Word omelet

Sometimes I think it will be nicer to write on paper. But when I do, I realize my brain is so much faster and my hand can’t keep up. But then we have keyboard prediction and text to speech and boom it’s easier.

But writing is about being in the mood.

OK so before I start, there’s a weird thing. When my domain was paid I didn’t have this much traffic. Now that my subscription is over I notice an increase in traffic. A notable one. I’m trying to write almost everyday to compare it with older posts and see the difference.

I go through drafts a lot. They’re silly some of them. It’s funny how infatuated you are about some things sometimes and then you go back just to laugh at yourself.

Some drafts are good. Some are jokes. They’re never gonna see daylight.

I love how my phone corrects my shit. I’m so sloppy and I hate to go back and check my grammar.

I’m thinking of monetizing this website, but obviously I’m too lazy to follow this through. Some adds won’t do no harm tho. But I’ll have to write a lot. Everyday. I don’t know if I can do that.

This is a post I’m writing right after I published yesterday’s post which was a draft from Feb maybe. Yeah, was feeling kinda victorious.

Anyway. I fell a bit into the well of memories and decided to reminisce some more.

*

He told me “Come help me fix my tie”. We both know what that means… Oh, but what a lovely little game! What a pleasant request!

And here I am, in front of you, pretending I’m so diligently fixing your tie. I’m not even looking into your eyes this is how much I’m into my play-pretend.

But I did see your lips. I do know your face. And I know you just keep it in for the sake of the game.

Not for too long, though.

“Kiss me” I hear all of a sudden.

And I’m not waiting for another moment…

Mhm, I take your face into my hands while you grab my waist and man do I kiss you!

*

See I would love to write fiction man but where the hell do I start? I’m no JK Rowling riding the train and then, boom! I write 7 books of Harry Potter.

I’m not even a Sandra Brown. At least not yet. From my tendencies I might be a pretty good one if I stick to it.

But I don’t want it cheesy and I don’t know if I can do it hardcore. There’s a niche of course, but you need to know a lot of words to describe the same feelings and actions on and on. I mean how would you describe multiple sex scenes throughout a book without repeating yourself? That’s a goddamn dictionary exercise.

Where does Stephen King gets all his stuff from? How much inspiration can be in a human being. Is it the alcohol? The tragedies in his life? Or is is just divine intervention in the sense of pouring talent in industrial quantities in some.

Anyway, dilemmas, dilemmas.

Hm, my laptop is not working these days and I live on my phone. I’m quite productive I’d say.

This is an absolute blab and I bored you all to death because you thought something will come out of it.

Nah, it’s just me talking to myself and sharing with you because, yeah, let’s admit it, I do like attention and I enjoy it!

It’s all love and evening writing shenanigans. Peace!

Advertisements

Mom, I’m fine

Now that I have your attention:

First of all, I want to share with you some good news – I bought my own domain recently so now I’m inthenightair.com. I don’t know if you care, but I do! Getting serious about all this writing thing… I think. You’ll never know with me. When I start to like something I immediately start to have an aversion to it. Yeah makes no sense. Let’s move on.

Second of all, something funny happened today. My mom asked me if I’m fine because she saw a post on the blog and she thought I sound disappointed and sad.

No mom, I’m not disappointed nor sad, I just write, and even though I have a tendency to write a lot about feelings it’s not always something i’m feeling at that moment. Sometimes I keep a subject in my head for weeks. Sometimes I even write it down so I won’t forget it.

Of course those subjects are also inspired by reality because most of the time I’m subjective in my posts, but it doesn’t mean that what I write is happening at that exact time.
Most of the times I’m euphoric and sometimes, just sometimes, angry, when I write. Ok I’m also disappointed and sad sometimes. But JUST sometimes.

I can’t always write about funny stuff, even though I like to do that too. My mom said she’ll love to read funny posts all the time. Haha relax mom I’m not that upset and I promise I’ll write about fun stuff soon. I actually have something on the pipeline.

What can I do, my mom has access to the internet… Together with other members of my family who are probably thinking I’m a wreck.

