Her chamber is locked

She looks at him with warmth

He’s so lost in what has been, in all those “what ifs”

He doesn’t seem to be very awake even though is clear daylight

His mind wonders but the touch of her hand awakens him

“Can this be true” he whispers to himself terrified

“Where is she?” He asks her in disbelief

“She’s there” she says, calmly pointing to his chest

And then her being covers his eyes

His mouth is full of her faith

His hands are digging her flesh

“Go away you sorcerer of grief” he nearly screams…


Wrote this in 5 minutes. It’s what may seem a sequel of “The right ventricle”. Somebody told me it should continue… I tried. This is what came up in a very brief and undisciplined attempt…

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

I’m on a (spring) roll

I would really like to write a book one day. Anyway I romanticize everything. I just want it to be magic and raw just like my favourite, Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Maybe later when this mind of mine will have some coherence. When I’ll come home and put my kids to sleep and have a glass of wine with my husband, write an hour or two and then go to bed.

Maybe later, when I will be mature and my heart will be tamed. Now there are too many impressions, too many flames burning. It’s not wise now. A book needs maturity and patience. I have neither.

I decided to write everyday if I can, just to practice, just to maintain it. Write about everything that comes to mind no matter what it is. Until my writing will become something else. Not just about me, but a smart plot and a logical series of events. Now it’s all chaos. I’m like a kid inside the toy store.

I was always attracted to literature, to writing, to the smell of books. I like classics and that type of classic romance, out of ordinary. I like the chase, the separation and then the glorious final. The fight and the tumult. Emotions and whirlpools. No soap operas for me even though real life tends to be more that way.

And the characters. Classic characters have always such a strong will and determination. They know what they want and they’ll go to hell and back for that. I got this from books, I know what I want and I know how to fight but nowadays nobody gives a damn about these things anymore. Nowadays is about leaving people “on read” and prove who is more superficial. Oh please1

I should have lived in Ana Karenina’s days or the french revolution. Those days of passions and no technology. I am grateful for technology but sometimes it just leaves us empty. Honestly now, we build relationships through Whatsapp when we should be out there face to face doing things that will keep us from being so fucked up. We should be out there being happy walking bare feet on the beach.

I’m talking non-sense right.

Technology is progress, I agree, but we are still humans last time I checked. All we want now is to be freakin cyborgs. Less feelings, more brainwashed. You just can’t find people to be free with. Nowadays everybody talks money and not much else. And shit.

Let’s go eat a burger and laugh at each other. Don’t mention how many calories my burger has or I’ll get up and leave. Can’t stand that in a man.

We are so focused on totally different values nowadays. We care about really silly things and we let principles and values go to hell. We miss big things just to regret it later. Our reasoning nowadays is faulty. We just don’t know how to human properly.

And all this “let’s see who answers slower”, “let’s act like assholes because people like assholes” is boring as fuck. We miss things doing this, we miss the beauty of life, when people could be together and could be doing things together. Oh, people are afraid that people won’t like them is they give in too easily. Well, newsflash, assholes out there, maybe it’s true for a while but in the end they’ll hate your arrogant asses.

See, I start like this, with an idea, I start calmly and then I’m triggered when entering this debate area and I pour letters in here. This just took me 10 min. I started typing so fast. I need to go out also :)))

Anyway, today’s rant ends here.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

The right ventricle

I tangled my fingers into his god-like beard

I followed the traces of his jaw bone, down his neck

That led me all the way to those two chambers of his heart

One for me and one for what was left of the other one.

I fortified my walls inside his beating hub

But at night I hear her knocking lonely from the other side

“I don’t want to die” she whispers…

“I’m not here to kill you” I add in the pulsing darkness.

*

*

Draft that I never convinced myself to publish. Some drafts just get all dusty in here. Some of them might never see the light.

It’s all love and late night (very late) shenanigans. Peace!

The way I like people

Nowadays people think you like them for a reason. That you hide something. We are after all perverted and doubt comes natural. Because we lie everyday about who we are and who we want to be.

But there’s a different kind of feeling, there’s a different kind of approach… the original one, the one we lost.

The pure one, without intention, without purpose.

It’s about people, man. We interact so much during a simple day and it’s the people we have around who can change our spirit. If we are surrounded by the right ones then we are lifted. And I want to talk about these people. And how I see them.

