The muse comes, but mostly goes

Sometimes I look at couple’s pictures and I try to find that sparkle, that something that keeps them together. That privacy that only people who are accomplices in love have it. Yeah I spend some time looking at their pictures, because that’s the only thing I have, especially when they are not people I know directly. Or sometimes it’s somebody I like and I didn’t know he/she had a partner and then try to see if they match their levels of reciprocating. Of course pictures are not reality. I know people who never posted pictures of them together and when you see them in real life they are the happiest.

But I realized that I like to make scenarios in my head. I mean if I like the person I want their partner to love them crazy, because in my opinion they deserve it. If I have a feeling that their partner is cold I’m like “Hey, you need to shower my friend with love, you ungrateful potato”.

But yeah, this is one of my unusual hobboies. Weird yeah. I’m weird, is not news. I just want people to be loved as I think they deserve. And anyway is not that I’m the only one who loves scenarios. Everybody does. Especially when they are not in them and they can gossip about it.

There are a lot of people living other people’s lives because theirs is boring as fuck. I know a few and I directly talk about them. Haha, I wish I could name them. Oh! how much fun we’ll have!

It’s human nature, we want to see what’s happening in the neighbour’s backyard. If something exciting happens we feel alive. Boom! Time to live a bit! That’s why we like movies, books and gossip. It teleports us in parallel universes where exciting things happen. Not only exciting! Outrageous, shameless, on a level we can’t afford to reach.

Routine is a monster. We want scandal! If there’s none, we’ll make some! Scandal! Scandal! Or simple thrill.

Yeah we all have our buttons, our weirdness, our little turn-ons. We are stalkers, creeps, surveillance cameras, etc. We just don’t like to admit it.

Or we are just a few in this elite circle of weirdos. Mybe it’s just me. Maybe people are normal. Though I doubt it. Strongly, fiercly doubt it.

Rarely I get the chance to write about things I feel inspired about (I don’t know how to properly describe them). Those things that are really smart and witty, and light up like an idea bulb in your head.

Those are coming to me at the wrong time. Always! At the worst time! For example: in the shower (most of them, and by the time I’m out they’re gone), when I’m driving, in the gym, when I have a task to do (especially then), even during sex sometimes (that’s the worst).

So yeah, inspiration comes at the wrong moments and it’s long gone by the time you are ready to lay the words down. The paradox! And you know what’s the irony? That even the words that your brain masters at that time are of a rare quality. It’s like you’re a sensei of words, they make so much sense and are so fucking artistic and meaningful that you just have to stop for a minute and kiss your own forehead with the utmost pride.

And then, on the other side – the dark side, the sad side – when you actually prepare and sit down to write something, it’s not freakin working. It’s like your brain becomes all of a sudden retarded. It’s like when somebody asks you what’s your favourite something of all time and your brain is opening all the files at once or it just can’t find anything. Blank! And you’re just there like an idiot, mouth open. Brain.exe has stopped. You need to reboot the entire system.

So yeah, basically when you want to do something purposely it just doesn’t work. It’s always the case.

Oh, and we also live in an era of distraction. I want to write and next thing you know I’m deep on some thoughts about how I will help ONGs in Africa or I’m deep in videos of cats doing stupid shit. Or no shit. They are amazing. I love them. See, it’s that easy.

Anyway, it’s very easy to stop writing as well. I was trying to keep a constant pace and once I fell into the trap of “I’ll do it tomorrow” it’s “Hasta la vista baby!” and almost never “I’ll be back”! Please read in Arnold’s voice. Thank you!

All this being said I will go lurk on social media for a while.

It’s all love and late night shenanigans. Peace!

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Word omelet

Sometimes I think it will be nicer to write on paper. But when I do, I realize my brain is so much faster and my hand can’t keep up. But then we have keyboard prediction and text to speech and boom it’s easier.

But writing is about being in the mood.

OK so before I start, there’s a weird thing. When my domain was paid I didn’t have this much traffic. Now that my subscription is over I notice an increase in traffic. A notable one. I’m trying to write almost everyday to compare it with older posts and see the difference.

I go through drafts a lot. They’re silly some of them. It’s funny how infatuated you are about some things sometimes and then you go back just to laugh at yourself.

Some drafts are good. Some are jokes. They’re never gonna see daylight.