Nah. I’m good. I just like romantic shit and I like to disect feelings. The real deal is never published. Some people know I keep the realest posts hidden.

Too much subjectivity might hurt sometimes. I also mix some fiction in my posts strictly for embelishment purposes, but not too much. Sometimes it’s my imagination or my hidden desires. Man, i’m experimenting. Whatever you read it’s a test until I find my way and I polish my talent. I think you’ll all know the difference then.

From time to time I write about feelings or memories long gone, just because they pop somewhere in the back of my head like popcorn. I’m very disorganized I know, and no, I’m not putting real effort to change it. Simple. Let it flow as it is. Might be messy in the beginning but then it becomes a lot better.

I also noticed that all these touching posts bring a lot of reaction. People start reacting on the blog from the first minutes. I can see I’m touching the sensitive chords of my audience.

If you ask me, I love to write about feelings. I find it beautiful. I find it rich in everything. Aesthetically you have so much space to develop the writing, the language, the effects. It’s truly creative.

And I do think that we all have a sensitive side and deep inside we like to read emotional texts. I have to admit I used a few texts to manipulate and mislead but only I know where and when and who. Ok and a few other people. Hahah, yeah I get caught sometimes.

So, see. Mystery solved. I’m not at the end of my despair. I’m just feeding my blog. Got it mom?

How cool is she! Love you mom!

On a serious note yeah I find various subjects in day to day life. And that’s about it. My true writings are on a different blog. Hahaha no. I barely maintain this one. I could never keep two. Seriously. No. Seriously.

It’s all love and petrol station (again) writing shenanigans. Peace!

Writer’s unblock

I am one of those people who believe they are good at everything. Haha, I know, I can be an infatuated asshole. As though I’m good at a lot of things, obviously I’m not good at everything. For a long time I struggle to find out what I like the most. What I really want to do in life, and man, that turns out to be a headache.

I believe so much in myself that I can even imagine myself a ballerina, but yeah, that’s really too late. I took a make up course while in Romania and I even have an internationally acredited diploma to certify that. I think I left it England where I used to be a babysitter. Then I went to Greece and worked my way up as a waitress in the VIP restaurant.

I, then came to Dubai and struggled from waitress in a horrendous place to hostess in a fine dining restaurant. From there i transitioned to a real estate company where I was initially a receptionist turned Short Term Rentals in charge and the Marketing Coordinator. Oh, I forgot to tell you that in Romania I was working in construction companies.

My background is Economics, but there is no relation between us whatsoever. I am literally sickened by my years in university and even though I barely missed a day of highschool, I skipped half of university time. I was also working during university, so yeah, I started to enjoy work more than economics. But some of the things I learned there stayed with me and, let’s say, gave me some knowledge about certain situations. If I look back is not really Economics that I hated but other courses. Techology of Communication, that I gloriuosly failed three times, is one of them, and it actually convinced me that I don’t need a diploma. And I’m diplomless let’s say.

Oh, and I worked for a local newspaper for about six months. That was probably something I enjoyed the most in my life.

Over the years, even though I’m more unstable than Elizabeth Taylor when it comes choosing a path, I realized that there is something that never left my side. Writing. I used to write when I was young(er) and then, even though I took long breaks, I continued. I am writing quite a lot these days, as you can see.

Few years ago I enrolled in British College of Journalism and got my accreditation. I am a Freelance Journalist with diploma and Press Pass. Now, this is something I should work on. Yeah, it looks that I talk to myself.

I don’t know if I’m that talented, but one of my dreams is to publish something. But then again, I don’t know where to start, as I am split between monologues, simple absurdities and sometimes free verses. Ah, you must also know that I hate free verses, but as I am a person who most of the times does the exact opposite of what they preach, here I am madly in love with free verses. Why I love perfect rhyme? Because I have OCD. I think free verse is a way of fighting it.

Most of the times I’m shy to post what I write. Yeah it might sound shocking but it’s true. In time, though, I became bolder and even though I forgot a lot of it, I decided to start a blong in English, for a bigger audience. I started to write quite a lot these days because, as everything else, writing needs practice too. And I also want to observe the response.