If I know something about me, is that I am a people’s person. If you ask me what I have most valuable I will give you a list of people. Not one name, a list. I love people and rarely it’s me chasing them out of my life. My heart is not perverted yet, and it’s still naive. I admit. You may think that I get hurt, I will say that I learn.

But I always win. Whatever comes from the heart is always above. If other people take advantage, I let them. It’s ok if they think they can trick people and then brag about it. One day they realize and they will realize what they lost. Story of my life. This is how I know I’m not losing. And I never take revenge. Somebody else is in charge of punishing.

I’m not saying I’m an angel. Not at all. But I preserved my heart. This is what matters for me. And it never failed me. And everybody knows that I don’t play games, and I don’t like to hurt people. It hurts me if I hurt them. Maybe sometimes it seems that it does not affect me, but it does. A lot. I am not the best at explaining myself but I am doing my best to avoid hurting, of any kind. I fail sometimes, maybe because of my short temper, maybe because of my sharp tongue,  but it’s not coming from my heart. I’ll put all my time and effort in somebody close to my heart.

And there are proofs anywhere. Especially with the people I loved, the people I dreamed of a life with. I usually give it all, until there’s nothing left. Then I take a break, get my battery charged and start all over again. It’s normal. I’m not the only one.

Somebody who just met me a few times (not a boyfriend, just a friend) told me that he doesn’t know much about me but he can tell that I give 100% in everything and probably that’s where my drama is… nobody can give it back… His words haunt me.

The thing is that I don’t want it back. I just want people to understand that I feel happy when they are happy. And when I’m happy, everybody can feel it. These small things make me happy. Just accept it. Don’t think about what you need to give me in return, just cherish what I share. I get a lot in return. I am blessed with good people around me. I even had strangers helping me when I most needed it. And that made my heart full. If a stranger who has no clue who I am, helped me or told me a good word, then there’s no reason for me not to share love with the ones I know.

Is not the words we speak everyday, is not the moments when we react or feel scared of ourselves, is our hearts that will be always in the light and will make everything else insignificant. Some people are insecure, they hide behind bullying, behind spite, jealousy or a poor opinion of themselves. Before I felt the same, but when I realized that I can do better than this, I left it all behind. Of course there are still exceptions, I can’t control it. I am trying my best. And I realized that I’m more peaceful, happier, my bad days are less, my sadness is less bitter.

I don’t like to play games. Those days are gone. It makes me hurt and I don’t want this for myself. I’m hunting for honesty lately, but I am bit disappointed. Not discouraged, just, I’ll admit it, very disappointed.

You’ll tell me that I’m really naive. But now you tell me: what should I do? Should I learn how to play games and become a piece of shit with other people, hurting them without any remorse or just try and try until I will find what I want, or until people realize that it’s a lot better on my camp. Call me whatever you want, but I will keep on trying.

It feels lonely but it’s ok. It feels lonelier next to people who are pretending. A lot lonelier. I can’t pretend. You’ll see it on my face when something is wrong. Same when I’m happy. It feels infinite times lonelier next to somebody who’s not honest, first of all, with themselves. They will destroy you searching for their power to be honest.

Anyway, one day somebody will fully benefit of this heart of mine. And if it’s not a human being I’ll get a dog. I’ll go take care of orphans. There are ways. I don’t regret anything. At the end of the day at least I don’t go to sleep thinking that I hurt somebody.

I try my best to fix my mistakes. I know precisely where my words and my actions come from and if I feel I did wrong, I’ll do my best to make it right. I go to bed with a friendly conscience. My demons haunt me for other deeds, not for this.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

 

 

Come to the dark side

We all have our perverted side…

It’s hard to write these days. I can’t focus and I lack excitement, not only for writing but in general. I can’t find anything to entertain me these days.

But you know, we have to keep the vibe, we have to keep on shining because this is how we reach at the end of each day. And, most important, we have to keep it behind closed doors, when there’s nothing and nobody around. Don’t throw that good vibe when you reach home, like an old jacket. If you were in a good mood, maintain it. Be self-sufficient. Don’t depend on external sources, just let the spring within flow. Create a placebo out of your happiness and vibes. Cure yourself.