I love how my phone corrects my shit. I’m so sloppy and I hate to go back and check my grammar.

I’m thinking of monetizing this website, but obviously I’m too lazy to follow this through. Some adds won’t do no harm tho. But I’ll have to write a lot. Everyday. I don’t know if I can do that.

This is a post I’m writing right after I published yesterday’s post which was a draft from Feb maybe. Yeah, was feeling kinda victorious.

Anyway. I fell a bit into the well of memories and decided to reminisce some more.

*

He told me “Come help me fix my tie”. We both know what that means… Oh, but what a lovely little game! What a pleasant request!

And here I am, in front of you, pretending I’m so diligently fixing your tie. I’m not even looking into your eyes this is how much I’m into my play-pretend.

But I did see your lips. I do know your face. And I know you just keep it in for the sake of the game.

Not for too long, though.

“Kiss me” I hear all of a sudden.

And I’m not waiting for another moment…

Mhm, I take your face into my hands while you grab my waist and man do I kiss you!

*

See I would love to write fiction man but where the hell do I start? I’m no JK Rowling riding the train and then, boom! I write 7 books of Harry Potter.

I’m not even a Sandra Brown. At least not yet. From my tendencies I might be a pretty good one if I stick to it.

But I don’t want it cheesy and I don’t know if I can do it hardcore. There’s a niche of course, but you need to know a lot of words to describe the same feelings and actions on and on. I mean how would you describe multiple sex scenes throughout a book without repeating yourself? That’s a goddamn dictionary exercise.

Where does Stephen King gets all his stuff from? How much inspiration can be in a human being. Is it the alcohol? The tragedies in his life? Or is is just divine intervention in the sense of pouring talent in industrial quantities in some.

Anyway, dilemmas, dilemmas.

Hm, my laptop is not working these days and I live on my phone. I’m quite productive I’d say.

This is an absolute blab and I bored you all to death because you thought something will come out of it.

Nah, it’s just me talking to myself and sharing with you because, yeah, let’s admit it, I do like attention and I enjoy it!

It’s all love and evening writing shenanigans. Peace!

The doers, not the sharers

Sorry but I can’t take it anymore. All this thing of sharing tragic videos of whatever animals, whatever motivational speakers, one sadder than the other just makes me lose it. You can think whatever you want of me but I’ll be damned if I’ll share any video that says cows don’t give milk without giving birth, chickens are victims for laying egss, let’s be vegetarian because you have to cut your own pig and because we are cavemen. Honestly we were doing just fine as cavemen. And there’s a freakin cycle in this world, isn’t it. Yeah tell me about elephants being extinct because fuckers want to sell ivory, tell me about the white rhinoceros, the white tigers and lions and the whales but come on, pigs and chicken and cows. Is not that I’m fuckin insensitive but it’s becoming such a soap opera.

We just need reasons to cry and feel pity. OK the world is going to hell, we can all see that. We are brainwashed, lied to and abused every single damn day and yet we add more to it.

You know who wins at this and who does it right? Those people who are actually doing things and not posting things. The winners are those people who planted millions of trees and restored the habitat in South America. Or those people who took care of pandas and breeded them until they’re not extinct anymore. Or Leonardo di Caprio for trying to clean the planet. The winners are those who DO.

The fuck you’re doing behind a screen thinking of yourself to be so righteous and a savior of this planet. Go clean the streets with the laborers and then we talk. Oh that’s degrading work for you isn’t it? You prefer to post videos from your super expensive phone / tablet / laptop.

Call me whatever man but a lot of things will be solved if all of us will just participate to this massive campaign of saving the planet and not only talking about it.

Don’t you think it will be more efficient to go on a recycling campaign every weekend than to go on social media.

Oh so the video reached 2 million people? Oh how many crying reactions to this! Oh the turtles are covered in plastic. But you know that you can go save them, right? And out of these 2 million people who actually gives a crap? Tell me! How many stop buying plastic bottles or get all their groceries without plastic bags. How many of them stop throwing their chewing gum or cigarette butts on the street. How many?

Oh so you did your part to saving the world by sharing a tearful video just to go back and do your usual shit.

And you know what bothers me the most. It’s the tragedy. Oh God the scenarios they come with. The commercials. Christ it’s doomsday and we are all murderers!