What I noticed is that my saddest posts are the most successful. Noticeably more likes and more views than any other topics I approach. I don’t know if people are more susceptible to this kind of posts or they just appreciate the fact that you pour your heart out. Don’t know, I’m experimenting.

Posts about love are also top of the list. When it comes to love, it’s tricky. Most of the times I embellish it, I twist it.

Abyway, I have a new little something to work on and it makes happy at the moment. As I said befor, one of my burning wishes is to be published.

And I’ll find somebody to proofcheck my posts.

It’s all love and after work writing shenanigans. Peace!

Some Christmas melancholy

I wake up and the snow reaches the window sill. All is white around the house… everywhere. I look outside and all I want is to go and play in the snow. The house is so warm. There is some food cooking in the stove. Smells so good. I must have breakfast before I go out and play.

See, there’s a tradition in our house. We all eat together. Nobody starts until we are all seated. I know, sounds uncanny. But it’s actually beautiful, it’s so personal. We are too busy nowdays. Everybody on its own.

I have my breakfast and I put on my jacket, my scarf, my woolen hat, my stockings and a pair of woolen pants. Ah and boots. Waterproof boots. I can barely move now and you can only see my eyes and nose. I can see myself so clearly now and it’s so funny. These memories are so precious.

And… I’m out in this snow paradise. You can’t see anything but snow. It covered everything over night. You can see here and there cat traces and their paws leaving prints in the snow. I bet it wasn’t something they want. Chicken are also inside, they didn’t go out yet. It’s not cold. Yet… Some nights will be so cold that everything will freeze and you’ll wake up to mirror like ice everywhere.

I room around, playing, imagining adventures and quests. It’s beautiful, it’s what every child is waiting for in the winter.

After a few days Christmas will be here. Oh, the Christmas tree, mom is coming, my uncle is coming, presents, cookies, that divine smell of Christmas specialities. I can’t wait. We usually buy a green tree and I decorate it. We add the lights and cotton at the end and boom! Christmas is here! Right here on the hallway of our house. Santa can come now. It’s freezing but I can’t take my eyes of the Christmas tree.

My mom is here. She and grandma are starting to prepare the food. My uncle will join later on and we’ll fight in the snow. More likely he’ll throw me in the snow. It’s always so good to have them all at home. My happiness has no limits. I remember waiting for them and listening to them so attentive when we are all at the table. Mmm… I smell something sweet. See, my grandma rarely bakes sweets, except pies and now it’s the time to have these awesome Christmas cookies.

Maybe that’s why Christmas was so special. We were keeping its traditions untouched and its charm, its uniqueness. We have dishes that we only eat on christmas. Of course, more than that, the entire family comes together.

I’ll spend Christmas Eve with my brother and we’ll go from house to house singing and people will give us sweets, nuts or fruits. Traditions that may seem ridiculous now but were so joyfull back then. The best part was that we get to watch movies till late and spend time together until 4 or 5 am when our grandparents will get us ready to go out and sing. We will snow fight of course, we will meet other children and we’ll come home with our bags full of goodies. Oh man the joy of those moments.

I used to be so naughty and search for the presents before Christmas. Most of the times I was lucky and found them and I had to act surprised on Christmas morning. Until they learned my ways and mom and grandma started to step up their game of hiding the presents.

We used to be so stuffed on Christmas day. Delicious food. And then we’ll just sit around the TV and watch Christmas movies. Real Christmas. Entire house smelled like Christmas, that smell that will never leave you.

I don’t know how many kids nowdays get to feel this Christmas spirit. Maybe back then I didn’t realize how much it meant, but I definitely do now, when my Christmas is so much different.

But I believe one thing. It’s about the spirit, it’s about being together. That’s the most important. Maybe I don’t bother that much but one day my family will see how I like to celebrate Christmas.

I just wrote this so fast with so many vivid memories passing through my mind.

Merry Christmas Everyone! Let it be love and peace!

It’s all love and Christmas shenanigans. Peace!

Custom-made defence mechanism

We all create them, consciously or not. We need them because life is full of terrors. We need a self-defence mechanism… to protect us from ourselves. Otherwise our thoughts will drown us, will suffocate us, will eat us alive like a gangrene.

