Stand up Material

Life is weird, man. First of all we get born… out of a weird place. I mean ok you can’t vomit a baby but there are other ways. Like the delivery bird we are told about when we’re still too young to understand anatomy properly. Oh, you don’t know about it? Is it just us? Oh…

And we’re born so helpless. We need 6 months to start eating food and almost a year to start walking. We’re actually helpless until we reach 16 or 17 years of age. I know older people who are still helpless but anyway.

And then we have no power of choice until we’re major or legal (as if our existence til then is illegal or forbidden), eighteen years old or in some countries twenty one. I mean, the hell with that, you need to chill. In my country they put babies to sleep with vodka, what’s so wrong if they drink at 18. Hahaha I hope you’re laughing. I didn’t mean that. It’s not true. They use drugs. Oh shit, joking again. Too much? Ok, I’ll knock it off.

It’s been a while since I let the clown out.

Then we’re majors and then the real shit begins. Here we are making poor life decisions, not drinking enough water, stressing about making money, not making money, spending money, saving money, anything money.

Then we fall in love, another tragedy. Ok, we fall in love earlier but I don’t consider that true love, that’s just teenage fever. So, we fall in love and there’s more shit to deal with. And then we’re all about he/she loves me, am I attractive enough, should I be an asshole, should I shave my chest, should I skip shaving my legs tonight, am I sagging, is he sagging???, am I fat? please tell me truth! no, don’t tell me the truth, you animal!, I didn’t cum, it was too fast, is he thinking about somebody else, are we making enough money to have a future, money, anything money, love, break-ups, etc.

Break ups yes. We stress about break ups so much, that we become introverts, damaged, assholes, again assholes, more assholes, etc.

Then we struggle with depression, low self esteem, adult acne, ingrown hair… oh shit, is that just me? Anyway, from the small helpless lambs we were, we just left our families to see the world and become some walking trainwrecks.

You live and you become a bag of issues, a walking case study. We evolve. (mocking tone, like when you change your voice to be pompous and with a low bass).

Ok we have nice moments, yey! we enjoy picnics, parties, friends, pets, family reunions, marriage, sex, new family, kids, spending time without kids, travelling, pancakes (mmm I just gave myself a late night craving), new house, new car, getting alive form an accident, you know things like this, closing a credit card, buying a fancy dishwasher. We enjoy them, only to go back to being wrecked, to worry about making money and how many calories are in those damn pancakes!! SO UNFAIR (the pancakes part).

The we, let’s say, settle. We have our family, our kids, our dog that ruins the landscaped garden, we make let’s say enough money but freaking schools are so expensive, we afford to spend quality time and travel from time to time and so on. Let’s say life it’s good and everybody will reach there sooner or later.

But your health is already damaged, you worked like a dog to make money and you neglected a lot of aspects in your life and then Boom one day, Alzheimer’s! Tourrette’s! Or just menopause. You’re old and sometimes so unlucky that you won’t even remember the life you lived.

Ironic. Don’t you think? (Alanis Morisette in the background. I just made you sing that for the next couple of hours).

And then you get older, give all the money you saved for yourself, to your kids and to their kids, and then they put you in an asylum, because you’re a burden and life nowdays is too busy to allow them to take care of you.

You take your sagging self to the asylum and then bye-bye life. Thanks god we don’t get out from the same way we came from. Phew!

But even this is a bit weird. I mean we get burried, burned, embalmed, etc. I mean, why can’t we just evaporate. Less headache for all the people around us, for the environment, etc. Why we have to exit so dramatically from this world that cosnumed us. People crying their eyes off, the coffin is lowered in the ground (or your burned remains are scattered in the wind, depending on how brave you were in your will) and everything is black, together with the priest seeing your way out. I mean it’s a whole plot, a stage, costumes, a theme, etc. We get out of this world in the most dramatic way.

Why can’t we just evaporate. “Ah, you know, we didn’t even see him gone. When we reached it was just a dew on the furniture”. Boom! Simple! Effective! Eco!

I hope somebody makes this a stand-up. Enough with the shenanigans.