We can be educated through positive facts also. We can be educated by not being blamed.

I eat meat and I fuckin love it man. I’m not going to be hypocritical about it not a single damn moment. I love it, I wanna eat it everyday. I will not turn vegetarian because somebody is forcing me. First it has to be your own choice. If it’s a matter of religion or any belief you are into then I respect that to the max. But if you tell that I should be a vegetarian because it’s a trend and because I don’t know who says that, then I’m out.

And you can judge me. I honestly don’t give a damn. The power of positivity is way bigger and can actually make a change. Let’s get out there and change. We are fuckin 7 billion people. We can clean this place like it was never dirty.

And no, I’m not an example, I don’t do it but I also don’t try to make people cry at the sight of some super sad video.

I would love to help but I’m also a part of this millennial laziness and shitty lifestyle.

It’s a bit harsh I know and probably sounds absolutely cruel but I strongly believe that sharing dramatic social media content (that’s what it is after all, and it makes good money for some people by going viral) won’t magicly solve world’s issues. Honestly. Awareness can be brought in so many different ways.

And let me ask you, all these fancy commercial for these campaigns cost shit loads of money. Won’t this money help a cause better that going to the actors pockets? Just saying.

I was reading somewhere that one of Michael Jackson’s charity concerts raised so much money that could take Africa out of misery and yet see Africa today. Who freakin took those money? And all the charities ever made for Africa could have made it the richest continent and yet, look at Africa!

Let’s not just cry about it online. Let’s not just point fingers at those who eat meat or whatever petty millennial crime. Let’s DO something about it. I’m instigating to cleaning revolutions and rescue missions and going to the extreme.

But it’s more comfortable at home, I know, and balls are bigger online. I totally agree. Just don’t be hypocritical about it. Yeah we all got the planet in this state. Some more than others. I didn’t litter the planet by eating meat tho. And also it didn’t change the climate. Other factors did.

I’m ranting again. I’m not aiming at anybody in particular and I’m not going to answer any comments. This is just how I feel about it and I’m not gonna change it because it doesn’t tickle everybody’s ears.

It’s all rants sometimes and evening shenanigans! Peace!

Guess who’s back

I don’t do much lately. I barely write, even though I put together a collection of 50 poems that I like to call “my first book”. I am waiting to find that desire to publish it. It’s mediocre but in the same time, not that bad.

But it’s latent lately (see what I did here). I just don’t find that joy in the things I once liked. I just go home, eat, scroll through my phone or watch movies and then fall asleep. Earlier, day by day.

I got too comfortable living alone. So comfortable that I don’t really care anymore. And I can’t stop thinking, more and more, that I will never be able to accept somebody in my space. I see it as such a big intrusion.

I tried, you know. I tried to understand also. Some people are probably not meant to be with somebody, and it’s nothing wrong with that, despite what society or family thinks. I’ll not be with somebody just to be with somebody and be utterly unhappy. But it’s painful to see how every person you ever loved didn’t reciprocate and you can’t help but sit and wonder “then who?”.

And it’s not even about loneliness anymore, you actually start wondering if there’s a curse of some sorts hovering over you head.

It’s like all the bad luck of all the previous generations and the sins that they carried, ghosting on you.

Of course you have hope, aren’t we all hoping for something in this life?

When I was 18 I was saying loud and clear that I’ll be married by 26 and have 2 kids, because I want to be a young mother so I can play with my children. Because my mom is young and it’s easy to talk to her.

Here I am 6 years past my deadline. Times have changed, they say.

But sometimes I wish they didn’t. Because we kind of lost the sense of family nowadays. We are so busy being independent that we are so terminally lonely. We just use each other like disposable gloves.

And God forbids we admit we have feelings. That’s out of question. You have feelings, get ready to be taken advantage of.

I am jealous of those who actually managed to find a partner a decade back. They have different kind of memories and hell of a better music. They were still not devoured by social media and technology and they still went for a walk in the park.

Fuck me sideways, I wish it was different.

I’m not saying I wasn’t happy. Oh man, I’ve been so so happy in some of the days of my life. And I’ve had it all at some point. I was loved, I loved back and it was enough, bla bla. Of course shit happens. You look back and, of course, you’ll say that “yeah, that’s how it was meant to be”, because this is what we all say after all. We all suddenly believe in a greater power that has all of us hanging like puppets. Yeah it’s convenient to say that.