When in despair, some people find comfort in sleep, because they actually stop participating in real life while others push themselves with physical activities building more strenght, both mental and pshysical. Some people drink until they don’t know what happened to them and some just fall into the darkest depression, walking around comatose, just to come back to life with no memories.

I used to worry a lot. A lot more than now. I used to get so stressed about things and even spend my nights crying in vain, without knowing or realizing how bright next day will be. Because there is always a way out. This is what I didn’t realize back then. That the solution to all my troubles is not far and being negative doesn not help me or my situation. At all.

In time I developed my defence mechanism. You’ll laugh but I clean when I’m stressed. I start cleaning every single corner of the house and I will turn every single thing upside down. It’s an OCD cleaning. I’ll arrange every single thing in perfect order and I will not miss a single spot.

While I’m cleaning, my mind is debating. On and on and on. If I’ll just sit in one place, maybe my head will explode. Like this, at least my body is doing something else without being paralized by the power of my mind.

I keep on cleaning and I keep on thinking about things that happened, that will happen, that will never happen and so on. I will reach to every single detail and I will twist every single side of the story. My mind will work so hard that I’ll produce electricity. And while my hands are at work my mind works even harder but then, all of a suden, I have to stop and think “How do I arrange the jars back in the cupboard? Where did this nice cup came from, I almost forgot about it! That wall needs a painting or at least a poster. The clothes need a different arrangement on the rack.”

Slowly I will get lost in these deatils and the clouds of my grey matter will disolve. Peace will be restored by coming back to basics. The electrical storm is finally cooling down and I can relax. And I relax. Maybe by the time I  finish you’ll find me dancing or mumbling song fragments. I will anihilate my own mind for a while. This destructive fluffy beast. And my house will be clean, most of the times.

Sometimes I’m the opposite, I make a mess, I ruin what I build and I think that this is my mind’s way of saying “I’m still in control, don’t fool yourself”. Because at time we are supposed to break down, just to stand up and move on. Fierce. Brave. 100 times more.

I’m not cleaning that much nowadays, or maybe not with the same OCD drive. I don’t need it that much anymore, because now I discovered the meaning of “Everything has a solution” and I transformed it into religion. Yes, religion. Belief.

No matter what will happen today, the solution is just around the corner and it never failed me. Even if the solution is temporary, it’s still a… solution. I always see the bright side when everything turns dark and in time I became imune to tragedies. I just say to myself and to everybody “It will all be fine”. Even when it’s not. And when is not I move on. We all move on. We have no limits, this is what we don’t acknowledge.

This doesn’t mean I don’t feel or that I am im,passive to everything around me, I am just reducing the stress factor. It doesn’t mean I’m the happiest. By far. I still worry but in a controlled manner. I worry wisely if that makes any sense. I suffer but I do it in silence if I don’t get the chance to express myself. And if I do get the chance to take it all out, then it’s gone.

This is another thing I do. I speak whatever is on my mind and heart. Mosttly I speak my heart than my mind. My mind is not that fun, but my heart, oh! that’s a fun ride. But I don’t want to burden it, so I just take everything out. I clean inside my atrium and then I move to the ventricle. I make sure the air is breathable again, because these two chambers are filled with dust sometimes. Don’t let the dust settle, it will be hard to clean it after. I open the windows and I let the airflow dust away. I open my mouth and the draft does the job.

I keep it young, I keep it pure and I don’t let old demons inside. Ok, maybe I kept a few but I turned them into allies. I keep them as precious paintings on the walls. And you know why? Because one day these two rooms of my heart will be inhabited by somebody who will fill the space. And it will be space, because I don’t hoard. It will be a brand new five star hotel, on an old plot, but it will give the best services. This heart is as good as new because it never ceases to give love. It never measures what it gives, it just gives. It’s still wild and it’s still raw and there’s nobody on earth to command it, not even me.

I just make sure it has everything it needs.

Ok, enough with my speech. Time for the quote.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

It’s all love and late night (not that late today) writing shenanigans. Bye now!