It’s all love and clowning around tonight! Peace up! A town!

 

Petrol station time wasting post

The best people are those who make you feel damn comfortable when you’re around them. The people that make everything feel natural and easy. Not too many explanations, no hidden meanings, no pretending.

I mean this is the way it should be. We choose out of tons of people a few that we call our friends, and it should be natural to just be ourselves around them. I love these people that make me feel like “yeah, everything is cool and easy, and I can open my heart and my brain to you”.

A lot of people lost trust. In everything, man. They just built walls so high around them and it’s almost impossible to open up again. That’s the fuckery of this world. We lose ourselves inside ourselves. No window through these walls and no chance for a door.

Most pople are like “you need to stop opening up, you need to stop sharing everything, you need to be mean, to be tough, to not give a shit, to hide, to stop caring, etc”. And all I think is “WHY?”

Fuck it, you don’t live my life. Why would anybody care. Why? I am who I want to be. And hell no, I’m not stupid. And if I am, at the end of the day it’s my burden to deal with. I hate being somebody that I’m not. If i’m enjoying, damn sure you’ll see it, if I’m happy you’ll see my smile like the Ecuador. If I want something, let me have it. The way I want it, not the way you want it.

Coming back to people that make me feel myself. Man, you have to agree that it’s so easy when you meet somebody and you can talk about things with honesty. When you can admit to everything without feeling that you’re being punished. When you can admit that you’re wrong without feeling guilty. When you can admit that you’re weak, that you’re frustrated, that your fuckin life is nothig you ever imagine it will be. It’s ok. It’s just fine. As long as you are finding peace within yourself and you can sleep at night, then screw everything else. Who will remember all this bullshit in the freakin afterlife?

And even if they do, then you’re a legend my friend. You did some epic shit in your life and most important you did whatever the hell you felt like. That’s freedom, that’s power, that’s you conquering all you goddamn fears. That’s next level shit.

Go for whatever the hell you want. We don’t live forever except the memory of others and only some of us will ve remembered.

You think I hide behind excuses? If I want to hide then you’ll never find out. Do you think I can’t make something disappear? But I choose not to do it. Simple as that.

I want something, I go for it. And one day when I’ll look back, with white hair and a wrinkled face, I’ll still have that sparkle in my eyes of a life fully lived. With good and bad. With everything in it. And I will live a long life, because it’s not meant to be forgotten too fast. I’m meant to sit in a rocking chair on a porch and smile when I look back in time.

Please God don’t send me Alzheimer’s.

So this is my vision. Wrong or right who cares? If you care you shouldn’t.

And then there are those people who raise that fuckin eyebrow up their forehead when they see you having fun and enjoying your life (and I’m talking here about close friends too) like they know better, like they know everything in life. First of all if you’re a friend be a friend till the end. I never stopped anybody from enjoying, from being unappologetically happy. Let’s be more supportive to being happy than being judgemental.

Let me smile because there were so many nights when I cried my heart out and I cursed the life inside my veins. There were way too many moments when I was ready to give up on everything and no, I don’t to tell about my life and I don’t need to have a sad look on my face for you to believe me. I went through shit that most of the people can’t even imagine. I know sadness in some of the deepest forms. In the shape of people and demons. In the depth of my heart, ripping apart my soul, my existence.

But I replaced it with this will of being alive and happy. I locked everything traumatizing inside myself and I decided to forget about it. It’s not that easy and you can call it a defence mechanism, you can call it a freudian shit or whatever you want but as long as it works i’m fine with it.

Anyway, it’s late. Arming myself.

It’s all love and late night petrol station writing shenanigans. Peace!

You have to be Don Quixote to fight the wind mills

It’s ok to try, it’s ok to hope but don’t waste your happiness on somebody who wants to be miserable. It’s ok to care, there’s nothing wrong with that, but some people just take advantage, they feel they have some sort of power over you. They only have that power because you let them and they are way too selfish to admit it. They think they caught you under their spell and they can do whatever they please.

It’s hard when that spell breaks, isn’t it?

