Wait for it

I just look at myself sometimes and I want to slap my face and scream from the bottom of my lungs “WHAT DO YOU WAAAAANT”.

Nothing makes you happy. Nothing. When it’s like this, you want it like that. When it’s like that you want it like this. You get what you want and then you don’t want it anymore. You have issues! Big ones!!! How can you ever be happy like this?

And stop thinking. Stop f#cking thinking because it will be the end of you. Why can’t you be normal? Why can’t you stop seeking fantasies and be goddamn normal?

And then I’m like “Nah! Just do your thing gurl! Be a freaking unicorn if you have to!”

End of the story. Good night!

It’s all love and experimental shenanigans. Peace!

Advertisements

The urge of finding out

God sometimes I’m so awkward. I just say the most weird things when it’s really not the case. God! And the problem is I really don’t mean them. I don’t meant to make them sound as they do. They just come out of my mouth. Is anybody else having the same problem?

Really, it’s frustrating. I’m not a person who loves double meaning and stuff. I like things straight. And they always come out twisted. Christ! I’m the master of disaster!

I really don’t mean it, and here I am being all awkward. With the wrong people. I want to give myself an award for being such a weirdo. I’m just a real calamity.

I should shut up. I don’t even know why I start some conversations. I should just be quiet. But it’s just that part of me that wants to see where I stand. I guess I get my answers sometimes. It’s not always what I want or when I want. I should get used to this. I can’t always get what I want.

Most of the times I do. That’s where the confusion is. I always get what I want and it becomes a habit. No Gaby, things are not always the way you picture them. And sometimes you’re just bored. This is what kills me. Boredom. But it’s natural. It happens to everyone. Is not always thrilling and adventurous as we picture it to be. Sometimes we just have to be happy with what we have.

But I always want what I can’t have. Speak about the drama. I am such a spoiled brat. I am used to have all these exciting things happening and I forget that sometimes are not even right. Or moral… Call it as you want. I just love the unusual. I just love the fear and the adventure. It has to give me that adrenaline dose that I love so much. It has to be forbidden. That’s why I’m not settled, because I love the unknown too much. Or the most familiar. It will take a good shrink to decipher all this.

And it’s fun you know. But it’s such a contradiction because I never know where I stand. Do I want to know where I stand. I’m bored. I want some fun. It’s been a while since I felt the thrill of it. I’m such a stubborn person. So easily offended when I don’t get what I want. What do I want though?

I’m not easy to please because I don’t want to. I have layers and layers that I shed at all times. And I love it like this. You’ll never know what pleases me now and what pleases me after a moment. But there’s one thing I know. I want it only my way. And my way is not boring at all. You should just let me have it. Give me that space that makes me comfortable. And then magic will happen. If you shut me down I’ll never react. I just need to feel secure. And then there’s magic.

And to be clear my intentions are never bad. You can rest assured that I don’t want, I never wanted and I will never want to cause harm. I’m just perverted and my aims are not to destroy. I aim to please. It’s all carnal. It’s all about the sense. All the senses. But I know there have to be limits because what I can unleash is not easy to handle.

And people are always afraid. Especially when they act like they don’t.

And in the same time I love stability. Now you tell me how everything I just said before can match this statement. Where’s the middle way here?

I have no clue. It’s like I want to have that Bonnie and Clyde kind of thing but… legal. Too much Freud inside my head. How can I ever find peace? Because in 31 years I never found it. I’m a vampire searching for the elixir that gives the power of walking in daylight. I’m searching for a myth.

But I guess I’ll make do with the first part until I find the latter. I’m just fine with trying. I just wish I wasn’t misunderstood. Damn I wish I could be clearer and things will just fall into place. But then that’s the beauty of it… not getting what you want… when you want.

This being told, I guess I’m just going to be my awkward self until that day comes and somebody will see it as a treasure. Because I am one.

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

In them thirties

So, recently I turned 31. Not a biggie. Still single. Still crazy. The road to become a genuine cat lady it’s at its glorious start. I already have 2 babies. See, see! this is the thing. When you call them babies. Just joking. They’re feline friends as far as I’m concerned and I slightly love them. Slightly.

Agonizing. I should stop.

Anyway, I was thinking about this ride from thirty to thirty one. Everybody says OeMGi, thirty is a new step, a different one, a more mature one, bla bla and blu blu. To be honest when I turned thirty I felt Twenty. Gloriously twenty! So, to act accordingly I started being a late adolescent. If in the past I managed to be more grown up, apparently I lost that aptitude when I turned thirty.