What if we fucked up? What if we should’ve, could’ve tried more and better? But no, out of pride, in one instant we are willing to lose it all. Because pride usually feeds us and makes us sleep better at night, isn’t it? Bullshit, man. We are just flawed. There’s a fuckin glitch in the fuckin matrix and I’m sorry for saying fuckin so fuckin much, but I just love it.

I’m not trying to blame ourselves for everything, but I’m just saying that we also changed. And it’s not just that, we let other factors change us because we don’t take change too well. Usually progress should touch us in a positive way, and yet we ruin everything we are given. Just think about it.

And then there’s THAT hope.

You hope that your turn didn’t come and you still have a chance at happiness. At some point you even start saying “But X was in her/ his mid thirties when she / he met the love of her / his life” and so we let ourselves drift in this lazy river of hopes thinking we’ll bump into the love of our life at the right time. I don’t even get out of the house man, I keep on hoping somebody will notice me while I go to the supermarket looking like a bum. I don’t even ride the metro. I’m not even able to carry a conversation without being super awkward. I’m not even myself anymore.

And I’m not even exaggerating, this is the state I’m in right now because I don’t believe in anything anymore and I don’t believe in that special someone who will make me want to move in with them. I mean, good luck with that. I find moving in with somebody, to be one of the hardest things ever.

Probably my brother will roll his eyes to the back of his neck and say between his teeth “you’re just like mom” but so be it bro. Come at me bro!

I know he’s reading my crap. Love you bro!

And now imagine I find the love of my life tomorrow and we spend the rest of our lives together and I need to go back and embarrassingly delete this post.

Eh, fingers crossed!

*

I enjoyed writing this, it’s been such a long time. Sometimes you just need a little push.

And please always keep in mind that the present situation is always a variable and it can change any minute, any second, so if I write some tings, sometimes, it doesn’t mean that I’m going crazy or anything. I just have my moments and I always share them as they are. I can’t write fiction, sorry.

It’s all love and evening shenanigans. Peace!

Happiness

Cookie: Why does she look so beautiful today? She makes me stare at her.

Fritz: Because today she’s happy. And when she’s happy, everybody can see it.

Cookie: Why can’t she be happy all the time, then?

Fritz (whispering almost to himself): Because she is human…


I’m going through my drafts again and this is the pilot episode of a short series I wanted to write about my cats. My two boys, Cookie and Fritz in their own world, talking about me obviously… Seems fun… cat wisdom.

Cookie got his name after the great Cookie Lyon in Empire and we also thought he was a girl when me and my flatmates first got him. I said he’s a boy but I gave up when my flatmates said he’s not. Not long after he grew the cojones.

Fritz is named afte Fitz in Scandal, the president of the US. I just felt he’s a bit german and I added an “r”. Makes a stronger impact.

One of them is a blessing in the shape of a cat, the other one is the Antichrist. I love them both to death for being so different. Call me cat lady as much as you want but they fill in my days with joy and mostly anger.

Maybe more episodes will pop soon.

It’s all love and cat shenanigans. Peace!

Wait for it

I just look at myself sometimes and I want to slap my face and scream from the bottom of my lungs “WHAT DO YOU WAAAAANT”.

Nothing makes you happy. Nothing. When it’s like this, you want it like that. When it’s like that you want it like this. You get what you want and then you don’t want it anymore. You have issues! Big ones!!! How can you ever be happy like this?

And stop thinking. Stop f#cking thinking because it will be the end of you. Why can’t you be normal? Why can’t you stop seeking fantasies and be goddamn normal?

And then I’m like “Nah! Just do your thing gurl! Be a freaking unicorn if you have to!”

End of the story. Good night!

It’s all love and experimental shenanigans. Peace!

Ze guts

I didn’t write in a while. I got busy. I got lazy. I didn’t feel much lately… so kind of a dried well in here. Kind of a dry season for feelings. Heart in the chest waiting for thrill.

I was thinking… I think I’m pretty weird. I mean I feel that people feel the same. And I’m pretty socially awkward.