But people who are just trying to catch others in their twisted traps, are nothing but tyrans. Don’t bring your happiness next to them because they’ll crush it. Instead of getting better they’ll make you worse, they’ll drain you. There’s no point fighting when there’s a web covering their thinking. These people will suck the last drop of affection from you because they can never get enough, they don’t feel secure enough, and just like vampires they need fresh blood.

Just forgive them and move on. It’s not that you are not good nough… maybe you’re too good. You did nothing wrong anyway. You just tried. You didn’t succeed because you didn’t know or you didn’t want, but because you were sabotaged, you weren’t given a real chance so there’s no point to look back.

As I always say and believe, there’s nothing wrong in giving, feeling or trying. No matter what the circumstances are. But don’t go that far to lose yourself for somebody else. Been there, done that before. Lesson learned.

The worst part is when you look at them as they are, and you like them just like that, plain and simple, and all they do is trying to be somebody else. They know you know them and they just keep on hiding themselves because they’re weak. And lonely.

Better be lonely on yourself than next to somebody. That’s the worst type of loneliness. When they’re next to you but galaxies away. Because that’s their choice. It’s weird that they know what food you don’t like and what’s your favourite number and then they just pretend you’re still nothing.

And one day you don’t answer. One day you just don’t care anymore and then everyhting changes. In their ego they never thought you’ll be strong enough to turn your back. They never thought their game is not good enough. How? It usually works, right?

And then they just spend their days wondering what they did wrong? What happened? Why such a sudden change? Without knowing how many times you felt exactly the same. Anyway they’ll never admit it, they’ll never fight for you, they’ll never let their real self out. They’ll avoid you because you hurt their pride and there’ no cure for that.

Anyway, just forgive and move on. Mind your own business, be your own self just as before because nobody in this life will ever know what’s in your heart and anyway they have no power to mend it. Don’t waste your time in situations like this just to become a bitter and damaged human being. There’s more to life than playing stupid games.

Be true to yourself and to others, you’re not going to live forever. Solitude is not forever, nothing is forever. But as long as you live do it in harmony, have fun, do what pleases you. We worry too much for temporary things. And always make sure you’re wanted, don’t waste your time fighting wind mills.

Know your worth and spread love, people! Love is all we need, to quote The Beatles.

It’s all love and evening writing shenanigans. Peace!

I’m on a (spring) roll

I would really like to write a book one day. Anyway I romanticize everything. I just want it to be magic and raw just like my favourite, Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Maybe later when this mind of mine will have some coherence. When I’ll come home and put my kids to sleep and have a glass of wine with my husband, write an hour or two and then go to bed.

Maybe later, when I will be mature and my heart will be tamed. Now there are too many impressions, too many flames burning. It’s not wise now. A book needs maturity and patience. I have neither.

I decided to write everyday if I can, just to practice, just to maintain it. Write about everything that comes to mind no matter what it is. Until my writing will become something else. Not just about me, but a smart plot and a logical series of events. Now it’s all chaos. I’m like a kid inside the toy store.

I was always attracted to literature, to writing, to the smell of books. I like classics and that type of classic romance, out of ordinary. I like the chase, the separation and then the glorious final. The fight and the tumult. Emotions and whirlpools. No soap operas for me even though real life tends to be more that way.

And the characters. Classic characters have always such a strong will and determination. They know what they want and they’ll go to hell and back for that. I got this from books, I know what I want and I know how to fight but nowadays nobody gives a damn about these things anymore. Nowadays is about leaving people “on read” and prove who is more superficial. Oh please1

I should have lived in Ana Karenina’s days or the french revolution. Those days of passions and no technology. I am grateful for technology but sometimes it just leaves us empty. Honestly now, we build relationships through Whatsapp when we should be out there face to face doing things that will keep us from being so fucked up. We should be out there being happy walking bare feet on the beach.

I’m talking non-sense right.

Technology is progress, I agree, but we are still humans last time I checked. All we want now is to be freakin cyborgs. Less feelings, more brainwashed. You just can’t find people to be free with. Nowadays everybody talks money and not much else. And shit.