I did a lot of freakin shit! That’s what I did. I allowed myself to fall for somebody just like an adolescent, I dramatized, I became the most popular girl in school and so on.

I realized that I have a lot of friends though, and that they genuinely love me. That’s the best thing I realized. And I gave myself a break. This is what I actually did for a year. I had a vacation without guardians. And it felt good, liberating. It felt like I’m brand new.

I travelled a lot. I visited 3 new countries. I reached a total of 13 countries. And counting, hopefully. I baptized my niece, the cutest little angel. I spent more time with people that matter.

I found a cypriot God, in it’s shiniest shape and with the purest of hearts. And I was happy! Oh God I was happy like I haven’t been in ages. For what can possibly be, the only time in my life when I met a person who is all sunshine and candies. I swear to all Gods of Olympus, his presence could heal a terminal disease. A soul with no traces of perversion. He added at least 10 years to my life, in case I won’t destroy it with drugs and rock’n’roll.

I fell for a guy who vanished. Platonically! Unfortunately. Haha yeah I’m nasty. Half Chinese, half Native American. Now how freakin sexy is that?! Yeah I regret it was platonically! Man I was ready to do things for him. But, he just teleported to a different movie. Ninja kind of way.

But my pact with the devil was still on. And the devil takes his tribute. Always. He tormented and haunted me. He left marks on my skin and under it. He took those 10 years from me. Until one day… I exorcized him, only to let him come back later when I thought I was cured. Now I just learn to live with him. He hisses and tries to drown me back in sorrow with foul words. Your force is not with you anymore, Vader! Muhahaha! You are not my daddy anymore.

Yeah, I mentioned in the beginning I’m crazy.

I’ve been to weddings because I like them. I’ve been to two. I love to see hope. I sometimes imagine mine. I will dance a lot and my husband will cry at my speech. That’s it, that’s what I have till now. Ah, and my brother will give me away.

I partied like crazy. Why? Well, a question I hear a lot. First of all because I never got to enjoy myself as I should when I was young. And back then I was the unpopular one, the bullied one. And when I finally got rid of that, I was broke. And after that I was a babysitter. So, see, life’s a bitch.

But yeah, I enjoy myself and the things I like as much as I can, as much as I still have time. So I can be ready to settle. I don’t want to miss things, I don’t want to regret wasted time. So whatever I like to do, I simply do. Not a big deal. I give myself a break from all this shitty boundaries of what and when you can do things. And if I’ll never settle you’ll see me in Vegas 2 times a year. Joking. 3 times. Haha, no, of course I’ll settle. Because I want to have what I never had. A proper family. Dear relatives, before you cast me away, please note I said “proper” family. Ah shit, now you’ll do it for what I just said.

All my life I wanted it, but, as I said before life’s a bitch, and here I am at 31, becoming almost immune to alcohol. Joking, I don’t drink. Haha, not everyday, fortunately. Whenever I had a relationship I thought that’s it. That things will settle, that we can start to build. Probably that’s why none of them worked. Because I started with this thought. And when everything turned to shit I became the opposite. Wolverine. Haha, I wish.

I am not chickening out, I am just skeptic and even though I am really sad to admit it, afraid. I’m afraid man. Of everybody and everything. But I have a stupid bravery and I keep on trying. And man, I swear to God, my hope shines brighter than fireworks on New Year. It’s like I have a gland of hope in my body. I just produce hope and hope and hope and hope. One day I’ll have a hope attack.

Anyway, these are things and thoughts that I sometimes sit on, and even though they seem a bit dark I’m enjoying life as it is. I do, in my own way. But I love myself more, and I’m happy that I still find humanity inside this body.

I developed a lot of mischievous traits in time, it’s true. Life didn’t spare me the metamorphosis of innocent me into being a little douche. Yeah I can be that, too. Unfortunately. Work in progress.

The thing is that I’m well educated and street educated. That’s half good and half bad. Why? Because I’m half boy. Haha gotcha!

Drifting away. I’m tired and it’s late. I have trouble sleeping lately. I thought I passed it, but yet insomnia slowly works its way back.

To close this mental journey through my last couple of months I have to tell you that I let my heart get what she wanted. I went for everything I liked. Only that sometimes I was given half. And now, the beast wants the other half. Hmm, nonsense you’ll say. Not at all, fellow readers, not at all.

My conclusion, now, after a year full of happenings? I’m definitely going to hell as Satan’s wife. Anyway, I like hot weather.

