his heart

One for me and one for what was left of the other one.

I fortified my walls inside his beating hub

But at night I hear her knocking lonely from the other side

“I don’t want to die” she whispers…

“I’m not here to kill you” I add in the pulsing darkness.

*

*

Draft that I never convinced myself to publish. Some drafts just get all dusty in here. Some of them might never see the light.

It’s all love and late night (very late) shenanigans. Peace!

The way I like people

Nowadays people think you like them for a reason. That you hide something. We are after all perverted and doubt comes natural. Because we lie everyday about who we are and who we want to be.

But there’s a different kind of feeling, there’s a different kind of approach… the original one, the one we lost.

The pure one, without intention, without purpose.

It’s about people, man. We interact so much during a simple day and it’s the people we have around who can change our spirit. If we are surrounded by the right ones then we are lifted. And I want to talk about these people. And how I see them.

If I know something about me, is that I am a people’s person. If you ask me what I have most valuable I will give you a list of people. Not one name, a list. I love people and rarely it’s me chasing them out of my life. My heart is not perverted yet, and it’s still naive. I admit. You may think that I get hurt, I will say that I learn.

But I always win. Whatever comes from the heart is always above. If other people take advantage, I let them. It’s ok if they think they can trick people and then brag about it. One day they realize and they will realize what they lost. Story of my life. This is how I know I’m not losing. And I never take revenge. Somebody else is in charge of punishing.

I’m not saying I’m an angel. Not at all. But I preserved my heart. This is what matters for me. And it never failed me. And everybody knows that I don’t play games, and I don’t like to hurt people. It hurts me if I hurt them. Maybe sometimes it seems that it does not affect me, but it does. A lot. I am not the best at explaining myself but I am doing my best to avoid hurting, of any kind. I fail sometimes, maybe because of my short temper, maybe because of my sharp tongue,  but it’s not coming from my heart. I’ll put all my time and effort in somebody close to my heart.

And there are proofs anywhere. Especially with the people I loved, the people I dreamed of a life with. I usually give it all, until there’s nothing left. Then I take a break, get my battery charged and start all over again. It’s normal. I’m not the only one.

Somebody who just met me a few times (not a boyfriend, just a friend) told me that he doesn’t know much about me but he can tell that I give 100% in everything and probably that’s where my drama is… nobody can give it back… His words haunt me.

The thing is that I don’t want it back. I just want people to understand that I feel happy when they are happy. And when I’m happy, everybody can feel it. These small things make me happy. Just accept it. Don’t think about what you need to give me in return, just cherish what I share. I get a lot in return. I am blessed with good people around me. I even had strangers helping me when I most needed it. And that made my heart full. If a stranger who has no clue who I am, helped me or told me a good word, then there’s no reason for me not to share love with the ones I know.

Is not the words we speak everyday, is not the moments when we react or feel scared of ourselves, is our hearts that will be always in the light and will make everything else insignificant. Some people are insecure, they hide behind bullying, behind spite, jealousy or a poor opinion of themselves. Before I felt the same, but when I realized that I can do better than this, I left it all behind. Of course there are still exceptions, I can’t control it. I am trying my best. And I realized that I’m more peaceful, happier, my bad days are less, my sadness is less bitter.

I don’t like to play games. Those days are gone. It makes me hurt and I don’t want this for myself. I’m hunting for honesty lately, but I am bit disappointed. Not discouraged, just, I’ll admit it, very disappointed.

You’ll tell me that I’m really naive. But now you tell me: what should I do? Should I learn how to play games and become a piece of shit with other people, hurting them without any remorse or just try and try until I will find what I want, or until people realize that it’s a lot better on my camp. Call me whatever you want, but I will keep on trying.

It feels lonely but it’s ok. It feels lonelier next to people who are pretending. A lot lonelier. I can’t pretend. You’ll see it on my face when something is wrong. Same when I’m happy. It feels infinite times lonelier next to somebody who’s not honest, first of all, with themselves. They will destroy you searching for their power to be honest.

Anyway, one day somebody will fully benefit of this heart of mine. And if it’s not a human being I’ll get a dog. I’ll go take care of orphans. There are ways. I don’t regret anything. At the end of the day at least I don’t go to sleep thinking that I hurt somebody.

I try my best to fix my mistakes. I know precisely where my words and my actions come from and if I feel I did wrong, I’ll do my best to make it right. I go to bed with a friendly conscience. My demons haunt me for other deeds, not for this.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!