As I said in the beginning, we all have our dark, perverted side. I was reading about a bulgarian monk, I think, Bogumil, that believed humans were given their soul by God and the body by the Devil, and so, created a continuous battle within.

Our bodies crave and lust while our souls still sparkle innocence. Nobody is completely bad, as we are born with the complete understanding of these two notions: Good and Bad. It’s the alpha and omega seed rooting deep within our souls for as long as universe. We know the difference between these two let’s not dive into philosophy.

And yeah, it feels damn nice sometimes to sin. Mmmm this bitter sweet, adrenalin flavoured smoothie. We do it on purpose, yes, don’t call for circumstances. But as I always say, you have to “Own that shit!”.

You made a mistake? Worry not my earthling. Own it! Take responsibility of what you did and don’t freaking hide behind your gloryhole making excuses. Yeah I said gloryhole. We all have one, because life doesn’t really care who’s behind when in the mood to release. Own that shit! Take it like a mothafoockin pro! There’s a lot more to come and that’s your job behind the wall.

Anyway, the more you run from your mistakes, the more they’ll haunt you! Bohooo you’ll hear in your head and heart like the saddest echo ever. And regret, ah man! Regret is the saddest thing that could happen to a human being, followed closely by self-pity. Snap out if it, it’s unhealthy, it’s distructive! You know how much time I spent with these two in my teenagehood? How much of a wreck have I become in time, loathing in smallness? And you know why? Because I always blamed others for my own mistakes. And sometimes I still do it, only to realize that I’m ashamed of myself after, and I need to fix it.

I became a wall in time. My paint still standing, my structure still strong. Steel skeleton. I can take a lot.

I’m deviating. I was talking about the dark side. Again, you have to admit that you have one. The easiest way to heal is to admit that you have the disease, or whatever the hell was the saying. Anyway don’t come to me saying you’re all saint. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Don’t pretend you don’t know your weaknesses or hidden intentions. Don’t pretend your sins are smaller than others’.

A real person will know who you are behind all your flaws. We should stop building this picture perfect selves and start being human. We live in the era of the greatest pretending of all times. We have this technology that allows us to fake every fookin thing mate! (yeah I like McGregor). We are fake and when we meet face to face our true colours show. Boom! we are not at all peachy and fuzzy, we are walking experiments of fuckery, and yet we are the greatest of all species.

Why would you like to be somebody else, pleasing people that you don’t like. Why would you be a fake ass in a world that’s already superficial as hell. And I’m not sure hell it’s superficial. It might be the realest thing ever happening to some of us and the loudest and latest wake up call for our fake asses.

” Here, let me bake ya fake arsholes, ya ungrateful c##ts.”

We all are at some point. Mean and sad little people snapping out of nowhere, spitting venom without any damn reason. We are all low at some point, but we have to stand up gracefully. Own it! How many times did I say this?!? Sorry my syndromes are kicking in.

I am raw lately and you know why, because I was hiding for so long in my shell and the worst part is that I was trying to please all the wrong people.

You know, nowdays, if I do something for you, I don’t expect anything in return. Yeah, if I am nice to any of you crossing my path daily, just know I’m nice because I want too. I am not making exceptions for anybody anymore. And if I give any of you more than the norm of chances, don’t think you’re special or that I’m stupid. It’s just me, this is how my heart and my brain work. Whatever I give is genuine, least food. I like food and I will not share :))))

My point is that sometimes I look at people and inside my head my little dwarfs inceasingly working, stop, take a break, have a Kit Kat, and think to themselves “Man, this is a fuckin potato pretending to be a kiwi!”. This is the extent some people reach, without knowing that when you’re hungry a potato is so much more fulfiling. I am looking for potatoes, for those people I really need in my life, for those people who’ll satisfy my french fries cravings. A potato is wonderful. Fattening, but again, freakin’ wonderful. Because, giving credit to some quotes, “Everything we like is fattening, illegal or doesn’t text back”.

Man I could blab tonight, and you know how I do it? I just build this amphitheatre in my head where I place all of you, and I just start speaking loud and clear. My “favourites” get the front row. And I’m a fun host, you have to admit it.

Should I quote tonight? I already did but I want something deeper.

My dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kids’ parties. Gary Busey

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Bye now!