And I have an army of people who love me! All jokes aside! Thank you awesome people for being there. Infinite gratitude.

P.S. I hope you all read this the way I imagined. If not you’ll be confused as heck!

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

Mom, I’m fine

Now that I have your attention:

First of all, I want to share with you some good news – I bought my own domain recently so now I’m inthenightair.com. I don’t know if you care, but I do! Getting serious about all this writing thing… I think. You’ll never know with me. When I start to like something I immediately start to have an aversion to it. Yeah makes no sense. Let’s move on.

Second of all, something funny happened today. My mom asked me if I’m fine because she saw a post on the blog and she thought I sound disappointed and sad.

No mom, I’m not disappointed nor sad, I just write, and even though I have a tendency to write a lot about feelings it’s not always something i’m feeling at that moment. Sometimes I keep a subject in my head for weeks. Sometimes I even write it down so I won’t forget it.

Of course those subjects are also inspired by reality because most of the time I’m subjective in my posts, but it doesn’t mean that what I write is happening at that exact time.
Most of the times I’m euphoric and sometimes, just sometimes, angry, when I write. Ok I’m also disappointed and sad sometimes. But JUST sometimes.

I can’t always write about funny stuff, even though I like to do that too. My mom said she’ll love to read funny posts all the time. Haha relax mom I’m not that upset and I promise I’ll write about fun stuff soon. I actually have something on the pipeline.

What can I do, my mom has access to the internet… Together with other members of my family who are probably thinking I’m a wreck.

Nah. I’m good. I just like romantic shit and I like to disect feelings. The real deal is never published. Some people know I keep the realest posts hidden.

Too much subjectivity might hurt sometimes. I also mix some fiction in my posts strictly for embelishment purposes, but not too much. Sometimes it’s my imagination or my hidden desires. Man, i’m experimenting. Whatever you read it’s a test until I find my way and I polish my talent. I think you’ll all know the difference then.

From time to time I write about feelings or memories long gone, just because they pop somewhere in the back of my head like popcorn. I’m very disorganized I know, and no, I’m not putting real effort to change it. Simple. Let it flow as it is. Might be messy in the beginning but then it becomes a lot better.

I also noticed that all these touching posts bring a lot of reaction. People start reacting on the blog from the first minutes. I can see I’m touching the sensitive chords of my audience.

If you ask me, I love to write about feelings. I find it beautiful. I find it rich in everything. Aesthetically you have so much space to develop the writing, the language, the effects. It’s truly creative.

And I do think that we all have a sensitive side and deep inside we like to read emotional texts. I have to admit I used a few texts to manipulate and mislead but only I know where and when and who. Ok and a few other people. Hahah, yeah I get caught sometimes.

So, see. Mystery solved. I’m not at the end of my despair. I’m just feeding my blog. Got it mom?

How cool is she! Love you mom!

On a serious note yeah I find various subjects in day to day life. And that’s about it. My true writings are on a different blog. Hahaha no. I barely maintain this one. I could never keep two. Seriously. No. Seriously.

It’s all love and petrol station (again) writing shenanigans. Peace!

Writer’s unblock

I am one of those people who believe they are good at everything. Haha, I know, I can be an infatuated asshole. As though I’m good at a lot of things, obviously I’m not good at everything. For a long time I struggle to find out what I like the most. What I really want to do in life, and man, that turns out to be a headache.

I believe so much in myself that I can even imagine myself a ballerina, but yeah, that’s really too late. I took a make up course while in Romania and I even have an internationally acredited diploma to certify that. I think I left it England where I used to be a babysitter. Then I went to Greece and worked my way up as a waitress in the VIP restaurant.

I, then came to Dubai and struggled from waitress in a horrendous place to hostess in a fine dining restaurant. From there i transitioned to a real estate company where I was initially a receptionist turned Short Term Rentals in charge and the Marketing Coordinator. Oh, I forgot to tell you that in Romania I was working in construction companies.

My background is Economics, but there is no relation between us whatsoever. I am literally sickened by my years in university and even though I barely missed a day of highschool, I skipped half of university time. I was also working during university, so yeah, I started to enjoy work more than economics. But some of the things I learned there stayed with me and, let’s say, gave me some knowledge about certain situations. If I look back is not really Economics that I hated but other courses. Techology of Communication, that I gloriuosly failed three times, is one of them, and it actually convinced me that I don’t need a diploma. And I’m diplomless let’s say.