Sometimes I say the stupidest things man. I don’t even know where they come from. Many a times I just force myself to say nothing. I don’t remember being like this. I was… different. We all were, I guess. One way or another. And I remember I had more balls when I was younger. Is it true you get softer with age? But I was able to say things as they were and I was easily falling for that “I bet you can’t do it” that life throws your way. I just increased the font to 16 because I can’t see properly anymore. I have back aches and I care about what people say.

Where are my balls man?

Is it because everybody is so damn easily offended by EVERYTHING these days? It’s like you’re on a ticking bomb. You lose people after a conversation man, because maybe you said something that didn’t tickle their ears in the right way.

I used to say everything that’s on my mind, of course in the limit of common sense, I don’t need to be rude to speak my mind, and it was so liberating.

I presented myself as I am, always. And then people happened, man. New countries with new cultures, of course, demand some caution, but that is fine, that is again common sense. It’s another thing to be offended by as much as a breath. We are too sensitive these days. We are big babies waiting to complain about almost every damn thing. There is no feeling of contentment anymore.

And then there’s the contrast. You’re used to be open, then you have to close yourself bit by bit and then the only instinct left, is to close some more.

I don’t even know how to start a conversation anymore. Or at least this is how I feel. I used to be so friendly and talkative and now I just want to go meet Friday on a deserted Island. My type of companion.
It’s hard when you have a temper too. I know is good to tame it and I did, but it’s still part of my personality. Sometimes you can just read it on my face. Apologize for that.

But still, it doesn’t feel like myself anymore. I’m becoming a damn turtle and I have less and less desire to push my head through the shell.

Is it the age? Is that what it is? Can’t be just that. It’s this disease that affects “millenials”

I mean look at your damn ancestors, fighting bare handed on bloody fields of war. Aren’t you ashamed that you get offended by not getting likes on Facebook. I mean see the difference man. This is what we’ve become. We don’t know how to take criticism anymore and it’s so necessary sometimes.

I guess we are just bored and we need to come up with various reasons to spice up our lives. But this is not the way. Being a cry baby on social media, spending the majority of your day there, and then feeling that your life is not as shiny as others picture it to be, is pure bullshit man. They say “oh social media ruined us”. Fuck no! We ruin ourselves. If we don’t let it, it will not affect us. But we love to be brainwashed, to be sheeps in the herd. We pay thousands of dollars for a company that brings little to none updates to their products. Anyway we just love to be controlled. George Orwell pictured it just fine. Look at us blaming social media for our miserable lives. But who is behind these social media channels. People. Only smarter.

Nowadays everybody wants to be a damn blogger. I would gladly be one too. These are our aspirations these days. Fuck the traditions, basically. It’s a vicious circle. And we do love to spin.

Everybody wants to be a star, to live a glamorous life and look at our examples, man. Sex tape protagonists turned role-models. Gold-diggers and fake idols.

All what women do is be more naked. Boobs out, ass out, they don’t even balance it anymore. All out!

You ain’t even bad bitches to be honest. Only a few can carry all this “new” fashion. Only few women can add personality and style to less clothes. Rest of you just basic hoes.

That’s the thing. You have to add your own. Copy-cats don’t have a long life.

You can be classy with a deep cleavage if you know how to do it. You can be sexy without being vulgar but that’s such a thin line.

Man, I’m not archaic I just look around me and I don’t like it. I’m not saying we have to go back to being our ancestors, but to be less shallow. We are shallow as fuck.

We want everything served on a damn silver plate or whatever the saying. You should know by now I’m not good at sayings.

And you know what bothers me the most? When men are whining. There’s nothing more annoying. They developed so many issues in time. Maybe because they were force to always lead and be responsible, but damn it, it’s too much. Go get a manicure dear and a Brazilian while you’re at it and let me fix the door knob. Damn it! Grow up, will ya!

Infinite ego as well. Nowadays there’s no chase, You have to chase their gluteus maximus around like they’re the shit. Where’s courting and proper dating or at least the feeling that you’ve tried. Nowadays they just jump to the next one like you never even existed. Boom! Now you see him, now you don’t ! Did I get this right?

I’m on a rant as usual. That’s what I do on my tiny cyber-universe. I grow virtual balls. Because I can’t freaking open my mouth anymore without feeling a look or two, accusing me of some thing or another.