 

Custom-made defence mechanism

We all create them, consciously or not. We need them because life is full of terrors. We need a self-defence mechanism… to protect us from ourselves. Otherwise our thoughts will drown us, will suffocate us, will eat us alive like a gangrene.

When in despair, some people find comfort in sleep, because they actually stop participating in real life while others push themselves with physical activities building more strenght, both mental and pshysical. Some people drink until they don’t know what happened to them and some just fall into the darkest depression, walking around comatose, just to come back to life with no memories.

I used to worry a lot. A lot more than now. I used to get so stressed about things and even spend my nights crying in vain, without knowing or realizing how bright next day will be. Because there is always a way out. This is what I didn’t realize back then. That the solution to all my troubles is not far and being negative doesn not help me or my situation. At all.

In time I developed my defence mechanism. You’ll laugh but I clean when I’m stressed. I start cleaning every single corner of the house and I will turn every single thing upside down. It’s an OCD cleaning. I’ll arrange every single thing in perfect order and I will not miss a single spot.

While I’m cleaning, my mind is debating. On and on and on. If I’ll just sit in one place, maybe my head will explode. Like this, at least my body is doing something else without being paralized by the power of my mind.

I keep on cleaning and I keep on thinking about things that happened, that will happen, that will never happen and so on. I will reach to every single detail and I will twist every single side of the story. My mind will work so hard that I’ll produce electricity. And while my hands are at work my mind works even harder but then, all of a suden, I have to stop and think “How do I arrange the jars back in the cupboard? Where did this nice cup came from, I almost forgot about it! That wall needs a painting or at least a poster. The clothes need a different arrangement on the rack.”

Slowly I will get lost in these deatils and the clouds of my grey matter will disolve. Peace will be restored by coming back to basics. The electrical storm is finally cooling down and I can relax. And I relax. Maybe by the time I  finish you’ll find me dancing or mumbling song fragments. I will anihilate my own mind for a while. This destructive fluffy beast. And my house will be clean, most of the times.

Sometimes I’m the opposite, I make a mess, I ruin what I build and I think that this is my mind’s way of saying “I’m still in control, don’t fool yourself”. Because at time we are supposed to break down, just to stand up and move on. Fierce. Brave. 100 times more.

I’m not cleaning that much nowadays, or maybe not with the same OCD drive. I don’t need it that much anymore, because now I discovered the meaning of “Everything has a solution” and I transformed it into religion. Yes, religion. Belief.

No matter what will happen today, the solution is just around the corner and it never failed me. Even if the solution is temporary, it’s still a… solution. I always see the bright side when everything turns dark and in time I became imune to tragedies. I just say to myself and to everybody “It will all be fine”. Even when it’s not. And when is not I move on. We all move on. We have no limits, this is what we don’t acknowledge.

This doesn’t mean I don’t feel or that I am im,passive to everything around me, I am just reducing the stress factor. It doesn’t mean I’m the happiest. By far. I still worry but in a controlled manner. I worry wisely if that makes any sense. I suffer but I do it in silence if I don’t get the chance to express myself. And if I do get the chance to take it all out, then it’s gone.

This is another thing I do. I speak whatever is on my mind and heart. Mosttly I speak my heart than my mind. My mind is not that fun, but my heart, oh! that’s a fun ride. But I don’t want to burden it, so I just take everything out. I clean inside my atrium and then I move to the ventricle. I make sure the air is breathable again, because these two chambers are filled with dust sometimes. Don’t let the dust settle, it will be hard to clean it after. I open the windows and I let the airflow dust away. I open my mouth and the draft does the job.

I keep it young, I keep it pure and I don’t let old demons inside. Ok, maybe I kept a few but I turned them into allies. I keep them as precious paintings on the walls. And you know why? Because one day these two rooms of my heart will be inhabited by somebody who will fill the space. And it will be space, because I don’t hoard. It will be a brand new five star hotel, on an old plot, but it will give the best services. This heart is as good as new because it never ceases to give love. It never measures what it gives, it just gives. It’s still wild and it’s still raw and there’s nobody on earth to command it, not even me.

I just make sure it has everything it needs.

Ok, enough with my speech. Time for the quote.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

It’s all love and late night (not that late today) writing shenanigans. Bye now!