Oh, and I worked for a local newspaper for about six months. That was probably something I enjoyed the most in my life.

Over the years, even though I’m more unstable than Elizabeth Taylor when it comes choosing a path, I realized that there is something that never left my side. Writing. I used to write when I was young(er) and then, even though I took long breaks, I continued. I am writing quite a lot these days, as you can see.

Few years ago I enrolled in British College of Journalism and got my accreditation. I am a Freelance Journalist with diploma and Press Pass. Now, this is something I should work on. Yeah, it looks that I talk to myself.

I don’t know if I’m that talented, but one of my dreams is to publish something. But then again, I don’t know where to start, as I am split between monologues, simple absurdities and sometimes free verses. Ah, you must also know that I hate free verses, but as I am a person who most of the times does the exact opposite of what they preach, here I am madly in love with free verses. Why I love perfect rhyme? Because I have OCD. I think free verse is a way of fighting it.

Most of the times I’m shy to post what I write. Yeah it might sound shocking but it’s true. In time, though, I became bolder and even though I forgot a lot of it, I decided to start a blong in English, for a bigger audience. I started to write quite a lot these days because, as everything else, writing needs practice too. And I also want to observe the response.

What I noticed is that my saddest posts are the most successful. Noticeably more likes and more views than any other topics I approach. I don’t know if people are more susceptible to this kind of posts or they just appreciate the fact that you pour your heart out. Don’t know, I’m experimenting.

Posts about love are also top of the list. When it comes to love, it’s tricky. Most of the times I embellish it, I twist it.

Abyway, I have a new little something to work on and it makes happy at the moment. As I said befor, one of my burning wishes is to be published.

And I’ll find somebody to proofcheck my posts.

It’s all love and after work writing shenanigans. Peace!

Her chamber is locked

She looks at him with warmth

He’s so lost in what has been, in all those “what ifs”

He doesn’t seem to be very awake even though is clear daylight

His mind wonders but the touch of her hand awakens him

“Can this be true” he whispers to himself terrified

“Where is she?” He asks her in disbelief

“She’s there” she says, calmly pointing to his chest

And then her being covers his eyes

His mouth is full of her faith

His hands are digging her flesh

“Go away you sorcerer of grief” he nearly screams…


Wrote this in 5 minutes. It’s what may seem a sequel of “The right ventricle”. Somebody told me it should continue… I tried. This is what came up in a very brief and undisciplined attempt…

It’s all love and late night writing shenanigans. Peace!

Custom-made defence mechanism

We all create them, consciously or not. We need them because life is full of terrors. We need a self-defence mechanism… to protect us from ourselves. Otherwise our thoughts will drown us, will suffocate us, will eat us alive like a gangrene.

When in despair, some people find comfort in sleep, because they actually stop participating in real life while others push themselves with physical activities building more strenght, both mental and pshysical. Some people drink until they don’t know what happened to them and some just fall into the darkest depression, walking around comatose, just to come back to life with no memories.

I used to worry a lot. A lot more than now. I used to get so stressed about things and even spend my nights crying in vain, without knowing or realizing how bright next day will be. Because there is always a way out. This is what I didn’t realize back then. That the solution to all my troubles is not far and being negative doesn not help me or my situation. At all.

In time I developed my defence mechanism. You’ll laugh but I clean when I’m stressed. I start cleaning every single corner of the house and I will turn every single thing upside down. It’s an OCD cleaning. I’ll arrange every single thing in perfect order and I will not miss a single spot.

While I’m cleaning, my mind is debating. On and on and on. If I’ll just sit in one place, maybe my head will explode. Like this, at least my body is doing something else without being paralized by the power of my mind.

I keep on cleaning and I keep on thinking about things that happened, that will happen, that will never happen and so on. I will reach to every single detail and I will twist every single side of the story. My mind will work so hard that I’ll produce electricity. And while my hands are at work my mind works even harder but then, all of a suden, I have to stop and think “How do I arrange the jars back in the cupboard? Where did this nice cup came from, I almost forgot about it! That wall needs a painting or at least a poster. The clothes need a different arrangement on the rack.”

Slowly I will get lost in these deatils and the clouds of my grey matter will disolve. Peace will be restored by coming back to basics. The electrical storm is finally cooling down and I can relax. And I relax. Maybe by the time I  finish you’ll find me dancing or mumbling song fragments. I will anihilate my own mind for a while. This destructive fluffy beast. And my house will be clean, most of the times.