Anyway man, this is who we are at the moment. Am I wrong? You won’t be able to tell me because you think I’ll get offended.

It’s all love and draft browsing shenanigans (that I wrote maybe two weeks back). Peace!

Fatalistic or not…

There’s this thing… a lot lately. They started asking again. “When will you get married… time is passing… you’re already 31..”…. Family as usual. I wouldn’t say I didn’t expect it, I would just say that I didn’t want to hear it anymore. I feel the pressure of it more now.

But I don’t think it’s that easy. As they pictured it to be. In my opinion is not. They say “Find someone and settle down and give me some grandchildren or some nieces/nephews.” But is it really that easy?

Because I don’t see myself ready. I don’t see myself able to take care of anybody else right now. And God knows I love children to pieces and being around them really makes me happy but the problem is with me. I’m afraid of failure, I’m afraid of being bad as a mother, as an example to my children. I’m afraid of  what we are all afraid of. But I’m afraid with practice. If that makes any sense, It’s just that I’ve been digging into myself for way too long to ignore what kind of issues I have.

And you know what just crossed my mind. That it will be actually the best thing to do. To have children. And you know what the first thing that reasoned this idea was? That if you have children, you’ll never be alone. And if you’re not loved, they will always love you. You will have somebody to hug everyday. You will have somebody who will hold your hand and call you mommy for a few sweet years. And you will have someone to be proud of years after.

And then it hit me. Isn’t this the biggest sign of selfishness? Yes they will give me all that, but what will I give in exchange because God knows I’ m not one of His best ones. What if I’m not able to give my children what they need and they’ll turn out just like me. What if they’ll be broken and damaged and they’ll not know what to do with their life? How am I going to solve that. Because that’s a risk I can’t take. I can’t be responsible of damaging innocent people. God knows I’ve done anything bad in my life but not yet this. And I don’t want to.

And you’ll tell that nobody was born ready or knowing how to parent and yeah I’ll buy that. But this is a full time, bullshit! It’s a lifetime commitment and I want at least to feel like I’m ready for it. I don’t need much, I just want to feel, inside me, that I’m ready to handle a life that has been given in my care. I want to feel that I can guard that life for the life of me.

It’s weird how a childhood dream will become your worst nightmare. I wish you could see me when I was 18. I would tell you loud and clear that by the time I was 26 I would be married and have kids and that will be the first thing I’d talk about. And you know what else I would state loud and clear? I would say without any doubt that you have to have children while you’re young because you’ll be more willing to play with them, to level with them, to understand them. Back in the days being 30 meant being already old. And I’ll be damned if I feel that now.

I always felt that young parents, like my mom, can understand better their children, especially when they are teenagers. But then, my family is not an example for almost anything.

And this was long time back. And now, to be honest, I don’t want to get married just because I have to and time it’s passing and I don’t want to have children just to care for me when I’m old.

I still hope..

Yeah… I do. And somehow I feel it’s not too late and yet I get this feeling that the timer was set and the clock started ticking. And it’s not safe anymore. I pray I won’t rush, I pray I won’t make any mistakes because if there’s one thing I never accepted in my whole existence… divorce. I think I can accept murder before divorce. Because I believe in people being above themselves and sort shit out. Then again, I would always advise somebody to get a divorce if things get messy but I will never accept it for me. Because then I would be a failure to my family like my mom was and I was always taught that I should never repeat the same mistakes.

And you know the irony of it? The best thing my mom ever did was to get a divorce from that monster. And if there’s one thing that I blame my mom for, is that she never told anybody the horrors that she’s been through. I wish I would’ve known earlier.

But I don’t want it for myself, because I always thought that people who love each other can sort their issues. And I always say don’t put kids through your grown ups ugly matters and also don’t stay together for your children and in the same time let them see two people acting like strangers or even worse two people who just fight and hurt each other. This is not what children should witness.

In the same time don’t force your children to take sides or judge. It’s not on them to take any side or any decisions.

And now, as I discovered the enormous selfish treasure, I can’t stop thinking of two warm hands on my face and a cheeky face next to mine saying “mommy”. Maybe that’s the answer of getting your unconditional love but it’s never fair to deprive children of what they need. And that is, first of all, a family. So if I can’t assure that to them then I hope I’ll end up alone and without any blood on my hands. And if I do get blessed with the greatest love of all I hope I earn it.