 

 

There’s a price

Maybe I was raised like this. Or maybe I developed this belief in time. I don’t know; but I believe that there’s a price for everything. For every single moment of happiness, for every smile, for every good thing in your life, you have to give something back.

I’m not saying this with sadness or with superstition I’m saying this with something rather awful: resignation.

Sometimes the thought of paying for something good in my life is actually ruining that good thing, preventing me from enjoying it. I can’t stop thinking “This is too good to be true and it will never last”. But I also noticed that when something bad happens, soon enough good comes along. There’s some sort of a balance… if I can call it that.

I believe we get what we deserve. Then somebody said “Do we? Do you believe in Judgement Day? There are good people that don’t get anything their entire life and then they die.”

It made me think. I used to believe that you get what you deserve based on a simple fact: if you fight/ask/go for it. If we stick around and wait for things to be given to us than it will never happen. Go get it and if you deserve it, you will succeed. It’s about the nerve, the guts.

Waiting for your turn does not really apply in my opinion. People with initiative get things done. They cross their limits. My only throwback is that I believe in destiny, if it’s meant or not meant to be and I tried to fight it a few times (more than few actually) and I paid for my stubborness.

Now this is where I clash. There’s a contradiction right here, between “get it no matter what” and “it’s in the hands of destiny”. This is where my crossroad is and I am still in the middle of the intersection.

It’s busy in my head. I remember random things and I start analyzing them. A lot. I debate with myself on how it’s supposed to be and I create principles and ideas. I am flexible thoug, come with strong arguments and I’ll give it another thought. I believe in discussion and conversations, in words and meanings.

I can talk anytime. I can form an opinion even on something I don’t know much about, without being considered ignorant.

Back to the price… is not that we don’t deserve to be happy, but us, humans, in our nature, are self-distructive. We do things to ourselves and to others. We like pain and drama, we have this weird cravings for BDSM with life.

We lose our way sometimes, and some of us don’t find it back. I’m not sure yet if I got what I deserve. I look back though and for the bad times I got some pretty awesome ones in return. I know some great people who helped me along the way. And people are the key.

I did some bad things, not always intentionally and now it’s where I’m stuck again, because even though I felt like I got my karma dose, I am not really sure if the punishment matched the crime. I will defend myself, I will find excuses just like everybody else but I can’t stop asking myself from time to time if it was enough or if it’s yet to come. Here is where I shudder… if it’s yet to come. Because damn sure nobody’s ready.

But you just wait. This is how it works. And it will come.

No good deed left unpunished. Proverb

And this is for an antagonic end, as we all are.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Bye now!

Mutual concession – Chapter 1

I used to write a lot. Then I stopped because I felt I am getting too dark and depressed. I started again on a more positive note and somehow what I write is not about revealing anymore, but about understanding.

Above all this, what I always wanted to do, was to write a book. But man, I can’t write a proper dialogue. While you find elaborate dialogues in books, mine sound like “potato, tomato”.

Below there’s a draft I wrote, maybe 2 years ago, an attempt to 50 Shades of Gabriela :)))


“Make me remember it. Nothing too big or too romantic but just make a memory out of it. It will help me pass some bad times…”


He hugs her from behind, all full of lather and she feels his muscular body moulding against hers.

She was taking a shower and while shampooing her hair, lost in thoughts, she didn’t even notice him in the bathroom. He then opened the shower cabin door and started washing his body right next to her. His hands came to reach her shoulders and pulled her out of her thoughts. His embrace was firm but tender. He wasn’t showing much of his feelings; actually at all, but he had moments when his actions were so loud that words wouldn’t be as clear.

His hands went up her neckline and then slowly down her arms. He then measured her waist and slowly but surely found the way down to her navel. He’s not a patient man and…

***

She dries her hair pensively with a towel while he’s on the sofa watching tv. She sees him in the mirror. Yeah, in time everything will be fine. He will be fine…

She sits on the sofa next to him and he doesn’t even bother to move his gigantic body. He knows she’ll find a place next to him. She’ll squeeze somewhere next to his chest or under his lazy arm. She looks at him and he throws a quick glance back at her with some sort of smile in his eyes.

“What?” he says, trying to seem insecure, pretending he’s shy as a schoolgirl when somebody stares a bit longer. As if he doesn’t know he’s a handsome man… And all the women out there daydreaming every time they see him and yet he’s there on the sofa with her.