Sometimes I’m the opposite, I make a mess, I ruin what I build and I think that this is my mind’s way of saying “I’m still in control, don’t fool yourself”. Because at time we are supposed to break down, just to stand up and move on. Fierce. Brave. 100 times more.

I’m not cleaning that much nowadays, or maybe not with the same OCD drive. I don’t need it that much anymore, because now I discovered the meaning of “Everything has a solution” and I transformed it into religion. Yes, religion. Belief.

No matter what will happen today, the solution is just around the corner and it never failed me. Even if the solution is temporary, it’s still a… solution. I always see the bright side when everything turns dark and in time I became imune to tragedies. I just say to myself and to everybody “It will all be fine”. Even when it’s not. And when is not I move on. We all move on. We have no limits, this is what we don’t acknowledge.

This doesn’t mean I don’t feel or that I am im,passive to everything around me, I am just reducing the stress factor. It doesn’t mean I’m the happiest. By far. I still worry but in a controlled manner. I worry wisely if that makes any sense. I suffer but I do it in silence if I don’t get the chance to express myself. And if I do get the chance to take it all out, then it’s gone.

This is another thing I do. I speak whatever is on my mind and heart. Mosttly I speak my heart than my mind. My mind is not that fun, but my heart, oh! that’s a fun ride. But I don’t want to burden it, so I just take everything out. I clean inside my atrium and then I move to the ventricle. I make sure the air is breathable again, because these two chambers are filled with dust sometimes. Don’t let the dust settle, it will be hard to clean it after. I open the windows and I let the airflow dust away. I open my mouth and the draft does the job.

I keep it young, I keep it pure and I don’t let old demons inside. Ok, maybe I kept a few but I turned them into allies. I keep them as precious paintings on the walls. And you know why? Because one day these two rooms of my heart will be inhabited by somebody who will fill the space. And it will be space, because I don’t hoard. It will be a brand new five star hotel, on an old plot, but it will give the best services. This heart is as good as new because it never ceases to give love. It never measures what it gives, it just gives. It’s still wild and it’s still raw and there’s nobody on earth to command it, not even me.

I just make sure it has everything it needs.

Ok, enough with my speech. Time for the quote.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

It’s all love and late night (not that late today) writing shenanigans. Bye now!

 

 

I used to…

I used to write for my demons. Feed them vanity and despair. Feed them anxiety and terror. The fear of being obscure when everybody needs/wants to be noticed. I use to feed them my lack of confidence, and oh! how well-fed my demons were.

I used to feed them my broken heart and all my shattered dreams. And for dessert, the best delicacy: bullying. Those whispers and those giggles following me everywhere.

Even though my demons were more and more well built, they were also becoming quite lazy and with time they started rejecting my sorrow. At some point in my life, my demons actually got bored and fed up from my drama. So they started looking for some more proteins, as my juicy, cheesy existence was way too unhealthy.

So i find myself without my usual companions and then anger took place. Self-pity is gone and anger takes place. So I have new companions. Six-packs, carved biceps and so on. They are my legion. And we start the riot.

I’m the leader of the herd and my anger burns under our feet and in our veins. And it’s boiling for a while and my gang of gym addicts it’s quite happy until, one day, I decided that anger doesn’t suit me and I should change my ways. Some of my fans stayed for a while but it all became too boring so one by one, my bodybuilders fled the nest.

I still feel anger but not enough to gather them back together.

I, then, all changed and with a new perspective on life, became somehow optimistic and somehow narcissistic. The vanity filled my soul the moment I got a few almost true compliments and a bit more attention. But I discovered that vanity works well on your self-esteem if you serve it with limit. And here I go hand in hand with my best demon: a combination of Jason Statham and Johnny Depp and Khal Drogo.

This demon is fashionable, has the taste for good things and fine liquors. This demon is some sort of a gay designer (disclaimer: I have nothing against designers or gay people). This demon brought out some other hidden side of me that I didn’t explore much before. The feminine side.

Even though I am still half lad I, quite often, find myself being an admirable mixture of man mind and female body. This demon made my taste and my self-vision develop in some ways that I didn’t think were possible.

But from the bad company I reached to the stylish company and my evolution trough the hell of self-knowledge was fruitful.

No I have no intention of saying that I didn’t enjoy the company and I will not pretend that I listened to my guardian angel (if he ever passed trough my army of orcs). I know still, that he was there all the way. I think i even saw him giggling a few times.

Cheers!

20160513_193304.jpg