Let’s go eat a burger and laugh at each other. Don’t mention how many calories my burger has or I’ll get up and leave. Can’t stand that in a man.

We are so focused on totally different values nowadays. We care about really silly things and we let principles and values go to hell. We miss big things just to regret it later. Our reasoning nowadays is faulty. We just don’t know how to human properly.

And all this “let’s see who answers slower”, “let’s act like assholes because people like assholes” is boring as fuck. We miss things doing this, we miss the beauty of life, when people could be together and could be doing things together. Oh, people are afraid that people won’t like them is they give in too easily. Well, newsflash, assholes out there, maybe it’s true for a while but in the end they’ll hate your arrogant asses.

See, I start like this, with an idea, I start calmly and then I’m triggered when entering this debate area and I pour letters in here. This just took me 10 min. I started typing so fast. I need to go out also :)))

Anyway, today’s rant ends here.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

Come to the dark side

We all have our perverted side…

It’s hard to write these days. I can’t focus and I lack excitement, not only for writing but in general. I can’t find anything to entertain me these days.

But you know, we have to keep the vibe, we have to keep on shining because this is how we reach at the end of each day. And, most important, we have to keep it behind closed doors, when there’s nothing and nobody around. Don’t throw that good vibe when you reach home, like an old jacket. If you were in a good mood, maintain it. Be self-sufficient. Don’t depend on external sources, just let the spring within flow. Create a placebo out of your happiness and vibes. Cure yourself.

As I said in the beginning, we all have our dark, perverted side. I was reading about a bulgarian monk, I think, Bogumil, that believed humans were given their soul by God and the body by the Devil, and so, created a continuous battle within.

Our bodies crave and lust while our souls still sparkle innocence. Nobody is completely bad, as we are born with the complete understanding of these two notions: Good and Bad. It’s the alpha and omega seed rooting deep within our souls for as long as universe. We know the difference between these two let’s not dive into philosophy.

And yeah, it feels damn nice sometimes to sin. Mmmm this bitter sweet, adrenalin flavoured smoothie. We do it on purpose, yes, don’t call for circumstances. But as I always say, you have to “Own that shit!”.

You made a mistake? Worry not my earthling. Own it! Take responsibility of what you did and don’t freaking hide behind your gloryhole making excuses. Yeah I said gloryhole. We all have one, because life doesn’t really care who’s behind when in the mood to release. Own that shit! Take it like a mothafoockin pro! There’s a lot more to come and that’s your job behind the wall.

Anyway, the more you run from your mistakes, the more they’ll haunt you! Bohooo you’ll hear in your head and heart like the saddest echo ever. And regret, ah man! Regret is the saddest thing that could happen to a human being, followed closely by self-pity. Snap out if it, it’s unhealthy, it’s distructive! You know how much time I spent with these two in my teenagehood? How much of a wreck have I become in time, loathing in smallness? And you know why? Because I always blamed others for my own mistakes. And sometimes I still do it, only to realize that I’m ashamed of myself after, and I need to fix it.

I became a wall in time. My paint still standing, my structure still strong. Steel skeleton. I can take a lot.

I’m deviating. I was talking about the dark side. Again, you have to admit that you have one. The easiest way to heal is to admit that you have the disease, or whatever the hell was the saying. Anyway don’t come to me saying you’re all saint. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Don’t pretend you don’t know your weaknesses or hidden intentions. Don’t pretend your sins are smaller than others’.

A real person will know who you are behind all your flaws. We should stop building this picture perfect selves and start being human. We live in the era of the greatest pretending of all times. We have this technology that allows us to fake every fookin thing mate! (yeah I like McGregor). We are fake and when we meet face to face our true colours show. Boom! we are not at all peachy and fuzzy, we are walking experiments of fuckery, and yet we are the greatest of all species.

Why would you like to be somebody else, pleasing people that you don’t like. Why would you be a fake ass in a world that’s already superficial as hell. And I’m not sure hell it’s superficial. It might be the realest thing ever happening to some of us and the loudest and latest wake up call for our fake asses.

” Here, let me bake ya fake arsholes, ya ungrateful c##ts.”