“So what do you think?” she asks. He looks at her and smiles again. “Why don’t you sleep. It’s late and you have to wake up early” he says.

That’s all she will get for now. She knows. Later on, when he’ll be done browsing the internet or watching whatever tv channel he’ll slowly come to bed next to her, hugging her under the cover. That hug means he’s fine where he is. He can’t really show affection.

When she’ll wake up, snoozing the alarm a thousand times, he’ll open his eyes and with a grumpy face he’ll mumble something. He’ll try to fall back asleep but eventually he’ll wake up, take his phone and start scrolling. Sometimes he’ll watch her, a bit undercover, how she gets dresses and how she moves around the place getting ready for work.


“Good night” she says and she can’t decide if she should give him a kiss or not. She tries to make a move and he pretends that nothing happened. She aims for the lips but settles for the cheek. He turns. He’s not hostile. He gives her a childish kiss. He smiles with his eyes again.

She goes to bed and she thinks about this for a while. Her heart is heavy somehow, but she knows he agreed to it. He’ll come to bed later…

I can see through you, I got X-ray

We make impressions about everybody around us. This is what we do. Inevitably.

Sometimes these impressions match everybody else’s. Basically, we all agree that some people are bad, good, funny, annoying etc. Sometimes there are exceptions. You really need a different approach to read some people. You need to enter their world to understand there’s always more to discover.

Once you see the good in somebody you can’t see them any other way. You can’t fake being good. You can fake anything else but not this. Or I’m very naive. We are all innocent in the beginning, our choices, later on, change us.

Sometimes people use defence mechanisms to hide their insecurities, or they simply think that being good means being weak. So they show everybody this tough, “I don’t give a shit” attitude thinking that this is the right way. Then they act surprised when people think poorly about them. What did you expect when you act like a douche most of the times.

And when somebody reaches to them, then everything changes. They like it, in the beginning, they finally throw the mask off. They can be themselves for a second. A breath of fresh air for a damn change. The only throwback is that like this they think they’re weak. They start to enjoy being themselves, they start to enjoy intimacy a bit too much so they have to restart the defence mechanism.

Sad. It’s sad because you get to know people in a way and it’s hard to fight for them when they’re convinced they should act their way in life. And then they always throw in your face the same immature words “nobody asked you to”. Childish.

Then you let them be. Because the change should come from them. But they are busy getting recognition from everybody else but you. Because you saw them weak. You felt them warm and humane and they’re ashamed of that. You saw them smiling and you saw them happy, carefree, you saw them looking at you differently and now they deny it, they pretend they forgot.

You move on even though you felt all that and it’s hard to have hard feelings after you had an insight. You are bothered when somebody says something bad about them, but in time you realise that there’s no other way. You have to let go.

But you can never turn against them. They make your heart warm when you look at them. They’re helpless and you know that.

 

 

You want to make it easy, so you lie…

I wish there was an easier way when dealing with people. I wish we could tell what we feel without any hesitation. It will spare a lot of wasted time and a lot of heartbreak.

I wish we could see people as they are, without judging their habits, their beliefs and most important I wish we could see people without being influenced by the opinion of others.

Didn’t it happen to you? To meet somebody and think they’re awesome and then hear some gossip or a bad-intentioned person saying something bad about them in the attempt to change your attitude towards them? The worst part is that you believe what you hear and start judging, you start ignoring your first impression (which is the real one) and replace it with an induced one, coming from people who sometimes don’t even know who or what they’re talking about.

If you know somebody your way keep it like that. Don’t let anybody tell you different. In time you will know if they’re genuine or not. We’ve all done some things we’re not proud of, but this is not our essence. What defines us is what we do repeatedly. Our exceptions are there only to confirm our true nature. If I’m smiling most of the time and I frown from time to time, what am I? Happy or sad? Yeah, I might also be hiding behind my mask but that’s a different story.

But see, this is the problem. Some people will only notice that frown or when you’re angry or when you’re sad. They’ll ignore anything else and they’ll say that you are an angry person, or that you’re over-emotional. People like exceptions, they feed themselves on it. People love seeing the dark side of a story because it’s more exciting, it brings some adrenaline in their shallow lives. They will always remember your mistakes. They will say ” yeah, they are good but remember that time when they got it wrong?”. And they’ll be happy with that time. It means you are better than them but not the best yet.