We underestimate the gift of children and the love they bring. Well, I hope we don’t. I hope we keep it sacred in our lives and never let it go to waste.

It’s all peace and night writing shenanigans. Peace!

 

Icarus, but with reason

Recently, I participated in a graduation project. The students, a girl and a young man, were filming a short movie. The girl is the director and this is her dream, to make movies. The young man is the camera man and he is obviously passionate about that. Dream big they say. And these kids do. I saw it on their faces.

I saw the passion and the unlimited possibilities they can dream of. They see no obstacle, they just believe it can happen. You see how their faces have no trace of worry. No dark circles around their eyes. Their eyes don’t have that shadow of sadness and despair. They are just young adults dreaming of a great future. And this is exactly what they should be. Young and careless. For now. This is the age to be free and daring, to throw yourself at life without fear, without doubt. Don’t let anybody cut your wings.

I want to see this on my children’s faces. I want to see them worry only about the small things that make their universe. Like where to position the lights so they can get the best shot for their movie. I want to see their eyes clear and joyful.

Too many adults put their burdens on their children. They cage them when their young, they teach them to speak only when is their turn, to be docile, to stop daring or keep their heads high. They cut all their excitement and drowns them in limitations.

They’ll go into this world with fear of rejection, of being misunderstood or of being too… themselves. Don’t do this. Give them power, give them strength, give them peace to take care of their own wings. They have time to be adults, they have time to worry about everything bad in this world. Don’t add to it. Don’t break them when they are not yet strong enough to recover.

Send them out there as champions, as whole beings, don’t scatter them to pieces. Build confidence in them.

See, I couldn’t stop staring at the girl. First of all she was very beautiful. What really impressed me is that she had a lot of common sense, decency and was doing her best to praise everybody. Probably she is spoiled at home, or she’s daddy’s little princess but who cares. As long as she’s out here in this world trying to be the best version of herself and so humble and decent, it can only prove that her parents did a great job and she found the essence in what was given to her.

Most of us think that other people are successful because they’re born with a silver spoon, but I believe that your fundament as a person is your family and how you’re brought up. If there are values imprinted into your mindset you’re a winner. Is not about what you’re given, is about what you do with what you’re given.

If you’re given peace, you’ll never start a war. If you are given oppression then you’ll not know anything else.

Most of us are broken. Since childhood. We grow up faulty. We grow up hiding, deceiving, manipulating because we’re full of insecurities. We don’t grow up with self-esteem, we just feel that we’re never enough. We grow up looking for the same thing that broke us, because that’s what we know best. We don’t really better ourselves, even though we try. And if we do, if we become the best version of ourselves, there’s still something that will bring the darkness back. Be it vices, habits, failed relationships, failed professions, unusual desires, we’ll have a constant reminder that we’ll never be good enough. And that only side will drag us down more than anything else. We are self-destructive anyway.

See, I’m not being drastic here. If you sit and think about it a little bit, it makes sense. I’m not saying we’re not great people, I’m just saying we have our weaknesses, our demons. That won’t make us any less human than others. Nobody can see our fractures, nobody can sense all these storms we keep inside, but we do. We know everything so well, written in our bones and we can choose to bury it, to deny it, to ignore it but denial is not the way.

A lot of adults are acting like children these days. Immature and lost just because, probably, when they were supposed to worry about childish things they were forced to be adults. And they grew tired. They learned to worry about everything. And later on, when they’re alone they learn to let go, to bring back that childish selfishness. They learn to forget and to remember themselves. And yeah, you might think they act irresponsible, but for themselves is that well-deserved break they never had, that dreamy way of living. And they change a lot, they play, they get spoiled and careless.

I’m escaping, between the lines, in bold characters.

I was just so impressed with this feeling of calmness that these kids portrayed and I liked it. I liked it a lot. I would love to look at my children’s faces and see the same. One day… But in the same time, I have a feeling that history will repeat itself.

I’m not being superstitious, I don’t want to be. Who knows what awaits. It might turn out just fine. But then again, I was brought up to think of the worst first. My take off is almost always hijacked. But still I departed. We all do. The destination is the same.

It’s all love and writing shenanigans. Peace!