We all are at some point. Mean and sad little people snapping out of nowhere, spitting venom without any damn reason. We are all low at some point, but we have to stand up gracefully. Own it! How many times did I say this?!? Sorry my syndromes are kicking in.

I am raw lately and you know why, because I was hiding for so long in my shell and the worst part is that I was trying to please all the wrong people.

You know, nowdays, if I do something for you, I don’t expect anything in return. Yeah, if I am nice to any of you crossing my path daily, just know I’m nice because I want too. I am not making exceptions for anybody anymore. And if I give any of you more than the norm of chances, don’t think you’re special or that I’m stupid. It’s just me, this is how my heart and my brain work. Whatever I give is genuine, least food. I like food and I will not share :))))

My point is that sometimes I look at people and inside my head my little dwarfs inceasingly working, stop, take a break, have a Kit Kat, and think to themselves “Man, this is a fuckin potato pretending to be a kiwi!”. This is the extent some people reach, without knowing that when you’re hungry a potato is so much more fulfiling. I am looking for potatoes, for those people I really need in my life, for those people who’ll satisfy my french fries cravings. A potato is wonderful. Fattening, but again, freakin’ wonderful. Because, giving credit to some quotes, “Everything we like is fattening, illegal or doesn’t text back”.

Man I could blab tonight, and you know how I do it? I just build this amphitheatre in my head where I place all of you, and I just start speaking loud and clear. My “favourites” get the front row. And I’m a fun host, you have to admit it.

Should I quote tonight? I already did but I want something deeper.

My dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kids’ parties. Gary Busey

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Bye now!

 

It’s not a disclaimer, it’s an insight

Most of the times when I write I get carried away. I start from point A and I don’t follow a straight line, I build a net. Sometimes I find a line that I like, that strikes me, in a book or a song or even in my head and I start from there.

I get passionate after that and it might look like I am angry or upset but I am actully in bed writing peacefully. I get passionate about my ideas it’s true, and writing gives voice to them. I mean I just want to express myself. That’s my way.

Sometimes I write about how and what I feel but most of the times I love to write about general stuff, that applies to everybody. Sometimes it’s just something I imagine. Sometimes it’s a mix of a lot of stuff and sometimes I start writing inspired by others.

I used to write when I was younger in a very personal note. I used to write in Romanian and everything was more expressive. I think I wrote for about 3 years or more, on a regular basis. I wrote about people I know and they read it. Some of them had a revelation. Some of them still remember. Some of them disliked the honesty.

Anyway, I think it’s only about the power of letting your ideas flow. It’s a relief. I think a lot and sometimes certain thoughts won’t give me peace until I let them out. Sometimes an idea persists too long to ignore it. It gets stuck in my mind like a parasite.

You should see how many drafts I have saved, and some are more than a year older. Sometimes I am shy to publish them as they can be easily missunderstood. Sometimes they’re too naughty or harsh to be published. Sometimes those posts are about some people and I don’t want them to read it, even though I’m not always sure they’ll realize it’s about them. I go back and read my drafts for myself. Sometimes I am brave and publish them.

After all is my own virtual corner. And anyway confusion occurs no matter what. Sometimes I encrypt message and to be honest I have no idea if they reach where they supposed to.

Mostly I write for 2 reasons. When I overthink and when I find something I like to talk/write about. I write about personal experiences, of course, only because here I can really approach them the way I want to. I exhaust my ideas here.

Most of my great ideas or writing topics are sometimes occuring at times when it’s impossible for me to sit down and write. I try to keep my ideas until I can do so, but sometimes it’s just gone!

I used to write poetry back in the days, but it was way too romantic and could be easily considered cheesy. I wanted to write a book but I’m bad at dialogues and I can’t seem to find a subject to build around. I had a few ideas but they are still there… in Drafts.

Somehow I always come back to my experiences when it comes to write a book. Like a memoir or something. But my life should be discussed after I cease to exist :))

I think from now on I will add a quote that I like at the end of each post even if it’s not connected to what I wrote. I’m a sucker for quotes, that is!

What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how you remember it.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez (one of my favourites authors of all times).