I know extraordinary people being talked about on a daily basis. The stories you hear? It’s crazy! Jealous people invent the craziest shit. They can’t be themselves and they just start throwing dirt. This is us, people. Gossip and malice. We turn good people into monsters because that’s our vibe – negative, self-destructive, low.

The worst part is that other people believe it. Rarely you will find people who will not let themselves influenced. Rarely you will find somebody who will stand up for you. Because we are damn cowards. We act like we are saints and point fingers at others so we can hide our misery, our smallness. We do the most disgusting things when nobody’s watching and then we dare taking our heads out like snakes hissing for some prey.

We lose people like this. I fought more times for others than for myself. I fought for people that were generally perceived as being horrible. But I didn’t find them horrible so I didn’t care. These people ended up hurting me and when I was most entitled to think the same as everybody else, I found excuses for them. I kept them, even though it was hard, but I did it because once you see the good in somebody it’s hard to ignore it.

Then, again, people make mistakes. Show me somebody who doesn’t! And it’s not because they want to or they plan to. It just happens. We have to learn to open our eyes. People most of the times end up in some fucked up situations against their will. There are the exceptions if course. There are bad people too. But most of the people end up being screwed without even being aware of it. This doesn’t make them bad. If they do it again, with full responsibility, that makes them bad and even then, there’s a grey area. But “bad” is such a strong word. There are no completely bad people or I’m very naive.

I am a people’s person. I don’t know what else to be. I tried focusing on things, on something else but it’s people who are giving life a different meaning. It’s human interaction that makes everything so special. It’s the people you meet in this lifetime that leave a mark on you and your heart. Not money, not things.

Every single one of us has somebody special in their lives. Be it somebody they interact with still or just a memory, it’s alsmost most of the times a human being. We are interconnected and yet we choose to act like we don’t give a flying shit about anybody.

We try to act like we are self sufficient and we don’t need no damn help. Pride, vanity, they’re all there to make us believe we are some sort of superhumans. You know what we are? Nothing! Our flesh will be food for maggots one day and our memory will fade away in time. You know what we are? Frail! This is what we are. We are so sensitive and broken on the inside that nothing can ever fix us.

Why are we so proud? Because we are insecure. Why vanity? Because we crave recognition and freakin attention from everybody. Why we talk about others? Because most of the times we are missing something in our own lives.

I hear these things like “I can’t forgive” and I wonder who these people think they are? Gods? You can forgive if you stop your judging ass from criticizing everything and everybody. Forgivness is God’s job don’t act like you are a big deal. That’s why we’re bitter because we can’t forgive. We can’t forgive ourselves and we can’t forgive others. That’s why we are depressed and anxious. We think we’re the shit with our small daily dramas. We think we are something else when the only thing we should be is grateful and humble.

No I’m not preaching. Or yes I am! I can’t practice what I preach. But I try. I try to keep myself anchored to the ground. I forgive even though sometimes I don’t forget. Cliché anyways, there’s nothing that time can’t heal. I’ll forgive and forget everything if I stop being an uptight arse. I recommend you do the same.

I heard the craziest stories. I saw the craziest situations. I saw people acting and I thought to myself “oh, here goes the Oscar for the leading part”. We are so vain. We prefer losing people instead of trying to understand them.

Did you notice? We always hurt the people who are good to us. We hurt those who, we think, are weak. No. Those people who are good to us are the strong ones, because they see our flaws and still choose to stick around. Those people see what we don’t see in us and they forgive us for everything we ever did. We step on them because we are stupid. I can’t find another word. We choose to hurt them instead of explaining them that the problem is actually within ourselves. We let them think they are not good enough when they are actually better than us. We show them nothing because we are weak. We let them lose sleep at night thinking what they did so wrong to deserve the silence. Silence hurts. Silence is, most of the time, a lie. Truth has a voice and a way all the time. At the end of the day is shining bright.

I just don’t understand why we prefer losing people instead of talking to them about our concerns, about our fears. Even if their answer is not the one we want, we can open new galaxies when we speak honestly. Why does everything have to be so goddamn weird?

Where is the love people, because everything else, you all seem to know how it’s done.